Forog (transcript)

Forog

by Spike Milligan

Series 5, Episode 13, Broadcast 21^st September 1954

Cast

Cast	Character
Harry Secombe	Neddie Seagoon and himself
Spike Milligan	Eccles, Minnie Bannister, Society Member and himself
Peter Sellers	Grytpype-Thynne, Henry Crun, Bluebottle, the Butler, Horatio Nelson and himself
Wallace Greenslade	Announcer and himself
Max Geldray	Harmonica player and himself
Ray Ellington	Musician/Singer and himself
Wally Stott	Orchestra director

Greenslade:	This is the BBC
Secombe:	The wretched man was about to refer to the highly ignored Goon Show.
FX:	HUGE CHEERS AND WHISTLES
Secombe:	Stop!; (GRAMS stop) Greenslade?
Greenslade:	Sir?
Secombe:	Leave your toys for a moment, and lets have some words.
Greenslade:	Yes big brother.; Ladies and gentlepong this week the Goons present a science-fiction fantasy play in a cunning attempt to take the place of the horror comics.; This masterpiece of mediocrity is entitled…
Orchestra:	HORROR AND SUSPENSE CHORD
Secombe:	Forog!; (inane laughter)
Orchestra:	CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
Peter:	(low, sinister voice) It was one of those days that follow the night.; London was blanketed by a thick swirling pea-soup fog.; All was still as Ned Seagoon put on his hat and coat.
Seagoon:	Yes, I decided to go out for a breath of fresh air.
Milligan:	Let him go!
Seagoon:	I hadn't realised it was so foggy, but indeed it was so thick that I had to walk in front of myself with a blazing torch.
Eccles:	You're not the only one!
Seagoon:	As I walked long a stream of buses and cars followed in my wake.; Strange how men recognise a leader.; I hurried them along when suddenly…
Minnie Bannister:	Ooooooh no, please!; Oooooh no, oooh!
Seagoon:	...I bumped into someone.; Are you alright madam?
Minnie Bannister:	You should know!
Seagoon:	Madam, perhaps I can direct you somewhere?
Minnie Bannister:	I'd better direct you, sir!
Seagoon:	Me?; You, direct me?; That's rich!; Guide a path through London?; What makes you think I'm lost?
Minnie Bannister:	You're in my kitchen!
Seagoon:	Impossible! By my calculations I've just come up Highgate Hill
Minnie Bannister:	You've just come up three flights of steps, Mister
Seagoon:	Oh, good heavens!; I'm on the third floor!; No, it can't be!
Milligan:	This happened every day in London.
Orchestra:	CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
Greenslade:	Young Ned took a taxi to the foot of the stairs and 2 hours later he was again in the street.
Seagoon:	(coughing) Curse this fog!; It's worse than I first thought!
Bluebottle:	Enter invisible Bluebottle with bronchitis and smog mask around both knees to keep leggy-peggies warm!; Voila!; No audience applause!; That is because of the fog.; Here, I don't... eeeeh!
Seagoon:	Oh!
Bluebottle:	Ee-hee!; I have bumped against a sack of something soft!
Seagoon:	Whoever you are, it's me!
Bluebottle:	I'm sorry madam, this fog is thicker than it was before, but it's warmer!; Hasn't it got warmer?
Seagoon:	Will you take your hand out of my pocket?!
Bluebottle:	Ee-hee-hee!; So that is why it's warmer.; Thinks: I must ask mummy to make me a pocket so I can wear my head in it.; Speaks: Pardon me, can you direct me to the BBC?; I'm appearing in the naughty Coon Show
Seagoon:	Let me get my bearings, little hair-pinned legs.; Now, BBC...; Which way are you facing?
Bluebottle:	I'm facing the BBC.
Seagoon:	Well, straight along!
Bluebottle:	Thank you nice invisible human.; Disappears into murk and fog singings “Give me some men, who are…”;
FX:	SPLASH OF MAN FALLING IN WATER
Bluebottle:	You rotten swine, you!; You have directed me into the dreaded water and I can not see for the fog, so I don't know whether I'm drowning or not!; Shouts "Help" just in case... Help Just In Case!; Lights match to see if feet are touching the bottom... no, but legs are!; Tee-Hee!; I made a little jokul!; Hee-hee-hee!
Seagoon:	I don't wish to know that.; And with that stinging repartee on my lips, I made my way unwaveringly to my chambers.; First left, straight and... curse that bus!; Stop following me, I tell you, I'm going home!; I say driver, stop following me!
Peter:	(Jewish) I can't help it, you've got your braces wrapped around the radiator!
Seagoon:	Bless my soul, you're right!; I thought it was warm a-hind of me.
Milligan:	We're not allowed to say "behind"!
Seagoon:	I found it much easier to walk without the bus and was soon at my front door.
FX:	SEVERAL RAPID KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPENED
Seagoon:	My butler let me in which was strange... I hadn't got one!
Butler:	Yes sir?
Seagoon:	Oh I'm terribly sorry, I must be in the wrong house.
Butler:	Good, so long as I'm alright!
Seagoon:	It's extraordinary but I can't find my way, Jack.
Butler:	Don't worry, you go home and have a good rest.
Seagoon:	Home?; That's the trouble, I don't seem to be able to find it!
Butler:	Good night, Sir.
Seagoon:	Yes, but I…
FX:	DOOR SLAMMED
Seagoon:	I recognised the voice... Good Heavens!; I must be well out of my way, I live in Brixton! {shouts} Help!; Anyone know where Brixton is?; Heeeelp!
Greenslade:	The fog lasted 3 days and so great was the turmoil it caused a special sitting was called in Westminster.; Some of the members were so benigned by the fog that the speaker opened with the words…
Ellington:	Gentlemen...
FX:	HAMMER SLAMS DOWN
Ellington:	...Be seated!
Omnes:	coughs
Secombe:	{whiny voice} Is it not time...?
Crun:	Here here!
Secombe:	...That something definite was done about this fog?
Milligan:	Yes.
Greenslade:	And on that conclusive word, the debate was about to end when suddenly a figure walking in front of himself with a burnt-out torch emerged from under the front bench.
Seagoon:	My name is Ned Seagoon.
FX:	GENTLE CLAPPING)
Seagoon:	Thank you!; Honourable members, I am an amateur scientist.
Milligan:	What about tea?
Seagoon:	Thank you, thank you very much.; As I was wandering bout in the fog, I believe I stumbled upon a solution to rid London of this annual horror.
Peter:	{politician} Does the honourable member realise that fog is costing us millions every year?
Milligan:	Well, stop buying it then!
Peter:	Here here!
Milligan:	Bravo!
Seagoon:	Gentlemen…
Milligan:	What about tea?
Seagoon:	Gentlemen, if it costs the taxpayer so much are you prepared to sponsor me in an attempt to rid London of fog?
Omnes:	Bravo!; Here here!
Greenslade:	So Ned Seagoon by his own initiative and resource, was given the official title of Fog And Thick Smog Officer -- in short: FATSO!
Seagoon:	In my Liberal sponsored twelve-storey laboratory I carried out my theory which was heating atomically the belts of cold air rising from earth's variations in order to warm the atmosphere.; {evil laugh} I called my experiment Hot Air!
Nelson:	I first heard the news of Seagoon's appointment on December the 3rd.; At the time I was quietly contemplating Admiralty Arch from the top of my 170 foot column.; Yes, my name is Nelson.
Milligan:	How can a statue receive news?
Nelson:	By pigeon.
Orchestra:	SINISTER LINK
Greenslade:	Why is the statue of Nelson interested in Ned Seagoon's experiments?; And will Ned succeed?; Don't forget to order your next instalment of Forog; complete with a large coloured portrait of Big Wall Greenslade.
Max Geldray and Orchestra:	[Musical interlude: ‘Stardust’]
Greenslade:	I apologise to listeners who received their pictures on our Elephant and Castle transmitter for the fact that Max Geldray was blotted out at the end by a bout of thick fog.
Orchestra:	CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
Seagoon:	I was in my laboratory at the time, and as I looked out of the government-sponsored window I saw the dirty yellow fog and vowed to abolish it for good and all!
FX:	THREE RAPID KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
Seagoon:	Come in!
FX:	DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Nelson:	Good day, sir, are you Ned Seagoon?
Seagoon:	I have that good fortune.; I looked at my visitor, he was dressed in a grey-stone navy uniform.; He was well over 10 feet which gave him the appearance of being tall.
Nelson:	You may call me Nelson.
Seagoon:	I'm pleased to {gulp} Nelson?
Nelson:	Yes, the statue of Horatio Nelson.; You don't believe it, do you?
Seagoon:	Yes, I mean no, I mean, well... Garcon!
FX:	DOOR HANDLE TURNED AND DOOR OPENS
Eccles:	Hello!; Oh, hello Nelson!
Seagoon:	Eccles I've just seen... you can see him too?
Eccles:	Yeah, I don't blame him coming off that column in this weather
Seagoon:	But you can't possibly talk to stone, you must be out of your mind!
Eccles:	What's your excuse?
Nelson:	Enough.; Now listen to me, Seagoon, stop experimenting with fog!
Seagoon:	I'm trying to get rid of it
Nelson:	Precisely, but we statues, we must have fog
Eccles:	Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
Nelson and Achilles:	Good!
Nelson:	Now, when the weather is really foggy, you see, it is the only chance we statues have to move around and see the sights
Seagoon:	I see, I see.; So, really, you want me to forget my fog experiments so that you can go gallivanting at random?
Nelson:	Precisely.
Seagoon:	No!; I won't do it, I tell you!; I won't do it!; I won't I won't!; I'll clear the fog if it's the last thing I do!
Nelson:	That may very well be so.
Seagoon:	Eccles, tell me it was all a dream.; It was all a dream, wasn't it?
Eccles:	Ooooh!
Seagoon:	What's that you've got?
Eccles:	This came off Nelson.
Seagoon:	It's a stone chip.
Eccles:	He must have been having a stone supper!; Ho ho!
Seagoon:	It's not true!; (getting hysterical) It's not true I tell you!; It's not true!
Orchestra:	SINISTER LINK
Nelson:	Pssst!; Achilles, dear chap.
Achilles:	Is that you, Nelson?
Nelson:	Who else?; Seagoon refused to drop his fog experiments, pass it on around
Achilles:	That I will, that.; Help me down... hmmmph.
Nelson:	Take it easy.
Orchestra:	CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
Achilles:	Pssst!; Eros!; I say, Eros!
Bluebottle:	Hee-hee!; Who is that tapping my little left footie?
Achilles:	I bear the name of Achilles.; Now listen...
Bluebottle:	Yes I am listening.; Could you get down?; I've got a date in Piccadilly 'cause I'm meeting Peter Pan.
Achilles:	I have a message.; Seagoon is going to do away with fog.
Bluebottle:	Oh, the naughty mortal!
Achilles:	Now with all haste, pass this message on!
Bluebottle:	I will do this.; Steps down off pedestal.
FX:	SPLASH!
Bluebottle:	Rotten little fountain!; I'm always getting wetted!; Exits left to pass on the dreaded news.; Thinks: it is nice to put my leg down for a bit, though.
Orchestra:	CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
Greenslade:	Then the fog gradually started to lift and the statues hurried back to their pedestals and conks.
FX:	LION ROARS
Nelson:	Alright lads, it's only me.
Greenslade:	And the news being passed round had reached the statue of William Hewitt Gladstone.
Crun:	Must pass this unfortunate news on to Boedicia.; Boedicia!
Minnie Bannister:	Who is it?
Crun:	It's me, Boedi, it's Gladstone.; I have some bad news for you!
Minnie Bannister:	It's not another student strike is it?; After that thing they put on my head last year!
Crun:	It's worse than that!
Minnie Bannister:	It couldn't be!
Crun:	Ned Seagoon is going to do away with the fog!
Minnie Bannister:	Oh the naughty man, he's naughty!
Crun:	Yes, but if there's no fog we won't be able to see each other again!
Minnie Bannister:	Well we never see each other in this fog anyway!
Crun:	But I'd never be able to come over here and not see you!
Minnie Bannister:	Oh dear, dear Gladstone!
Crun:	Yes, Boedi Wodi!
Minnie Bannister:	Ah, the fog is lifting!; Oooh!
Crun:	You're right!; Mercy save us!; How am I going to get back?
Minnie Bannister:	I could run you round in the old chariot, Buddy.
Crun:	It's no good, you've got no reflectors on it, Min.
Minnie Bannister:	You coward Gladstone, there's a mortal coming!
Greenslade:	Yes, it was me, but I didn't notice anything as I was reading the Radio Times
Milligan:	How many of you recognised that for the next 3 days Gladstone was holding the reigns of Boedicia's chariot, ey?; You must notice these things, you know!
Orchestra:	SINISTER LINK
Seagoon:	But, Major Bloodnok, it's true I tell you, I saw Nelson with my own eyes!; He came to me at my government sponsored laboratory!; I demand military protection!; If all these statues gang up on me I'm finished!
'Bloodnok:	Now stop stroking me potties and let's get this down .; Now then...
Seagoon:	My name is Ned Seagoon.
'Bloodnok:	I got that.; now, did any other responsible person see the statue.
Eccles:	Oh yeah, I did.
'Bloodnok:	No other responsible person?
Seagoon:	You must believe me, Major!
'Bloodnok:	Sit down lad and have some more gin.
Seagoon:	I've never drunk gin in my life!
'Bloodnok:	Well sit down and have some more of whatever you've had too much of!
Seagoon:	You must give me military protection!
'Bloodnok:	Come now, supposing I ordered the soldiers to watch Nelson to see if he moved, I mean get my ticket wouldn't I, ey?
Seagoon:	I'd give you a job as personal bodyguard!; 10 pounds a week and all found!
'Bloodnok:	Corporal Gladys!
Ellington:	Yeah?
'Bloodnok:	Put Nelson under close arrest!
Greenslade:	Two days later fog again envelopes the south of England, but this time there was a quadrant of Scotch guards surrounding the place of Nelson's Column.; Anyone over ten feet was challenged.
Milligan:	Nobody noticed Nelson going through on his knees!
Seagoon:	Nobody noticed Nelson going through on his knees, ey?; Well!; Bully for Nelson.; I was in my government-sponsored offices at the time.; In a few days my experiment would be tested, then gone will be fog and the statues will not be able to harm me!
Orchestra:	CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
Seagoon:	You!
Nelson:	Yes Neddy, you are determined to go through with it, I see
Seagoon:	Yes, and I told the war office about you, so there!; And they believed me!
Nelson:	Did they really?
Seagoon:	Yes, I mean they are protecting me!; I'm government-sponsored!
Nelson:	You silly twisted boy, you!
Seagoon:	Quick Eccles, get him!
FX:	STRUGGLING NOISES
Eccles:	Okay, I go him!
FX:	MORE STRUGGLING NOISES
Seagoon:	There!
Nelson:	Now, what have you accomplished?
Seagoon:	I had some stone handcuffs specially prepared, and now you are my prisoner!; I'm going to take to the War Office and prove that you're true! (evil laugh) Eccles, open the door! (evil laugh)
Eccles:	Okay.
FX:	DOOR HANDLE TURNS AND DOOR OPENS
Seagoon:	{evil laugh} Come on, you wretched...!; Come on!
Nelson:	style="vertical-align: top; padding-bottom: 1em;"Poor misguided boy.
FX:	DOOR SHUTS
Eccles:	I don't want to worry Neddy, but I can't see who he keeps talking to!
Orchestra:	SINISTER CHORD
Greenslade:	Yesterday, a young government-sponsored scientist was helped down Nelson's Column where he had handcuffed himself to the statue of Nelson.; In warning him, the magistrate said there was too much of this stuff going on.; However, as this was Seagoon's first offence he was sentenced to 3 minutes of Ray Ellington.
The Ray Ellington Quartet:	[Musical interlude: ‘One Mint Julep’
Seagoon:	Success!; Eccles, I've done it, at last!; My experiment went off beautifully!; The fog disappeared like magic, never to return.; Ha Ha!; No more Fog, Eccles!; Just think of it, they'll make me Lord Seagoon; and you'll be Lady Eccles.; Wonderful day!; Wonderful day!
FX:	BELLS RINGING AND CHEERS (MUFFLED) OVER SPEECH
Seagoon:	And listen to the bells, Eccles!; This is Seagoon's Day!; Look at the crowd, look at them!; Open the window.; Come on, open the window and let them see me
FX:	WINDOW OPENED
FX:	BELLS AND CHEERS LOUDER OVER SPEECH
Seagoon:	Thank you, thank you!; Ha ha, thank you all!; Oh no no no, it was nothing!
Grams:	NOISES STOP
Eccles:	I don't want to say anything, but the streets are deserted
Orchestra:	SINISTER LINK
Greenslade:	Seagoon bathed in the limelight of public acclaim as the cleanser of London.; It was indeed a pleasure to sit in London's parks and read a copy of the Radio Times.; This pleasure was available to all for 3 whole days, then…
Orchestra:	CLARINET PLAYING A VERY LOW SINISTER PIECE
Seagoon:	Just think, Eccles, in this very government-sponsored laboratory our triumph was achieved!; By Jove, it's getting dark early it's only 2 o'clock
Eccles:	Yeah, if I wasn't with you I'd say it was fog
Seagoon:	Fog!; Well it can't be, it can't be, it can't be!
Eccles:	Oh it's somebody smoking, that's it
Seagoon:	Where are my notes?
Eccles:	They've gone, Major Bloodnok took them
Seagoon:	Took them where?
Eccles:	He left London airport a week ago with them
Seagoon:	I don't like that, Eccles, I mean I smell a rat!
Eccles:	I don't want to worry Neddy but I can't smell anything!
Seagoon:	I want you to get a sample of that fog!
Eccles:	Oh yeah, I got a bucket, hold on…
Seagoon:	Open the window, you idiot!
FX:	WINDOW OPENS
Eccles:	(coughing)
Seagoon:	I've got some! Close the window!
FX:	WINDOW CLOSES
Greenslade:	While Ned Seagoon is analysing the fog... {chants loudly} 2, 4, 6, 8; Who do we appreciate?; Greenslade!; And now for our chapter 8: the Awakening
Seagoon:	I've got it, Eccles!; By Jove now it all fits in!; This isn't fog, neither is it smog, this is forog!
Eccles:	Ooooh!
Seagoon:	Yes, foreign fog, you see?; Hee hee hee, it's been manufactured abroad, and shipped here!
Eccles:	I wonder how much duty there is to pay?
Seagoon:	Serious Eccles, serious!; Major Bloodnok has obviously sold my notes to Nelson.; I must get to the House of Commons with the news!
Orchestra:	RAPID LINK
Seagoon:	Honourable members!; I have grave news concerning our beloved London!
Milligan:	Speak up lad, let's have it now!
Omnes:	Here here!
Seagoon:	It is not fog enveloping us!; But nay, nay, it is forog; a kind of fog manufactured in foreign parts!
Omnes:	Rubbish!; Rubbish!
Seagoon:	Please, please!; If fog is being manufactured by the statues of London...
Milligan:	It's a trick to get more…
Seagoon:	No!; Major Bloodnok in the War office has sold the entire…
Omnes:	(shouts overpowering Neddy)
Orchestra:	MYSTIC HARP LINK
Peter:	{German scientist} Now Seagoon, lad, have you placed all the bricks in the right holes and the right squares?
Seagoon:	Stop all this nonsense!; I can't understand you all!; I demand to see the authorities!
Peter:	Of course, you will be able to see them in a short while; they are collecting evidence at the moment.
Seagoon:	I don't understand what this is all about!
FX:	DOOR HANDLE TURNS AND DOOR OPENS
Peter:	Ah good morning Dr. Moriarty
Moriarty:	And good morning to you, Dr. Heidel-Bugger.; And this is little Ned Seagoon, is it?
Seagoon:	Doctor, have they examined the forog?
Moriarty:	They have, it's turned out to be fog.
Seagoon:	It's not, I tell you!; it's forog!
Moriarty:	Yes yes yes, take it easy now
Seagoon:	Did you find Major Bloodnok?
Moriarty:	Yes, we have checked with the War Office records and found there is no such man in existence.
Seagoon:	What?; But, go to my government-sponsored laboratory and you'll see his name in the visitors book!
Moriarty:	Yes we checked with that address you gave us but there is no laboratory there.; It is an old bomb-site
Seagoon:	{Gulp!}; But, honestly, there is a laboratory... there must be a laboratory!; As true as my name is Ned Seagoon!
Moriarty:	Ah, that's another point.; There is no such person as Ned Seagoon!
Orchestra:	End theme.
Greenslade:	That was the Goon Show: a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray.; The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott; script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton
Orchestra:	End theme continues...

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Transcription by Kurt