Who is Pink Oboe? (transcript)
From The Goon Show Depository
Stark:
(tragic actor) Pray say your Fertuffs quietly folks, as here is a High Fidelity recording of John Snagge.
Grams:
JOHN SNAGGE: This is the Satyricon of Petronius service of the Ba Be Sea, we apologise for the audience who attended the Goon Show on Sunday the 28th December. It has been discovered that these people had actually written in for tickets to see a broadcast of Swedish drill by the Luton Girls Male choir, the actual Goon Show audience were misdirected to a gramophone recital of Jackson Pollock Paintings on clubbed leather. We apologise to all concerned. I will now kill myself.
FX:
PISTOL SHOT. GROAN. THUD OF BODY.
Greenslade:
(breaks down) Ohh Master Snagge!
Seagoon:
Don't cry Walm he remembered you in his will.
Greenslade:
How much???????
Seagoon:
Oh, no money, he just said, "I remember Wal Greenslade".
Singhiz:
(Milligan: Indian) Pardon me sir, but the Goon Show has broken out.
Seagoon:
Singes! We must volunteer for it at once. Forward!
Grams:
BRISK ARMY OF BOOTS MARCHING AWAY WITH SECOMBE SINGING: "GIVE ME STOUT HEARTED MEN". SPEEDS UP.
Greenslade:
(as song fades) I too will volunteer for the Goon Show by announcing this announcement. We present, The Spy or -
Grams:
GREENSLADE (FAST) THE SPY ORRRRRRRRR (REPEAT).
Orchestra:
DRAMATIC CHORDS
Greenslade:
Meantime, in a deserted lock-keeper's lock the remains of French Aristocracy is steaming.
Grams:
FADE IN BOILING POT
Moriarty:
(sings) Shine through my silent thoughts again....
Grytpype:
(Valentine Dyall) I say, that smells good Moriarty, what is it?
Moriarty:
Me, I'm using Perfume de Sewers Devine on my knees.
Grytpype:
You erotic fool! You know full well that knee perfumes were the cause of Louis Cans downfall.
Moriarty:
Sapristi Doodle, Caramba le Ponk. You insult the knees of mon King mon Royalle de France. I challenge you to a seething duel. Name your weapon!
Grytpype:
I name my weapon Bazil. Now you name yours.
Moriarty:
I choose that magnificant melody divine the Miserae at ten paces....
Secombe:
(announcer) My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, this is a ten round....
FX:
JELLY SPLOSH
Secombe:
Thankyou.
Grytpype:
Right in the old Dinner Disposer....
Moriarty:
Now then, back to the back. Ten paces and Sing....
Orchestra:
QUIET PIANO INTRO. TIMID BELL SOFTLY THROUGH OUT DUEL PUNCTUATING LINES
Grytpype:
(sings) In yon gloomy toerr. (this duel grows in fury and determination as the singing continues).
Moriarty:
(off) Miserae!
Grytpype:
Where death now is gleaming.
Moriarty:
Miserae!
Grytpype:
In death we shall meet no more.
Moriarty:
Miserae!
Grytpype:
On a cold winter's day.
Moriarty:
Miserae, Miserae MISERAEEEEEEEE (goes mad).
Grytpype:
And now to the HUH.
Grams:
DOUBLE FORTE JELLY SPLOSH
Moriarty:
(power) You swine, you try to hit me with that unsigned sock full of grit. I'll not give in. Anything you can do I can do better.
Grams:
THE FOLLOWING RECORDED, GETTING FASTER AND FASTER
Grytpype:
No you can't!
Moriarty:
Yes I can!
Grytpype:
No you can't!
Moriarty:
Yes I can!
Grytpype:
No you can't!
Moriarty:
Yes I can!
Grytpype:
No you can't, no you can't, no you can't! …
(pause)
Moriarty:
(sped up) Yes I cannnnnnnnnnnnn! …
FX:
SLAPSTICK
Moriarty:
(sped up) Owwww!!!! …
Grams:
SPLASH - NORMAL SPEED
Moriarty:
Help, I can't swim in water!
Seagoon:
Here, grab this copy of Bulganin's confession.
Moriarty:
Will it save me?
Seagoon:
It saved him. Now slide this piece of dry land under you.
Grams:
SOUND OF PUSHING A GRAND PIANO ON CASTORS OVER A WOODEN FLOOR. THE CASTORS BEING A BIT SQUEAKY TO GIVE THE SOUND OF TRACTION
Moriarty:
Tarrrr.
Grytpype:
Yes, now Ned, for saving the Steam Count we charge a fee of three-shillings.
FX:
TILL
Milligan:
(way off) Thank you.
Grytpype:
Thank you.
Seagoon:
Could you play that again?
FX:
TILL
Seagoon:
What a lovely tune.
Grytpype:
Like it? It's the National Anthem of America. All the shops are playing it. Now …
GRYTPYPE Seagoon:
Good Heavens! Then it's time for World War One.... on your marks.
FX:
PISTOL SHOT
Grams:
GREAT RUSH AWAY OF MANY BOOTS, WITH A MILITANT BUGLE CALL OVER THE TOP
Geldray:
That only leaves old Max "Conks" Geldray boys.
Milligan:
Kurt (talk) Kurt (talk) boy (can't really tell what he says)
Max Geldray: It Don't Mean a Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)
(applause)
Greenslade:
Meantime in Whitehall.... plee ph plippy plee plo....
Jampton:
Excuse me Colonel Jim, sir, but...... Captain Seagoon's bed has just pulled up outside, sir.
Colonel Jim:
Oh, by jove he must be a late-riser, just a minute.
FX:
POPPING CORK - POURING
Colonel Jim:
I don't mind if I do. Come in Seagoon!
FX:
RUNNING FEET
Seagoon:
(approaching) Hello, Colonel Jim, Sir.
Colonel Jim:
How d'you do. I say Sit down my dear fellow, let me take some of your surplus legs from under your surplus.
Seagoon:
Thank you, mind if I play a violin?
Colonel Jim:
As long as it's one of ours.
Seagoon:
Care for one?
Colonel Jim:
Er, well just this once.
Grams:
TWO VIOLINS TUNING UP IN A VERY AMATEURISH WAY
Colonel Jim:
By Jove, delicious, now Seagoon, do you know we're at war with naughty Germany?
Seagoon:
Well, I heard shouting....
Colonel Jim:
Lieutenant Jympton? Tell him all.
Jampton:
We need you sir, for counter espionage, sir.
Seagoon:
Ha ha ha, I suppose it means certain death?
Colonel Jim:
And a pension. A perfect combination.
Seagoon:
Well, it's for the old country, ha ha, Seagoons have never flinched from death.
Orchestra:
BRING IN A MUTED TRUMPET AT SUNSET EFFECT
Colonel Jim:
(mutters supporting noises behind Seagoons speech, "well done", "good for you", chuckles, chuckles)
Seagoon:
I can see it all now, I'll fight till me ammunitions gone I'll say to the other men; Lads, make your way back as best as you can ... me? I'll stay on, I'll fight 'em barehanded until I'm overpowered, and then I'll swallow my secret code. They'll torture me, I won't speak.... it'll mean the firing squad, ha ha. So what? They'll say; Any last requests? I say yes, damn you, I want evening dress.... I'll take my time and put it on with my full miniatures.... blind fold they'll say.... ha ha ha blind fold ha ha, the rifles'll come up, the click of the cartridges rammed home, they're taking aim.... ha ha ha .... I'll be smiling, that.... that carefree daredevil smile, the officer will raise his sword.... the volley will ring out, and I'll slump smiling to the floor - dead!
Colonel Jim:
Well, Seagoon?
Seagoon:
(bloody coward) I don't want to gooooo!
Grams:
WHOOSH
FX:
DOOR SLAMS
Colonel Jim:
I say stop him before he gets to the bus stop.
Grams:
WHOOSH
(pause).
FX:
DOOR OPENS
(struggle)
Seagoon:
(over above) Let me go, I'm a professional coward I tell you .... I don't want to go to war.
Jampton:
I caught him in Glasgow sir, wearing a Jewish kilt sir.
Colonel Jim:
My old regiment. Look Seagoon, there's a thousand pounds in it! If you succeed in this mission it will shorten the war by three-feet six-inches.
Seagoon:
So wars are being worn shorter this year?
Colonel Jim:
Of course.
Seagoon:
What's the job?
Colonel Jim:
Well a certain German spy has got the complete plans and measurements of the Union Jack. It's our job to stop him before he builds a prototype.
Seagoon:
Will they stop at nothing! Who is this fiend incarnate.
Colonel Jim:
Jympton, tell him.
Jampton:
Have you ever heard of a German spy called (sings) "la da die, dum die dum, lum da die dum" (to tune march Lohengrin). Have you heard of him?
Seagoon:
How do you spell it?
Grams:
Milligan: SERIES OF STRANGE SOUNDS PLAYED AT SPEED
Seagoon:
I think I'd recognise him if I heard him.
Colonel Jim:
Jolly good.
Seagoon:
Right. I'm your man.
Orchestra:
DRAMATIC LINK CHORDS
Greenslade:
A month has passed and we are now lumbered with a meeting of high military Freds.
Secombe:
Gentlemen, tomorrow we start our great mission to recover those plans of the Union Jack. I have chosen you all for your intelligence.
Eccles:
(off) You sure of dat?
Secombe:
(coughs) There may have been some slip-ups. Tomorrow we leave for France. Now this is the secret password: "The wind is blowing through my grandmother's knees". The reply is: "Annie is waiting upstairs."
Eccles:
Ohh, ho ho ho!
SECOMBE Grytpype:
I can see we're going to have trouble with you.
FX:
SLAPSTICK
Eccles:
Owww.
Orchestra:
DRAMATIC CHORDS
Grams:
LIGHT WIND, AND SEMI-DISTANT SOUND OF AIRSHIP ENGINES REVVING
Greenslade:
Dawn at Hendon Aerodrome, a freshly wallpapered airship is...
Grams:
ENGINE TICKING OVER... APPROACH OF JEEP. PULLS UP WITH SQUEAL OF BRAKES.
Greenslade:
... being shaved for active service.
Seagoon:
Morning Commander.
Commander Nark:
Good morning, now Seagoon these are the code-names. (aside) You know I don't feel strange in this programme at all. Here are Do you know the code-names of our agents in France at allhere?
Seagoon:
(confidence) Carry on, I'll remember them.
Commander Nark:
There's the Black Rabbit, the Blue Pelican and the Yellow Alligator.
Seagoon:
(confidence) Roger.
Commander Nark:
Then there's the Octaroon Monkey, the Pink Oboe, and the Purple Mosquitoe.
Seagoon:
(getting worried) Yes, I think I...
Commander Nark:
Then there's the Vermillion Sock, the Vermillion Ponk, the Chocolate Speedway and the White Bint.
Seagoon:
Look, I... I think I'd better write this down.
Commander Nark:
No please don't, you'll go colour blind...
Stark:
Excuse me sir,... Your airship's ready sir.
Seagoon:
Let me taste... (tastes)... Delicious... Right, tell Eccles to get inside,... Run my bath and lay out a Blonde Manequin.
Stark:
Hooray for war... ha ha (goes off).
Dyall:
I think we're going to have trouble with him too, Sir,
Seagoon:
Well, Goodbye fellas, and Hugh?
Jampton:
Ah yes sir.?
Orchestra:
SAXOPHONE "LAURA" A LA FILM BACKGROUND MUSIC
Seagoon:
Hugh, say goodbye to Penelope for me...
Jampton:
Yes, (calls) Goodbye Penelope.
Seagoon:
Not yet, you fool. When you see her darling, when you see her. Tell her... tell her...
Jampton:
Yes?
Seagoon:
I don't think I have got anything to tell her.
Jampton:
Ahh, I'll tell her that then sir.
Seagoon:
Gad, how we've loved, passionate, by heavens, she's a hot little number.
Jampton:
So I found out after I married her sir.
Seagoon:
Ha, Ha. Ahemm yes, well, fair shares for all... goodbye...
OMNES:
Goodbye Sir!
Grams:
ROAR OF THE. GREAT AIRSHIPS ENGINES UP. GRADUALLY THEY FADE INTO DISTANCE. THEN SILENCE.
Seagoon:
Who let go the rope before I got in?
Colonel Jim:
I say Seagoon, that boy was doing his duty, we wanted you to miss that airship, that's to be a decoy.
Seagoon:
How do I get to France then?
Colonel Jim:
By this secret Military tri-cycle.
Seagoon:
Gad, the war's as good as won. So saying, I hailed a taxi and cycled to Folkestone, there I caught a steam packet across the Channel, and as I drove my velosipy up the gang-plank, I saw another tricycle of foreign design upon my tail.
Milligan:
Gerblongen, gerkeinen, ich hatte sich un Edgware Road three and nine viereinen emegenauge (etc.).
Seagoon:
It's old Milligan doing his impression of a naughty German there!
Grams:
BURST OF A MACHINE GUN. ZOOMING OF PLANES IN COMBAT... OCCASIONAL MACHINE GUN FIRE.
Seagoon:
By turning my tricycle in a tight turn, I was on his tail and let him have a burst of steam.
Grams:
STEAMMMMMMM
Milligan:
Achhhhhhh gerswchweinen.
Grams:
HOWL OF DOOMED FIGHTER PLANE... FADE
Milligan:
- You swine-hun.
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