African Incident (transcript)

Transcript of the African Incident.

The show was transcribed from the version found on The Goon Show Compendiun: Volume 7.

Cast

Cast	Character(s)
Harry Secombe	Sergeant-Major Seagoon, and himself
Spike Milligan	Field Marshall Eccles, Moriarty, Lieutenant Pluck and himself
Peter Sellers	Major Spon, narrator, piano player, Bluebottle, and himself
Wallace Greenslade	Announcer and himself
Ray Ellington	African and himself
Cécile Chevreau	Native Woman

Show

Greenslade:	This is the BBC Light Programme. We present those friends of royalty, The Goons.
Grams:	Regal fanfare.
Orchestra:	(continues... but stops dischordantly...)
Seagoon:	Yes folks. And now it's time for ME!
Grams:	Crowds cheering
Seagoon:	Stop! Stop! Thank you Seagoon worshippers, and off your knees.
Greenslade:	Mr Seagoon! I think you must stop playing these records of applause for yourself.
Seagoon:	That's right, go on, give me away, destroy my trade secrets. Be careful hairy announcer or I'll cut off your water supply. Now, announce the announcements. Go on Wal.
Greenslade:	This week our story is set in the year 1914. England is at war and the script has been censored.
Orchestra:	Dramatic intro.
Narrator:	The German colony in East Africa under its brilliant commander Von Gutern was attacking the British forces with great success.
Pluck:	Yes. My name's Lieutenant Terence Pluck... M.O. I and my unit had been captured on the first day of the hostilities. We were all marched to a German prison camp five hundred miles two inches deep in the heart of the jungle. It was a comfortable camp and we were well treated. Trouble started the day a batch of new English type prisoners were brought in. Strange... (fades out)
Grams:	Battalion marching double time.
Major Spon:	(An Alec Guiness parody) Keep up men. Don't lag. Feet in line with the seats of the underpants.
Seagoon:	That was Major Spon, B.O.
Major Spon:	And that was Captain Seagoon our C.O. A brilliant soldier. When the Germans attacked Fort Blun he rallied his men round the white flag.
Seagoon:	Yes. Rather than surrender we gave ourselves up.
Major Spon:	And so we marched into the naughty German prison camp.
Grams:	Battalion slow marching. Continue under.
Major Spon:	That's it men. Show them we're still soldiers. Left, left, left left left...Um, what's next?
Seagoon:	Right.
Major Spon:	Right. Company halt!
Grams:	Marching grinds to a halt.
Pluck:	Gad! What discipline I thought.
Seagoon:	Eyes front!
Major Spon:	Eyes are always at the front Mr Seagoon.
Seagoon:	Here comes the German camp commandant, and what luck sir, look, he's shorter than I am!
Commandant:	Welcome to Camp Ludnorf. My name is General von Witter. This camp will try to keep you occupied until the war is over. Tomorrow you will all start work on a railway bridge over the river Kapate.
Major Spon:	Errr, did you say work?
Commandant:	Ja.
Major Spon:	But we're English.
Commandant:	Makes nein the difference. You must work.
Major Spon:	My dear fellow, according to article three etcetera etcetera of the Geneva convention it states categorically that officers must not work.
Commandant:	You refuse?
Major Spon:	Yes.
Commandant:	Then you will be shot!
Major Spon:	Ah well then, that's much more reasonable.
Seagoon:	Major, I'd rather work than die.
Major Spon:	You know what you're saying?
Seagoon:	Yes. I speak the same language. Ahhh! They're pointing a machine gun at us.
Major Spon:	How rude. Pretend we haven't seen them.
Commandant:	I will count up to one then I will fire. A quarter, half, three quarters, four fifths...
Seagoon:	If you kill us we'll refuse to stand up.
Commandant:	Then the odds are against me. Very well. I change my mind. But I'll also make you change yours. (Shouts orders in German.)
Grams:	Shouting of troops.
Seagoon:	We were forced into a corrugated iron hut, one foot tall by three inches wide.
Major Spon:	No food, no water and the temperature inside was 130 degrees in the shade.
FX:	Banging on door.
Seagoon:	Let me out! I can't stand it any longer. We'll die. No water, no food! I can't stand it. Let me out you devils. Ahahahahaha!
Major Spon:	Steady! Steady! We've only been in here thirty seconds.
Seagoon:	There's a limit to what a man can stand.
FX:	Door opens.
Major Spon:	Who the devil are you?
Pluck:	It's alright, you can put your hands down. I'm British.
Major Spon:	So are we. You can put your hands down.
Pluck:	Thank you. I am Lieutenant Pluck. I'm the camp M.O. I had a word with General Von Gutern. He's agreed that the English officers needn't work.
Grams:	Massed male cheering.
Seagoon:	For the next three weeks the officers did nothing but gad, we did it magnificently. We did it magnificently folks! Hello folks!
Grams:	Night sounds. Frogs, crickets etc.
Greenslade:	It wasn't long before escape committees were organised.
Major Spon:	Now gentlemen, before we start are there any questions?
Eccles:	Yeah. I want to know how I became a Field Marshal.
Major Spon:	Wouldn't we all. Now, I've studied the jungle around this camp and I find it's impenetrable.
Seagoon:	One of the men is determined to escape sir.
Major Spon:	Escape from this place? Is he mad?
Seagoon:	He has a certificate.
Major Spon:	It means certain death.
Seagoon:	Yes. It's a death certificate.
Major Spon:	No. I won't agree to it. He'll die out there. Die for sure. Who is he?
Eccles:	Er, me.
Major Spon:	Goodbye and good luck to you.
Seagoon:	Well said sir. It's the duty of every English soldier to try and escape. I've done it myself twice.
Major Spon:	Where from?
Seagoon:	Aldershot.
Orchestra:	Dramatic chords.
Grams:	Night sounds continue.
Omnes:	Mass snoring, lip smacking.
Seagoon:	Pssst. Doc! Doc! Are you awake?
Pluck:	Yes. That's why I'm standing up.
Seagoon:	What's the time?
Pluck:	Let's have a look at your wristwatch. Ah, it's nearly midnight. I think I'll have a shave before I turn in. Hand me that cutthroat razor. Thank you.
Grams:	Sounds of leather strop.
Seagoon:	I'm going to make a break for it, by dawn I should be well clear of the camp.
Pluck:	Ah, good. Now listen. If ever you get to the stage that there's no hope, swallow this little black capsule.
Seagoon:	What...what is it?
Pluck:	Concentrated liquorish. It gives a man something.
Seagoon:	Thanks doc...I'll always remeber you. And here to take my place is prisoner Max Geldray.
Max Geldray:	Don't Get Around Much Anymore
	(Applause)
Orchestra:	Dramatic link
Greenslade:	Hello folks. Take your seats for part two of the wireless play 'African Incident'. Long live the miracle of sound wireless broadcasting.
Grams:	Many boots approaching at speed.
Major Spon:	Gather round chaps. I'm glad to say that we seemed to have scored a moral victory.
Seagoon:	Oh, good show.
Major Spon:	The German Commandant has asked me to take charge of the building of this bridge over the river.
Seagoon:	Jolly good news sir.
Major Spon:	Oh. I thought you'd escaped.
Seagoon:	I did, but I came back for lunch.
Major Spon:	Jolly good. Then you can help. Just stand in this hole and read these statistics on the river.
Seagoon:	Well sir, the river is two thousand miles long.
Major Spon:	Two thousand miles. How wide?
Seagoon:	Three yards.
Major Spon:	Well that settles it. We'll build the bridge across it. General, when is this bridge supposed to be completed?
Commandant:	It must be finished by april the first.
Major Spon:	What's the date today?
Seagoon:	April the fourteenth.
Major Spon:	So it's not going to be easy is it? If we wait for april the first to come round again it will be over a year.
Seagoon:	Well, let's work backwards. Then it's only a fortnight away.
Major Spon:	That's a very good idea. Field Marshal Eccles, have you any knowledge of trees?
Eccles:	I was born in one.
Major Spon:	Good, good. Well, see those wooden ones on the opposite bank?
Eccles:	Um, oh yeah, yeah.
Major Spon:	Do you think you could chop them down?
Eccles:	Um, not from here.
FX:	(Eccles being clobbered)
Eccles:	Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Orchestra:	Dramatic link.
Grams:	Night sounds. Crickets, frogs etc.
Seagoon:	That night I made my second attempt to escape and succeeded by walking a thousand miles and swimming the bay of Tunis. I managed to get to Gibraltar where I am now recovering from hospital treatment.
Sellers:	Then suddenly Lieutenant Seagoon was summoned to British Hind Quarters at Aden.
Orchestra:	Uptempo Bloodnok theme.
Bloodnok:	Ohhhhh! Ohhh! Ohhhh!
Grams:	Running water
Bloodnok:	Ow,ow, at last the monsoons.
FX:	Door opens
Seagoon:	Lieutenant Seagoon reporting from the front sir.
Bloodnok:	You must be deforemed, pull up a chair man and sit down.
Seagoon:	I'd rather stand.
Bloodnok:	Well stand in a chair then. We respect these old Welsh idiot customs you know. Now, this man in the shredded vest is our French A.D.C. Count Moriarty, ex-actor and has played the male lead in over fifty postcards.
Moriarty:	Ah, mon pleasure mon ami, mon pleasure.
Bloodnok:	Yes, yes. We want you to take a raiding party and destroy that bridge they're building. Boom, boom, boom. Crash, thud, bang. Um...bang, bang, boom, thud, crash. One of those combinations should prove fatal.
Seagoon:	I've only just escaped from the place. It's too dangerous. Apart from which I'm a married man.
Bloodnok:	I'm ordering you to go.
Seagoon:	Can't I see my wife before I go?
Bloodnok:	No.
Seagoon:	But I love her.
Bloodnok:	So do I! That's why I'm sending you.
Seagoon:	Alright. I'll go. But one last favour. If I don't come back could you give this to my father?
Bloodnok:	Oh. Your cheque book.
Seagoon:	Yes. He always wanted it.
Bloodnok:	Don't worry. I'll get it to him, even if I have to cash every cheque in it myself.
Moriarty:	Now come Seagoon. We leave at dawn tonight by legs on feet on ground.
Orchestra:	Dramatic chords.
Greenslade:	Meantime a hundred miles away in the German camp a soldier lies dreaming on a palm leaf.
Eccles:	(Sings rubbish) I can't stand this singing. I wish I'd escaped with Lieutenant Seagoon. I wonder if he got back to the base.
Seagoon:	Yes I did.
Eccles:	Oh. Where are you den?
Seagoon:	I'm a mere six hundred miles away.
Eccles:	Oh goodie. I won't tell anybody.
Bloodnok:	Seagoon you fool. Stop talking to that man six hundred miles away.
Seagoon:	It's alright sir, he's one of ours.
Bloodnok:	I know, and I wish he wasn't. Now then, according to British intelligence April the first is only three days away.
Seagoon:	Gad! How do those chaps get the information?
Bloodnok:	They captured a German calender...alive!
Seagoon:	Good.
Ellinga:	(African gibberish). Me help you carry ammunition.
Bloodnok:	Can we trust him?
Seagoon:	Implicitly.
Bloodnok:	How far to the prison camp then?
Ellinga:	43 million inches.
Bloodnok:	Gad you're right. For now to prepare... Lieutenant Moriarty here vee cee vite.
Moriarty:	Oui, oui
Bloodnok:	You'll have to cary the grand military piano.
Seagoon:	A piano?
Bloodnok:	What? Of course a piano. It can be deadly sir. And I shan't hesistate to use it.
Seagoon:	Gad major, you must have ice in your veins.
Bloodnok:	I have, and it's cold in here. Go men, forward!
Orchestra:	Dramatic funerial link.
Grams:	Cutting through jungle sounds.
Greenslade:	For a hundred miles Bloodnok and his party hacked their way through the jungle that ran alongside the arterial road. Enroute they had managed to enlist ten Mabootu women to help carry their supplies.
Bloodnok:	We were just good friends you understand, nothing more.
Moriarty:	Nevertheless it was a mistake having women porters. On the second day of the trip Lieutenant Seagoon became terribly amorous.
Grams:	Hawaiian guitar.
Seagoon:	You... very beautiful. Hahahahahah. I've seen lots of girls in my time but you... much prettier than any white girl.
Bloodnok:	I know I am and it gets very embarrassing at times I can tell you. Where's Moriarty?
Seagoon:	The native girls were having a bathe and he's guarding their clothes.
Bloodnok:	It was my turn for that! Where's my binoculars?
Moriarty:	(Approaching) Sapristi! There's a patrol of German colonial troops coming this way.
Bloodnok:	What!
Seagoon:	We must stop them. No shooting them now, use your knives.
Bloodnok:	Yeowww, but I've never used a knife before.
Seagoon:	You're lying, I saw you eating peas off one at lunch. (shouts) All right me!
Pluck:	Meantime, back at the camp... the German POW camp, (that's an abbreviation of prisoner of war. I say POW so it saves the necessity of saying prisoner of war. It's much shorter. Takes less time.) At this camp we were having a party. We'd completed the bridge and all the lads were having a sing-song to celebrate.
Grams:	(Sped up crowd singing 'Blighty is the Place for Me". Quick applause/cheer.)
Seagoon:	Right men. Settle down! Now, her ...from....Major Spon.
Major Spon:	Thank you men. Well as you can see we've taught our captors how we English can build a wooden bridge over a water river. So let us stand, raise our right legs and sing our national anthem.
Grams:	Male voice choir singing La Marseillaise. Fade behind.
Bloodnok:	Seagoon! Over here. I can hear men in the camp singing the French national anthem.
Seagoon:	Nonsense. That's the British national anthem in disguise. They didn't want it captured.
Bloodnok:	Good lads!
Moriarty:	Psssst! Information. The first German puff-puff goes over that bridge at dawn.
Bloodnok:	What! Action. Everyone must black themselves up.
Ellington:	Are you kiddin'?
Bloodnok:	Here's the explosive, men. Off you go. I'd come with you myself if it weren't for this terrible hand-painted wound on my foot.
Seagoon:	Then we'll need one more volunteer. How about you?
Bluebottle:	Let go of me, man! Let go of me! Let go, I'm not working this week. I'm on Christmas hols. I'm doing a bit of carol singing. (Sings) Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen...
FX:	Slapstick
Bluebottle:	Ohhee! Right on my music stand!
Seagoon:	Lad! Lad! Little looney lad. Help us destroy that bridge and you can have the 'Junior Rock-and-Roll' set.
Bluebottle:	Cor! Yes.
Seagoon:	Complete with electric plug-in plastic pelvis...
Bluebottle:	Ohyee sweet
Seagoon:	...out of tune bakelite banjo and a pair of genuine Tommy Steele earplugs.
Bluebottle:	Cor! Thank you. That will make me the centre of attaction at the school party. Thinks, that Eileen Shoulders likes rocking and rolling. Let me try that for that Eileen Shoulders. (Sings feeble rock and roll over timid foot tapping.)
Greenslade:	Now while Bluebottle is deliberating, Ray Ellington will play a melody divine an anti-clockwise fashion.
The Ray Ellington Quartet:	Jack the Bear
	(Applause)
Orchestra:	Uptempo link.
Grams:	Running water.
Narrator:	In the darkening night Seagoon and his saboteurs dived in and attached limpet mines to the bridge over the ice-cold river Kapatee.
Seagoon:	And there's nothing worse than a cold Kapatee!
Orchestra:	Dischordant chord in C. Cymbal hit.
Seagoon:	Thank you folks! Thank you.
Moriarty:	Shhhhh! You fools, the German guards will hear us.
Bluebottle:	It's alright. They don't understand English.
Seagoon:	Turn the wireless on and let's hear the rest of the show.
Grams:	Wireless tuning into frequency.
Bloodnok:	Ohhhh! Oh. It's nearly dawn. Well, I wonder when Seagoon's coming back.
Native Woman:	White man is not really worried about them?
Bloodnok:	Oh, not really you know. It's just that I don't really want to be caught like this.
Native Woman:	Is this what English call 'embarrassing situation'?
Bloodnok:	Yes. I mean, after all, me half way up a tree dressed as Timon of Athens - you whitewashing the grass; well, no one would believe us.
Native Woman:	Oh, come Major. Let us dance.
Bloodnok:	Yes. After all, even though we are in the jungle we're still civilized aren't we? I'll put this record on my portable military gramophone.
Grams:	Romantic string tango.
Bloodnok:	What a strange sight it must have been. Me and the dusky beauty tangoing through the dense jungle on foot.
Native Woman:	I only had eyes for him and he only had eyes for me.
Bloodnok:	That explains why we fell over a cliff.
Seagoon:	Major! Major Bloodnok! Where are?
Native Woman:	He's here with me.
Seagoon:	Great spondilikons!
Bloodnok:	It's been hell out here I tell you! Dancing, dancing, dancing. Oh that jungle rhythm got into my toes... my knees... The heat of the music... the scent of the flower in her hair... drawn closer under the spell of Africa...
Seagoon:	Then?
Bloodnok:	Then you turned up you idiot!
Seagoon:	Well anyhow, we've laid the detonation cable. We're all ready to blow up the bridge.
Orchestra:	Dramatic link
Greenslade:	Meantime on the bridge, Major Spon walks across to make sure all is well.
FX:	Footsteps.
Major Spon:	I'm walking across the bridge to make sure all is well. That's why I'm walking across the bridge...for christmas.
Commandant:	Er, good morning Major Spon.
Major Spon:	Oh good morning Von Gutern. Cigarette?
Commandant:	Thanks. I have one.
Major Spon:	Ah, but von Gutern deserves another. Jolly English joke.
Commandant:	Definite German silence. You are early this morning.
Major Spon:	Well there's an old English proverb, 'The early bird always catches the worm.'
Commandant:	Please, what's the meaning of that?
Major Spon:	It means that I've had worms for breakfast.
Grams:	Locomotive approaches. Whistles. Very fast.
Commandant:	Ah geblunden! I can hear the first puff-puff approaching. I must go and lay out the railway lines and my combined chair.
Major Spon:	Goodbye. There he goes, poor fellow. Little does he know Germany can't possibly win the war.
Eccles:	Ooo! Then I'd better take this German uniform off.
Major Spon:	Field Marshal Eccles, why have you left your post?
Eccles:	It had woodworm in it. And I didn't want to catch it.
Major Spon:	Look down there. You see it, down in the river?
Eccles:	Water!
Major Spon:	Yes, but just above it - a cable.
Eccles:	I wonder who it's from.
FX:	Multiple slapsticks.
Eccles:	Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh !
Seagoon:	Watching from the opposite bank we all held our breath. As Major Spon went down the river bank we all asked ourselves the same question...
Bloodnok / Eccles / Seagoon:	(Various questions simultaneously.)
Seagoon:	He's spotted the cable!
Bloodnok:	He's got eyes like a hawk.
Seagoon:	And legs like a kangaroo. I wonder what he's going to do?
Bloodnok:	Join a freak show perhaps.
Seagoon:	If he follows that cable it will lead him to Private Mate who's waiting to press the dreaded plunger!
Willium:	Ah, they'll never find me mate, in the master disguise. You see I got a lttle bit of twig stuck out all over me; me old plates stuck in two lumps of grass - I looks like a perfect tree dere.
Eccles:	Ah! Oooh! A perfect tree with boots on. Must be going somewhere.
Willium:	Go away mate, go away, and keep that dog off.
Eccles:	Dere's no dog here.
Willium:	Well you just watch what you're doing then mate.
Eccles:	Ummmm, what's your name?
Willium:	My name's Jim Coconut-Tree.
Eccles:	Oooo!
FX:	Sawing
Willium:	Oh! Stop! Help! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp! (Fades)
Eccles:	Timbeeeeeeeeeeeeer!
Grams:	Tree falling.
Seagoon:	Major! Major! They've chopped Willum down. I must go and help.
Grams:	Boots running off.
Bloodnok:	I shall now keep the audience entertained.
Orchestra:	Dramatic chords.
Greenslade:	And here is a brief resumé with piano accompaniment.
Piano:	Sellers' dreadful arpeggios.
Greenslade:	Willium lies chopped down; Neddy on his way to assist; Eccles eating coconuts; Major Spon approaching the felled Willium, and suddenly...
Seagoon:	Hands up Major Spon!
Major Spon:	You!
Seagoon:	Yes it's me, you - or you, me - it's me. We've come to blow the bridge up.
Major Spon:	You can't. It's got a puncture.
Seagoon:	Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Willum, press yer old plunger!
Grams:	Loud explosion. Splash in water.
Little Jim:	They've fallen in the water.
Major Spon:	I don't know how we'd do without that lad.
Seagoon:	Well, that's the lot for this week innit? Come on lads, back to the old brandy there.
Grams:	Boots running away at speed.
Greenslade:	It's all in the mind you know.
Orchestra:	Old Comrades playout.
Greenslade:	That was The Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Cécile Chevreau, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the Orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programme produced by Roy Speer.

Transcribing

Transcribed by Kurt Adkins