Forog (transcript)

Forog

by Spike Milligan

Series 5,
Episode 13,
First broadcast 21^st September 1954

Cast

Cast	Character
Harry Secombe	Neddie Seagoon, Achilles and himself
Spike Milligan	Eccles, Minnie Bannister, Society Member and himself
Peter Sellers	Grytpype-Thynne, Henry Crun, Bluebottle, the Butler, Horatio Nelson, Lew and himself
Wallace Greenslade	Announcer and himself
Max Geldray	Harmonica player and himself
Ray Ellington	Musician/Singer and himself
Wally Stott	Orchestra director

The Script

Greenslade:	This is the BBC Home Service
Gilbert Harding:	But don't come whining to me about it. Can't you enunciate properly? You come bouncing on here like a paid up member with a rolled up umbrella on your arm and the Radio Times in your pocket and you babble incoherently...
Greenslade:	Now look here...
Gilbert Harding:	...And you have nothing better to offer than the BBC Home Service, you keep a civil tongue in your head...
Secombe:	Mister Harding, rudeness will get you nowhere
Gilbert Harding:	Have you seen my Rolls Royce?
Secombe:	Hmmm. What's the matter with you Greenslade? Don't stand there like an animated gargoyle, get on with your other paid job...
Greenslade:	Well I, errr...
Secombe:	Too late! Waiting for your incompetence? We'd all be faded out!
Greenslade:	To all of those Greenslade fans who just phoned up to protest, thank you. But don't forget... Snickety snitch and jump for joy, whatever they say, oh Wally's the boy! Yahow!
Secombe:	Gulp
Greenslade:	Now here are the programmes for tonight...
Secombe:	The wretched man was about to refer to the highly ignored Goon Show.
FX:	Loud cheers and whistling
Secombe:	Stop! Greenslade?
Greenslade:	Sir?
Secombe:	Leave your toys for a moment, and lets have some words.
Greenslade:	Yes big brother. Ladies and gentlepong this week the Goons present a science-fiction fantasy act in a cunning attempt to take the place of the horror comics. This masterpiece of mediocrity is entitled…
Orchestra:	Dramatic chord
Secombe:	Forog! (insane laughter)
Orchestra:	Bass clarinet playing suspensful arpeggio
Peter:	(low, sinister voice) It was one of those days that follow the night. London was blanketed by a thick swirling pea-soup fog. All was still as Ned Seagoon put on his hat and coat.
Seagoon:	Yes, I decided to go out for a breath of fresh air.
Milligan:	Let him go!
Seagoon:	I hadn't realised it was so foggy, but indeed it was so thick that I had to walk in front of myself with a blazing torch.
Eccles:	Oh ho! You're not the only one!
Seagoon:	As I walked along a stream of buses and cars followed in my wake. Strange how men recognise a leader. I guided them along when suddenly…
Minnie Bannister:	Ooooooh no, please! Oooooh no, oooh! etc...
Seagoon:	...I bumped into someone. Are you alright madam?
Minnie Bannister:	You should know!
Seagoon:	Madam, perhaps I can direct you somewhere?
Minnie Bannister:	I'd better direct you, sir!
Seagoon:	Me hehe? You, direct me? That's rich! Me? That's rich indeed! Me who guides half London? What makes you think I'm lost?
Minnie Bannister:	You're in my kitchen!
Seagoon:	Impossible! According to my calculations I've just come up Highgate Hill
Minnie Bannister:	You've just come up three flights of steps, Mister
Seagoon:	Oh, good heavens! I'm on the third floor! No, it can't be!
Milligan:	This happens every day in London.
Orchestra:	Bass clarinet playing suspensful arpeggio
Greenslade:	Young Ned took a taxi to the foot of the stairs and two hours later he was again in the street.
Seagoon:	(coughing) Curse this fog! It's worse than I first thought!
Bluebottle:	Enter invisible Bluebottle with bronchitis and smog mask around both knees to keep leggy-peggies warm! Voyla! No audience applause nee-hee! That is because of the fog. Here, I don't... eeeeh!
Seagoon:	Oh!
Bluebottle:	Ee-hee! I have bumped against a sack of something soft!
Seagoon:	Whoever you are, it's me!
Bluebottle:	I'm sorry madam, this fog is thicker than it was before, but it's warmer! You think it has got warmer?
Seagoon:	Will you take your head out of my pocket?!
Bluebottle:	Ee-hee-hee! So that is why it's warmer. Thinks... I must ask mummy to make me a pocket so I can wear my head in it. Speaks... Pardon me, can you direct me to the BBC? I'm appearing in the naughty Coon Show
Seagoon:	Yes, just let me get my bearings, little hair-pin legs. Now, BBC... Which way are you facing?
Bluebottle:	I'm facing the BBC.
Seagoon:	Oh well, straight on!
Bluebottle:	Thank you nice invisible human. Disappears into murk and fog singings “Give me some men, who are…”
FX:	Water splash
Bluebottle:	You rotten swine, you! You have directed me into the dreaded water and I can not see for the fog, so I don't know whether I'm drowning or not! Shouts "Help" just in case... Help Just In Case! Lights match to see if feet are touching the bottom... no, but the legs are! Tee-Hee! I made a little jokul! Hee-hee-hee! Exits left so's I can hear Worker's Playtime.
Seagoon:	I don't wish to know that. And with that stinging repartee on my lips, I made my way unerringly to my chambers. First left, straight and... curse this bus! Stop following me, I tell you, I'm going home! I say driver, stop following me!
Lew:	(Jewish) I can't help it, you've got your braces wrapped around the radiator!
Seagoon:	Bless my soul, you're right! I thought it was warm a-hint of me.
Milligan:	We're not allowed to say "behind"!
Seagoon:	I found it much easier to walk without the bus and was soon at my front door.
FX:	Several door knocks
Seagoon:	(Hums, and sings)
FX:	Door opens
Seagoon:	My butler let me in which was strange... I hadn't got one!
Butler:	Yes sir?
Seagoon:	Oh I'm terribly sorry, I must be in the wrong house.
Butler:	Good, so long as I'm alright!
Seagoon:	It's extraordinary but I can't find my way, Jack.
Butler:	Don't worry sir, you go home and have a good rest.
Seagoon:	Home? That's the trouble, I don't seem to be able to find it!
Churchill:	Ahhh. What was that?
Seagoon:	I said I don't seem to be able to find it!
Churchill:	Err, don't worry Monty, you'll be alright.
Seagoon:	Pardon?
Butler:	Good night, Sir.
Seagoon:	Yes, but I…
FX:	Door slams
Seagoon:	I recognised the voice... Good Heavens! I must be well out of my way, I live in Brixton! Help! Anyone know where Brixton is? Heeeelp!
Greenslade:	The fog lasted three days and so great was the turmoil it caused a special sitting was called in Westminster. Some of the members were so begrimed by the fog that the speaker opened with the words…
Ellington:	Gentlemen...
Orchestra:	Hits tambourine
Ellington:	...Be seated!
Omnes:	coughs
Secombe:	{whiny voice} Is it not time...?
Crun:	Here here!
Secombe:	...That something definite was done about this fog?
Milligan:	Yes.
Greenslade:	And on that conclusive word, the debate was about to end when suddenly a figure walking in front of himself with a burnt-out torch emerged from under the front bench.
Seagoon:	My name is Ned Seagoon.
FX:	Faint clapping
Seagoon:	Thank you! Honourable members, I am an amateur scientist.
Politician 2:	What about tea?
Seagoon:	Thank you, thank you very much. As I was wandering about in the fog, I believe I stumbled upon a solution to rid London of this annual horror.
Churchill:	We are not discussing pantomime.
Politician 1:	Here, here.
Politician 1:	Does the honourable member realise that fog is costing us millions a year?
Politician 2:	Well, stop buying it then!
Politician 1:	Here here!
Politician 2:	Bravo!
Seagoon:	Gentlemen…
Politician 2:	What about tea?
Seagoon:	Gentlemen, if it costs, if it costs the taxpayer so much are you prepared to sponsor me in an attempt to rid London of fog?
Omnes:	Bravo! Here here!
Greenslade:	So Ned Seagoon by his own initiative and resource, was given the official title of Fog and Thick Smog Officer -- in short: FATSO!
Seagoon:	In my little government sponsored twelve-storey laboratory I carried out my theory which was the heating atomically the belts of cold air rising from earth's variation in order to warm the atmosphere. (evil laugh) I called my experiment Hot Air!
Nelson:	I first heard the news of Seagoon's appointment on December the 3rd. At the time I was quietly contemplating Admiralty Arch from the top of my 170 foot column. Yes, my name is Nelson.
Milligan:	How can a statue receive news?
Nelson:	By pigeon.
Orchestra:	Sinister chords
Greenslade:	Why is the statue of Nelson interested in Ned Seagoon's fog experiments? And will Ned succeed? Don't forget to order your next installment of Forog complete with a large colour portrait of Big Wal Greenslade... And a special musical noise on the fog pipe by Max Geldray.
Max Geldray and Orchestra:	[Musical interlude: ‘Stardust’]
Greenslade:	We must apologise to listeners who received their pictures on our Elephant and Castle transmitter, for the fact that Max Geldray was blotted out at the end by a bout of thick fog. (cough,cough)
Orchestra:	Bass clarinet playing a sinister arpeggio
Seagoon:	I was in my laboratory at the time, and as I looked out of the government-sponsored window I saw the dirty yellow fog and vowed to abolish it for good and all!
FX:	THree rapid door knocks
Seagoon:	Come in!
FX:	Noisy door handle turns and the door opens.
Nelson:	Good day, sir, are you Ned Seagoon?
Seagoon:	I have that good fortune. I looked at my visitor, he was dressed in a grey-stone naval uniform. He was well over 10 feet which gave him the appearance of being tall.
Nelson:	You may call me Nelson.
Seagoon:	I'm pleased to (...gulp...) Nelson?
Nelson:	Yes, the statue of Horatio Nelson. You don't believe it, do you?
Seagoon:	Yes, I mean no, I mean, well... I see.. Eccles!
FX:	Noisy door handle turns and the door opens.
Eccles:	Hallo! Oh, Oh hello Nelson!
Seagoon:	Eccles I've just seen... you can see him too?
Eccles:	Yeah, I don't blame him for coming off that column in this weather. Ha! You done a good thing huh...
Seagoon:	Eccles, you can't possibly speak to stone, you must be out of your mind!
Eccles:	What's your excuse?
Nelson:	Enough. Now listen to me, Seagoon, stop experimenting with fog!
Seagoon:	I'm trying to get rid of it
Nelson:	Precisely, but we statues, we must have fog.
Eccles:	Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
Nelson and Achilles:	Halt!
Nelson:	Now, when the weather is really foggy, do you see...
Seagoon:	Yes.
Nelson:	...it is the only chance we statues have to move around and see the sights.
Seagoon:	I see, I see.
Nelson:	Yes.
Seagoon:	So, really, you want me to forget my fog experiments so that you can go gallivanting at random?
Nelson:	Preciselung.
Seagoon:	No! I won't do it, I tell you! I won't do it! I won't I won't! I'll clear the fog if it's the last thing I do!
Nelson:	That may very well be so.
Seagoon:	Eccles, Eccles, tell me it was all a dream. It was all a dream, wasn't it?
Eccles:	Ooooh!
Seagoon:	What's that you've got?
Eccles:	This came off Nelson.
Seagoon:	It's a stone chip.
Eccles:	He must have been having a stone supper! Ho ho!
Seagoon:	It's not true! (getting hysterical) It's not true I tell you! It can't be true!
Orchestra:	Sinister chord
Nelson:	Pssst! Achilles, dear chap.
Achilles:	Is that you, Nelson?
Nelson:	Who else? Seagoon refuses to drop his fog experiments, pass it on around
Achilles:	Hurriedly that I will, that. Help me down... hmmmph.
Nelson:	Take it easy.
Orchestra:	Bass clarinet plays a sinister arpeggio
Achilles:	Pssst! Eros! I say, Eros!
Bluebottle (Eros):	Hee-hee! Who is that tapping my little stone footie?
Achilles:	I bear the name of that Chilles. Now listen...
Bluebottle (Eros):	Yes I am listening. Could we get down? I've got a date in Piccadilly 'cause I'm meeting Peter Pan.
Achilles:	I have a message. Seagoon is going to do away with fog.
Bluebottle (Eros):	Ooh, the naughty mortal!
Achilles:	Now with all haste, pass this message on!
Bluebottle:	I will do this. Steps down off pedestal.
FX:	Splash!
Bluebottle:	Rotten stinkin' fountain! I'm always getting wetted! Exits left to pass on the dreaded news. Thinks: it does feel nice to put my leg down for a bit, though.
Orchestra:	Bass clarinet plays a sinister arpeggio
Greenslade:	Then the fog gradually started to lift and the statues hurried back to their pedestals and columns.
FX:	Roaring lion.
Nelson:	Alright lads, it's only me.
Greenslade:	And the news being passed round had reached the statue of William Hewitt Gladstone.
Crun (Gladstone):	Must pass this unfortunate news on to Bodicia. Bodicia!
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	Who is it?
Crun (Gladstone):	It's me, Bodi, it's Gladstone. I have some bad news for you!
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	It's not another student strike is it? After that thing they put on my head last year!
Crun (Gladstone):	It's worse than that!
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	It couldn't be!
Crun (Gladstone):	Ned Seagoon is going to do away with the fog!
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	Oh the naughty man, he's naughty!
Crun (Gladstone):	Naughty yes, but if there's no fog we won't be able to see each other again!
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	Well we never see each other in this fog anyway!
Crun (Gladstone):	But I'd never be able to come over here and not see you!
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	Oh dear, dear, dear Gladstone!
Crun (Gladstone):	Yes, Bodi Wodi!
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	Ah, the fog's lifting! Oooh!
Crun (Gladstone):	You're right! Mercy save us! How am I going to get back?
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	I could run you round in the old chariot, Buddy.
Crun (Gladstone):	It's no good, you've got no reflectors on it, Minnie.
Minnie Bannister (Bodicia):	You cavy buddy Gladstone, there's a mortal coming! Oh dear!
Greenslade:	Yes, it was me, but I didn't notice anything as I was reading the Radio Times
Milligan:	How many of you recognised that for the next 3 days Gladstone was holding the reigns of Bodicia's chariot, eh? You must notice these things, you know!
Orchestra:	Sinister chords
Seagoon:	But, Major Bloodnok, it's true I tell you, I saw Nelson with my own eyes! He came to me at my government sponsored laboratory!
'Bloodnok:	Cabel me cornickies I haven't heard such cock since I recommended me for a medal.
Seagoon:	Major Bloodnok! I demand military protection! If all these statues gang up on me I'm finished!
'Bloodnok:	Now stop stroking me putties and let's get this down. Now then...
Seagoon:	My name is Ned Seagoon.
'Bloodnok:	I got that. now, did any other responsible person see the statue.
Eccles:	Oh yeah, I did.
'Bloodnok:	No other responsible person?
Seagoon:	You must believe me, Major!
'Bloodnok:	Sit down lad and have some more gin.
Seagoon:	I've never drunk gin in my life!
'Bloodnok:	Well sit down and have some more of whatever you've had too much of!
Seagoon:	You, you, you must give me military protection!
'Bloodnok:	Come now look, supposing I ordered a soldier to watch Nelson to see if he moved, I mean I'd soon get my ticket wouldn't I, eh?
Seagoon:	I'd give you a job as personal bodyguard! 10 pounds a week and all found!
'Bloodnok:	Corporal Gladys!
Ellington:	Yeah?
'Bloodnok:	Put Nelson under close arrest!
Greenslade:	Two days later fog again envelops the south of England, but this time there was a cordon of Scots guards round the base of Nelson's Column. Anyone over ten feet was challenged.
Milligan:	Nobody noticed Nelson going through on his knees!
Seagoon:	Nobody noticed Nelson going through on his knees, did he, Well! Bully for Nelson. I was in my government-sponsored offices at the time. In a few days my experiment would be tested, then gone will be fog and the statues will not be able to harm me!
Orchestra:	Bass clarinet playing sinister arpeggios
Seagoon:	You!
Nelson:	Yes Neddy, you are determined to go ahead, I see?
Seagoon:	Yes, yes, yes, and I've told the war office about you, so there! And they believed me!
Nelson:	Did they really?
Seagoon:	Yes, well I mean they are protecting me! I'm government-sponsored!
Nelson:	You silly twisted boy, you!
Seagoon:	Quick, quick Eccles, get his arm!
FX:	Sounds of a struggle
Eccles:	Okay, okay, I got him!
FX:	The struggling continues
Seagoon:	There!
Nelson:	Now, what have you accomplished?
Seagoon:	I've had some stone handcuffs specially prepared, and now you're my prisoner! I'm going to take to the War Office and prove that you're true! (evil laugh) Eccles, open the door! (evil laugh) ...(shouts) POWER!
Eccles:	Okay.
FX:	Noisy door handle turns and the door opens.
Seagoon:	(evil laugh) Come on, you wretched stone statue! Come on!
Nelson:	style="vertical-align: top padding-bottom: 1em"Poor misguided boy.
FX:	Shutting door
Eccles:	I don't want to worry Neddy, but I can't see who he keeps talking to!
Orchestra:	A sinister chord
Greenslade:	Yesterday, a young government-sponsored scientist was helped down Nelson's Column where he had handcuffed himself to the statue of Nelson. In warning him, the magistrate said there was too much of this sort of thing going on. However, as this was Seagoon's first offence he was sentenced to 3 minutes of Ray Ellington.
The Ray Ellington Quartet:	Musical interlude: ‘One Mint Julep’
Seagoon:	Success! Success, hahahah! Eccles, I've done it, at last! My experiment went off beautifully! The fog disappeared like magic, never to return. Ha Ha! No more Fog, Eccles! Just think of it, they'll make me Lord Seagoon and you'll be Lady Eccles. Oh wonderful day! Wonderful day!
FX:	Bells ringing and cheers in the background.
Seagoon:	And listen to the bells, Eccles! This is Seagoon's Day! Look at the crowd, listen to them! Open the window. Come on, open the window and let them see me.
FX:	A window opens.
FX:	Bells ringing an people cheering
Seagoon:	Thank you, thank you! Ha ha, bless you all! Oh no no no, it was nothing!
Grams:	Noises stop abruptly
Eccles:	I don't want to say anything, but the streets are deserted
Orchestra:	Sinister chord link
Greenslade:	Seagoon bathed in the limelight of public acclaim as the cleanser of London. It was indeed a pleasure to sit in London's parks and read a copy of the Radio Times. This pleasure was available to all for three whole days, and then…
Orchestra:	Bass clarinet being very sinister
Seagoon:	Just think, Eccles, in this very little government-sponsored laboratory our triumph was achieved! By Jove, it's getting dark early it's only 2 o'clock
Eccles:	Yeah, if I wasn't with you I'd say it was fog
Seagoon:	Fog! Well it can't be, it can't be, it can't be!
Eccles:	Oh it's somebody's smoking heavy, that's it
Seagoon:	Where are my notes?
Eccles:	They've gone, Major Bloodnok took them
Seagoon:	Took them where?
Eccles:	He left London airport a week ago with them
Seagoon:	I don't like this, Eccles, I mean I smell a rat!
Eccles:	I don't want to worry Neddy but I can't smell anything!
Seagoon:	I want you to get a sample of that fog!
Eccles:	Oh yeah, yeah, I got a bucket, hold on…
Seagoon:	Open the window, you idiot!
FX:	Window slides open
Eccles:	(coughing)
Seagoon:	I've got some! Close the window!
FX:	The window slides closed
Greenslade:	While Ned Seagoon is analysing the fog... may I take this opportunity of wishing all Greensladers a very merry Christmas. Get your friends to join in with the refrain. Snickety-snitch and two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate. Greenslade! And now for our chapter 8: the Awakening
Seagoon:	I've got it, Eccles! By Jove now it all fits in! This isn't fog, neither is it smog, this is forog!
Eccles:	Ooooh!
Seagoon:	Yes, foreign fog, you see? Hee hee hee, it's been manufactured abroad, and shipped here!
Eccles:	I wonder how much duty there is to pay? Ho, ho!
Seagoon:	This is serious Eccles, serious!
Eccles:	Is it? Yeah!
Seagoon:	Major Bloodnok has obviously sold my notes to Nelson. I must get to the House of Commons with the news!
Orchestra:	Frenetic link.
Omnes:	Now look here now... We can't...
Seagoon:	Honourable members! I have grave news concerning our beloved London!
Milligan:	Speak up man, let's have it now!
Omnes:	Here here!
Seagoon:	It is not fog enveloping us!
Omnes:	What about the tea?
Seagoon:	Nay, nay, nay, nay, it is forog a kind of fog manufactured in foreign parts!
Omnes:	Rubbish! Rubbish! Never heard of such a thing.
Seagoon:	Gentlemen please! If fog is being sponsored by the statues of London...
Milligan:	It's a trick to get more…
Seagoon:	No! Major Bloodnok in the War office has sold the entire…
Omnes:	(shouts overpowering Neddy)
Orchestra:	Mystical time-passing-harp
Dr Hans Eidelburger:	Now Seagoon, lad, have you placed all the bricks in the right holes and the right squares?
Seagoon:	Stop this nonsense! I don't know what's the matter with you all! I demand to see the authorities!
Dr Hans Eidelburger:	Of course, you will be able to see them in a short while they are collecting evidence at the minute.
Seagoon:	I don't understand what this is all about!
FX:	Rattly door handle turns and a door opens.
Dr Hans Eidelburger:	Ah good morning Dr. Moriarty
Moriarty:	And good morning to you, Dr Eidelburger. And this is little Ned Seagoon eh?
Seagoon:	Doctor, doctor have they examined the forog?
Moriarty:	They have, it's turned out to be fog.
Seagoon:	It's not, I tell you! it's forog!
Moriarty:	Yes yes yes, take it easy now
Seagoon:	Did you find Major Bloodnok?
Moriarty:	Yes, we have checked with the War Office records and found there is no such man of that name ever existed.
Seagoon:	What? But, go to my government-sponsored laboratory and you'll see his name in the visitors book!
Moriarty:	Yes, yes we checked with that address you gave us but there is no laboratory there. It is an old bomb-site
Seagoon:	Gulp! But, honestly, there is a laboratory... there must be a laboratory! As true as my name is Ned Seagoon!
Moriarty:	Ah, that's another point. There is no such person as Ned Seagoon! Now just put these little squares in...
Orchestra:	End theme.
Greenslade:	That was the Goon Show: a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton
Orchestra:	End theme continues...

Transcribers

Transcription by Kurt Adkins