Robin Hood (script)

This is a ‘wikified’ version of the actual official script for the Robin Hood series 7 special. Formatting is as close to the original as possible within the limitations of wikitext, all mistakes, punctuation and spellings have been left in and not corrected.

The numbers in the first column relate to spoken line numbers, they're there so it's easy to identify any given line for the producer/editor with a simple "line 12, page 5" description. The numbers in the grey boxes are the page numbers.

This is a faithful copy of the official script, it is not a transcription of the show, therefore there will be differences, e.g. adlibs aren't included, corpsing or mistakes likewise.

The Script

‘THE GOON SHOW’ SPECIAL (7th Series)
‘ROBIN HOOD’
with
HARRY SECOMBE
SPIKE MILLIGAN
PETER SELLERS
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET
MAX GELDRAY
WALLY STOTT AND HIS ORCHESTRA
ANNOUNCER: WALLACE GREENSLADE
PRODUCTION: PAT DIXON
SCRIPT: SPIKE MILLIGAN & LARRY STEPHENS
S.M. BOBBY JAYE
REHEARSAL: SUNDAY, 2nd DECEMBER 1956: 10.30 a.m. CAST – CAMDEN
3.00 p.m. ORCHESTRA
RECORDING: SUNDAY, 2nd DECEMBER 1956: 9.00 -10.00 p.m. CAMDEN
TRANSMISSION: SUNDAY, 25th DECEMBER 1988: 1.30 p.m. HOME
R.P. REF. NO: TLO 17360
DUBBING F/X: 1.00 – 2.00 pm CAMDEN (DLO 17359/A).

Line #	Character	Lines
– 1 –
1.	BILL:	This is London calling the world.
2.	ECCLES:	Hello world!
3.	BILL:	That was the voice of England.
4.	HARRY:	We're in a bad way, mate!
5.	BILL:	Shh! Mr Seagoon! Don’t spoil this magic moment. Kindly put on these self-splitting tights.
6.	HARRY:	What for?
7.	BILL:	The Goon Show Christmas pantomime entitled - Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
	GRAMS:	BELLS PEALING
	ORCHESTRA:	DRAMATIC FANFARE & BACKGROUND MUSIC
8.	BILL:	It is now Christmas Eve in the year eleven ninety-one. In distant Acre my lord, King Richard Coeur-de-Lion, does battle in a valiant crusade. But, here at home in England's realm, a despotic rump is lowered onto our ancient throne. Its owner is yclept Prince John.
9.	HARRY:	But, to the poor people of England, hope is kindled by a magic name - Robin Hood!
10.	OMNES:	'Robin Hood'!
	ORCHESTRA:	‘LUCKY STRIKE’
	GRAMS:	KNIVES & FORKS ON PLATES, CHATTER, LAUGHTER AND FLUTE PLAYING IN BACKGROUND FADE UNDER:
11.	SHERIFF:	Come my Prince John! Raise such a great Christmas Yule tide type of feast of vitals for your baron and yet eat not yourself? Come partake of this side of ox.
12.	SPIKE:	Oh, no thanks, I've just had a boiled egg.
13.	PETER:	Oh my thin Prince, why are you so broody tonight?
14.	SPIKE:	I think the egg's hatched.
15.	PETER:	My majesty was given a bad egg? I'll have the chef boiled alive!
16.	SPIKE:	No, I'm not that hungry, pass me another fairy cake please.
17.	PETER:	Your majesty, is it this Robin Hood vagabond that upsets you?
18.	SPIKE:	Oh, don’t mention that man's name again, don't mention that man's name to me again!
– 2 –
1.	PETER:	But what part of him shall I mention then?
2.	SPIKE:	Well, there's so much of him.
3.	PETER:	Well you insisted on Secombe playing the part.
4.	HARRY:	What-what-what-what-what-what-what-what-what?
5.	PETER:	Quiet back there, you're not on 'til the second act!
6.	SPIKE:	My lord, Sheriff of Nottingham, I have decided you will capture that fellow Robin Hood by Christmas or I'll split your grotkin with a leather mackerel-sheet.
7.	PETER:	Ooo majesty!
8.	SPIKE:	The reward will be, ah um, a hundred gold splonders.
9.	PETER:	One hundred gold splonders! Ha ha ha!
	ORCHESTRA:	DRAMATIC LINK
	GRAMS:	GENERAL CROWD NOISES
10.	SPRIGGS:	Ding-dong! Clang! Clang-ding-dong-dang-dang! Here ye! Ding-dang! Stolen – one bell! Hear ye...silence good people of Nottingham! A proclamation from the sheriff - he sends you Christmas and Xmas greetings at the same time and he will give one gold splonder for the capture of Robin Hood, dead or alive, or both. Also, there will be an archery-type contest on ye green. A willow wand will be split in thrice and there will be a prize of Christmas pudding .... (TRAILS OFF)
11.	THYNNE:	Did ye hear that, Moriarty? Ye golden splonder for ye Robin Hood.
12.	MORIARTY:	Ye money. Owww! Ye owww! Ye gotta go owwww!
13.	THYNNE:	You've got to go.
14.	THYNNE & MORIARTY:	owww.
15.	MORIARTY:	Another record sold.
16.	THYNNE:	Oww! And ye archery contest.
17.	MORIARTY:	That’s what he said.
18.	THYNNE:	Moriarty, me thinks, me can gain me a gold splonder.
17.	MORIARTY:	But how? We've got no contacts.
19.	THYNNE:	Please, don’t do that with your teeth out! Stop worrying, Moriarty, I've got a trump card up my sleeve.
– 3 –
1.	MORIARTY:	And I've got newspaper in my boots.
2.	THYNNE:	Yes, well you always were a snappy dresser, weren't you? Come, steaming Frank pack the jam tins. You and I are going to take a coach ride through Sherwood Forest.
3.	MORIARTY:	Oh a little tatters
	ORCHESTRA:	DRAMATIC LINK
	F/X:	HORSES & CARRIAGE GRAMS: TRUMPET PLAYS ‘POP GOES THE’ IN THE STYLE OF AN ARMY REVEILLE
4.	MIN:	What a lovely tune that was.
5.	CRUN:	Yes. Its snowing, Min.
6.	MIN:	Ohh!
7.	CRUN:	Doesn’t it look nice?
8.	MIN:	Yes
9.	CRUN:	I wonder where we are, Min?
10.	MIN:	I'll find out. Pardon me, young man, could you tell us where we are?
11.	THYNNE:	You're riding in a coach, Ma'am.
12.	MIN:	Ahh - thank you, young man.
13.	CRUN:	What did he say, Min?
14.	MIN:	He said we're riding in a coach, Henry.
15.	CRUN:	Ohh! Where's Auntie Gladys?
16.	MIN:	Ohh! Oh - she waved us goodbye when we left.
17.	CRUN:	Ohh! The wonders of speed travel. To think we only came to see Auntie Gladys off and here we are riding through Sherwood Forest.
18.	MIN:	It's the wonder of modern type travel.
19.	CRUN:	Yes, yes.
20.	MIN:	Oo! Oo dear! What the..? Oo! Oo! Pardon me, young man, is that your Christmas brown paper parcel under the seat?
– 4 –
1.	THYNNE:	That brown Christmas parcel, madam, is an eccentric French Count of some thirty-two summers.
2.	MORIARTY:	Ow!
3.	THYNNE:	He insists on riding with his back to the axle - I think it's something to do with the shortage of money.
4.	MIN:	Ooo - he says its something to do with the shortage of money, Henry.
5.	CRUN:	You can't get it, Min. There's a shortage of shortages too you know
6.	MIN:	Where will it all end? Ooo - hallelujah. O’dear.
7.	CRUN:	Min! Did you put the cat out?
8.	MIN:	No, it wasn't on fire.
9.	CRUN:	Oh dear. Well I'm going up to bed, Min.
10.	MIN:	No smoking up top now. I'll lock up from the hanging
	GRAMS:	HORSE WHINNYING
11.	MIN & CRUN:	(ALARMED EXCLAMATIONS)
	GRAMS:	HORSE HOOVES SLOW TO A STOP
12.	HARRY:	Merry Christmas - your money or your life!
13.	CRUN:	Happy new year! An outlaw!
14.	MIN:	Mercy, we'll all be murdered in our beds! Get away, you devil in green!
15.	CRUN:	Go on Min, give him the length of your tongue!
16.	MIN:	I will - six and a half inches!
	F/X:	DOOR OPENS
17.	HARRY:	Come on, get out of that bed and hand over your money!
18.	MIN & CRUN:	Oooooohhh!
19.	HARRY:	Don't worry, old wrinkled retainer. I won't harm a hair of your head.
20.	CRUN:	If you can find a hair on my head, I'll pay you for it.
21.	HARRY:	Wait! What's that shaking heap of bones under the seat?
– 5 –
1.	MORIARTY:	Ah-o-a-a-a-oh
2.	THYNNE:	That is, and I quote from this floodlit bankruptcy note, Count Jim ‘Spring knees’ Moriarty, who seeks the English archer Robin Hood!
3.	HARRY:	I am he!
	ORCHESTRA:	CHORD
4.	HARRY:	Next dance, please.
5.	MIN:	Thank you sir
6.	THYNNE:	Robin, my friend and I wish to join your band. We play C-melody saxophones.
	HARRY: .	Give proof
	ORCHESTRA:	TWO SAXAPHONES [sic] PLAY JAZZ
7.	HARRY:	Split me terracing, ye bloweth a cool metal pipe! By Fred the Kenton! I'll sign you on for five and seven.
8.	THYNNE:	Give the man five and seven, Moriarty, and sign on.
9.	MORIARTY:	Ohhh!
	F/X:	CASH REGISTER OPENS
10.	HARRY:	Thank you. Now report to Qstores for the old battle dress of Lincoln green now, two bows and arrows and a pair of spare feet. (TONGUE CLICK) Breakfast o-six-hundred, parade o-six-o-one. Right master Geldray, beguile me with a merry tune on the old nostril.
	MAX AND ORCHESTRA:	‘YOU’RE THE CREAM IN MY COFFEE’
		(APPLAUSE)
	ORCHESTRA:	SUBDUED FANFARE (FADE OUT)
	MUSIC:	STRUMMED LUTE
11.	MINSTREL:	(SUNG OVER LUTE) The snow was gently falling, as Robin to Nottingham went. He entered the archery contest with a hat all battered and bent (STOPS SINGING) that’s enough of that.
	GRAMS:	SPRING-WOOSH, THUD OF 3 ARROWS FIRED.
12.	HARRY:	Ye Grytpype. Do you think ye people will recognise me in this Kentucky minstrel Disguise?
– 6 –
1.	THYNNE:	Ye no.
2. MORIARTY:		Its [sic] your turn to shoot, Robin.
3.	THYNNE:	No, I shot him last time! Ye joke, Robin.
4.	HARRY:	Yes. Ye (LAUGHS)
5.	BILL:	Ye next bowman please!
6.	MORIARTY:	Your turn.
7.	HARRY:	Watch this for shooting!
8.	THYNNE:	Right.
	GRAMS:	SPRING-WOOSH, THUD – MOO!
9.	THYNNE:	A bull!
10.	BILL:	Ye charlie disguised as ye Kentucky minstrel wins!
11.	HARRY:	Ye hooray!
12.	OMNES:	Hooray!
13.	SPIKE:	Here archer, you pull a mean bow
14.	HARRY:	Yes it was given me by a mean uncle! Hahahaha, ye joke!
15.	SPIKE:	Oh no, no, leave ye jokes to me. I wear ye funny crown. Now tell me, where did you learn to pull a long bow?
16.	HARRY:	I took a postal correspondence course. The envelopes were six feet long. Hahaha
17.	SPIKE:	Please don’t, please don’t tell any more like that. Bad enough having to laugh at my own without having to listen to yours. The smelling salts please!
	GRAMS:	SQUEAK
18.	PETER:	There there, your majesty. Give him his prize and let him go.
19.	SPIKE:	Here, a ten shilling postal order for one three and a piece of holly.
20.	HARRY:	This smells of trickery.
21.	SPIKE:	Hmm? (SNIFFS) Smells alright to me.
22.	THYNNE:	Stop! Your majesty, ere the archer departs, allow me to remove his wig!
– 7 –
1.	MORIARTY:	And his trousers
2.	THYNNE:	So!
3.	HARRY:	No!
4.	OMNES:	Ooo! (AMAZED MUTTERING)
5.	PETER:	It’s Robin Hood! Ye seize him!
6.	HARRY:	Stop! Stop! Ye traitor, Thynne! I'll write to the Times about this!
	F/X:	QUILL SCRATCHES ON PAPER (BEHIND QUOTES)
7.	HARRY:	Dear Sir, I should like to say…
8.	SPIKE:	Silence wretch!
9.	THYNNE:	Your majesty, may we crave the reward of one golden splonder?
10.	SPIKE:	One? Well, I offered a hundred and a hundred you shall have.
11.	PETER:	Ah, thank you, sire. Here steaming churls, one golden splonder.
12.	MORIARTY:	One out of a hundred? We've been taken for charlies. One golden splonder! Owww!
13.	THYNNE:	Wait a minute - Who cops the other ninety-nine?
14.	PETER:	Inland Revenue.
15.	THYNNE:	I've never heard of them.
16.	PETER:	They've heard of me.
17.	SPIKE:	No, no. Stop all this arguing. I'm not having ye happy time. I'm quite of ye colour.
18.	PETER:	Have ye aspirin.
19.	SPIKE:	No, I'm not strong enough.
20.	PETER:	All your ills will be gone by dawn tomorrow when Robin Hood will be hung... drawn... quartered... clubbed... struck... lifted... lowered... hurled... stretched... drowned... dragged... drugged... bashed... bonked... thudded... tweaked... walloped and then... splugged on a Gillican spike.
21.	SPIKE:	Do you mind if I sit down?
22.	PETER:	Now, throw the wretch into dungeons dark, dank and donk.
– 8 –
	GRAMS:	LOUD CROWD NOISE
1.	HARRY:	Ye'll pay for this!
2.	PETER:	Nonsense, we get it all free on National Health.
	ORCHESTRA:	DESCENDING NOTES (THROUGHOUT DUNGEON SCENE ACCOUSTICS ARE ECHOY AS IN A LARGE CHAMBER)
	MUSIC:	STRUMMED LUTE
3.	MINSTREL:	(SUNG OVER LUTE) Cast into dungeons dark dank and donk, all hopes of freedom gone. Chained by the walls by his nose, teeth and ears, three for the price of one. (MUTTERS) Not very good.
4.	HARRY:	He's gone. Dont worry folks, I won’t be in this cell for long. Hahaha. They've promised to take me out at dawn and hang me. I said it. But, they'll never do it. Before then, my brilliant lieutenant, Friar Balsalm, has promised to rescue me.
5.	BLOOD:	Pssssst
6.	HARRY:	What is that I hear?
7.	BLOOD:	Pssssst
8.	HARRY:	How do you spell it?
9.	BLOOD:	Pssss ssss ssst
10.	HARRY:	What? Why, that’s the way Friar Balsam pronounces Pssssst's! Is that you, Friar Balsam, come to rescue me?
11.	BLOOD:	Yes.
12.	HARRY:	Where are you, my clever lieutenant?
13.	BLOOD:	Behind you, chained to the wall by the ears, nose and throat.
14.	HARRY:	You clever lieutenant! You've disguised yourself as a prisoner.
15.	BLOOD:	Have I? Have I got news for you! The truth is, I'm a prisoner too. My arms are chained by the neck.
16.	HARRY:	Ah, are your legs chained?
17.	BLOOD:	No
18.	HARRY:	Then, then let's dance.
– 9 –
1.	BLOOD:	Delighted!
	ORCHESTRA:	JAZZY TUNE
2.	HARRY:	Gad! You waltz divinely. Do you come here often?
3.	BLOOD:	Only when I'm caught.
4.	HARRY:	Ha ha ha. Can't we face life together?
5.	BLOOD:	I've got news for you…we are facing life together!
6.	HARRY:	What? Stop! Send that band back to their own cell. I've just remembered; I'm going to be killed tomorrow. (ORCHESTRA STOPS) We must escape. Wait! This stone I'm chained to..it's loose. Yes, I can feel a draft. (STRAINING NOISES). Done it!
7.	BLOOD:	What?
8.	HARRY:	Taken an aspirin. I don’t want to catch cold.
9.	BLOOD:	Wait a moment, I have an idea. Place your chain twixt my teeth.
10.	HARRY:	There. Tis twixt. Now...pull! Pull!
11.	BLOOD:	(MUFFLED STRAINING NOISES)
12.	HARRY:	Go on, Friar Balsam, pull! Let those strong, white, English teeth pull us to Freedom!
	F/X:	POP FOLLOWED BY CLATTERING OF TEETH INTO A BUCKET
13.	BLOOD:	(TOOTHLESS) Well, don't just stand there. Put them in a glass of water!
14.	HARRY:	Never mind ye choppers, you pulled the stone out. Follow me through to freedom!
	F/X:	CLANKING OF CHAINS
15.	BLOOD:	(STRAINING NOISES) Gad! It is ye dark in here!
16.	HARRY:	Yes. Its not worth opening ye eyes.
17.	BLOOD:	What a relief to get out of that filthy cell twenty-five. Now then, where are we?
18.	HARRY:	In filthy cell twenty-six. Shh! There's someone coming with a lighted candle.
19.	BLOOD:	(WHISPERS) It looks like the sheriff.
20.	HARRY:	So! He's disguised himself as a lighted candle. Quick! Hide under this straw.
– 10 –
	F/X:	RUSTLING OF STRAW & UNBOLTING OF DOOR.
1.	BLOOD:	He'll never spot us under this.
2.	HARRY:	Ha ha!
	F/X:	HEAVY DOOR OPENING
3.	PETER:	Alright you two idiots. Come out from under that straw.
4.	BLOOD:	What –what –what?
5.	HARRY:	What -what -what -what -what?
6.	PETER:	Now listen, I'm going to make a bargain with you.
7.	HARRY:	What -what -what -what?
8.	PETER:	Two Christmas weight poplin shirts with holly attached to tail. Five and eleven pence or in Canadian money, six thousand dollars.
9.	HARRY:	Time to pay?
10.	PETER:	Yes, I think it is time to pay.
11.	HARRY:	I'm sorry. I've only got one on and one in the wash.
12.	PETER:	So! You turn my ye offer down? Very well - pay a ransom of a thousand golden splonders or hang.
13.	HARRY:	Ye gulp. Give me til the end of Ray Ellington’s number?
14.	PETER:	Not a moment longer!
	RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET:	‘SHE’S A THREE HANDED WOMAN’
		(APPLAUSE)
15.	SPRIGGS:	Dong dong Christmas Eve and all's well.
16.	HARRY:	Midnight!
17.	SPRIGGS:	Dong.
18.	HARRY:	One o'clock!
19.	BLOOD:	Gad it's late. If that ransom money doesn't arrive by dawn, we shall never see the North Pole again.
– 11 –
1.	HARRY:	Yes, and after all that cactus I planted too.
2.	BLOOD:	Yes.
	F/X:	HEAVY DOOR OPENING
3.	PETER:	Alright you dogs, kneel down for Prince John.
4.	SPIKE:	Oh no, they'll get all their knees dirty.
5.	PETER:	Listen scum…
6.	BLOOD:	Mr Scum to you.
7.	PETER:	Robin Hood! A thousand splonders, now!
8.	HARRY:	Quick! Blow out his candle!
	F/X:	FSSH OF CANDLE BEING BLOWN OUT.
9.	PETER:	Agghhh, you devils! Have at you!
	F/X & GRAMS:	FIGHT SOUNDS (HARRY/PETER & ECCLES YELLING), THUMPS, BANGS
10.	ECCLES:	(BREATHLESS) Alright we've finished.
11.	HARRY:	(HEAVY BREATHING) Thank you gents!
12.	ECCLES:	We've finished.
13.	HARRY:	He's doing his nut there. Now you swine, had enough?
14.	ECCLES:	(BREATHLESS) Yeah, I had enough.
15.	HARRY:	Its [sic] Will Eccles. What are you doing in prison?
16.	ECCLES:	Six months. What are you doing?
17.	BLOOD:	Then where are those two scoundrels?
	GRAMS:	HEAVY DOOR BEING CLOSED
18.	ECCLES:	Oh!
19.	HARRY:	They've locked us in from the outside!
	F/X:	PHONE PICKED UP
20.	ECCLES:	Do something
– 12 –
	GRAMS:	DIALLING ON A TELEPHONE
1.	BILL:	Dear listeners, the sound you are hearing is an early British Telephone circa fourteen-twelve.
2.	NORRIS:	Hello? Robin Hood to Headquarters here.
3.	HARRY:	Hello? Norris?
4.	NORRIS:	Robin, where are you? In the nick?
5.	HARRY:	Yes. Listen, unless I give him a thousand golden splonders, the Sheriff is going to kill me for Christmas.
6.	NORRIS:	A thousand? Offer him nine-fifty and take a chance.
7.	HARRY:	No. No, it’s a thousand or nothing.
8.	NORRIS:	You giving me a choice? Don't worry schmulik, I'm sending a schlapper round with the geld straight away.
	F/X:	PHONE BEING HUNG UP
	F/X:	DOOR KNOCK
9.	NORRIS:	That's him at the door now
10.	HARRY:	That’s an old gag
11.	NORRIS:	So? This is 1412 remember. You shouldn’t get new gags now. Ye, all ready?
12.	HARRY:	Ying-tong-iddle-i-po-muzzletopf
	GRAMS:	PHONE BEING HUNG UP
13.	HARRY:	It's no good. Lew is unreliable. He let Milligan down at Eastbourne.
14.	ECCLES:	I know!
15.	HARRY:	He might not ever send that money. We should escape at once! If not twice!
16.	BLOOD:	Wait! Look up there! A high window with no barring.
17.	HARRY:	Curse these licensing laws!
18.	ECCLES:	Wait! I got a license for climbing out of windows.
19.	HARRY:	Splendid, young Eccles. Get against that wall. Right.
20.	ECCLES:	Ok.
– 13 –
1.	HARRY:	Now, Friar Balsam. You climb on his shoulders.
2.	BLOOD:	Right-ho, yes.
	F/X:	STRAINING NOISES
3.	ECCLES:	Dont [sic] hurt yourself, now!
4.	BLOOD:	That's it.
5.	ECCLES:	Be careful.
6.	BLOOD:	Come up. Now Robin, come on.
	F/X:	STRAINING NOISES
7.	HARRY:	Curse! I still can't reach it.
8.	ECCLES:	I know. I'll come up and get on your shoulders, that alright?
9.	OMNES:	ALL TALK TOGETHER
10.	ECCLES:	Still can't reach. Now you get up on my shoulders, Friar Balsam.
11.	HARRY:	And I'll get up on yours.
12.	OMNES:	ALL TALK TOGETHER (FROM A DISTANCE)
13.	BILL:	(OVER TALKING) Ladies and gentlemen. The feat now being performed is extremely dangerous and should only be done on radio by experienced idiots. Meantime a stranger is admitted to the presence of Prince John…
	GRAMS:	RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.
14.	BLUEBOTTLE:	Enter Bluebottle in doublet made from Mum's old drawers
15.	PETER:	Silence! What is this sodden piece of cardboard?
16.	BLUEBOTTLE:	Silence, or I will strike! Moves right, brandishes string sword in Sheriff's face.
17.	PETER:	That string sword doesn't frighten me, lad
18.	BLUEBOTTLE:	Ah, Doesn't it? You just wait 'til I tie a knot in it then!
19.	SPIKE:	Now! Please, stop this violence. Where's the money?
20.	BLUEBOTTLE:	I will not give it to you until you free Robin Hood.
– 14 –
1.	PETER:	What? Tie him to a stake!
2.	BLUEBOTTLE:	No! Do not tie me to a steak, I'm a vegetarian!
3.	SPIKE:	Then tie him to a stick of celery!
4.	BLUEBOTTLE:	Oo! Lovely! But, I warn you, one step nearer and I will bring the power of fists into play. Blan! Blun! Splut! I will go blin-splowee-zon hit hit-hit- hit-hit-hit. Do you know dat I learnt all my boxing off comic strips? Have you ever seen a comic strip?
5.	SPIKE:	Only in a steam bath. It was ghastly.
6.	BLUEBOTTLE:	Oh!
7.	PETER:	Come here!
8.	BLUEBOTTLE:	Nooo-no! Let go of my set of ankles. It is Christmas. Merry Christmas! (SINGS) 'Good King Wenceslas'…
	F/X:	DOOR BURSTS OPEN
9.	HARRY:	Drop that Bluebottle!
10.	PETER:	Curses! Robin is free!
11.	SPIKE:	It's Robin Hood! I feel quite faint.
12.	PETER:	I know how his men fight so take that - Blat! Splat! Blun! Zowee! Sock! Thud!
13.	HARRY:	What? Splinge! Carrumph! Splat! Ching!
14.	OMNES:	(ALL CAST JOIN IN WITH ‘COMIC BOOK FIGHTING’)
15.	BLUEBOTTLE:	(OVER NOISE OF FIGHTING) Ohhh, My captain is over there, fighting to rescue me!
16.	HARRY:	(OFF) That's what you think!
17.	PETER:	Ahh! There you are!
18.	HARRY:	Blat! Thud Blin! Blon!
19.	BLUEBOTTLE:	My captain did that!
20.	PETER:	Blam!
21.	BLUEBOTTLE:	My captain copped that!
22.	HARRY:	Wallop!
– 15 –
1.	BLUEBOTTLE:	Oww! I copped that!
2.	SPIKE:	Stop! Robin Hood, call your men off! Call them off! Do you hear me?!
3.	HARRY:	Come on boy (WHISTLES) come on (WHISTLES).
4.	SPIKE:	No, no, Please, I told you no more jokes like that. We give in.
5.	PETER:	We were better on the bonks, bangs and caluds.
6.	SPIKE:	But we had so few of them.
7.	PETER:	You win, you devil, Robin. Give us the thousand gold splonders and a piece of holly and you can go.
8.	HARRY:	Here, catch. Ha ha ha. And let that be a lesson to you! (LAUGHS) Come along chaps, in two. One… two…
9.	OMNES:	(SING)Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen. Robin Hood, Robin Hood with his band of men. Feared by the good, loved by the bad, Robin Hood, hows your Dad?.... (FADE TO DRUNKEN SINGING).
	F/X:	CLOMP OF FOOTSTEPS
10.	BILL:	Oh! I do believe they've finished. Well, I must be off, catch the bus, you know. Goodnight!
	ORCHESTRA:	SIG. TUNE UP TO END. (1.50)
		(APPLAUSE)
11.	HARRY:	(OVER ORCHESTRA) Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Please, we forgot. From all of us here waist deep in the snow of Sherwood Forest, we send Christmas greetings to all the people waist deep in the snow of Canada, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. We also send greetings to all those chest deep in snow in the...aforementioned countries. (Coughs) I'll do that again! Do you mind, Chisholm? We also send greetings to all those...I'll start again...we also send greetings...I'll start from the beginning, shall I? Thank you. Stop! Stop! (RASPBERRY). We forgot. From all of us here waist deep in the snow of Sherwood Forest, we send Christmas greetings to all the people waist deep in the snow of Canada, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. We also send greetings to all those chest deep in those countries. And a merry Christmas to you all.
	ORCHESTRA:	SIG. TUNE UP TO END. (1.50)
12.	BILL:	That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Valentine Dyall and Dennis Price. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stevens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon