The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street (Transcription)

The Goon Show: The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street (Series 5, Episode 23)

(Ted Kendall remastered version)

by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes

Actor	Text Colour
Wallace Greenslade
Peter Sellers
Spike Milligan
Harry Secombe
Ray Ellington
Max Geldray
Grams
FX
Guest

Greenslade:This is the BBC.

Grytpype Thynne: Oh, dear.

Greenslade: This is Wallace Greenslade speaking with a few handy hints for new radio listeners. If at any time during the following half hour you should hear this sound…

Fx: Door handle turning

Greenslade: It means that someone has opened a door. And should you hear this…

Fx: Door handle turning

Secomb: Hello.

Greenslade: It means the picture we're trying to convey is that someone has entered the room and…

Secomb: Good-bye!

Fx: Door slamming

Greenslade: This not only means that he has left, but is also the signal for applause. And now for a rather tricky one:

Fx: Single pistol shot

Secomb: Oh, I'm dead!

Greenslade: You get the idea? The man was obviously shot but not, as he proclaimed, dead. We are, unfortunately, not allowed to do this and whenever possible we aim for the legs.

Seagoon: So out with your short cans and take the aim, there. It's time for the highly esteemed… Goon Show!

Grams: People cheering

Seagoon: Stop! Thank you. Greenslade!

Greenslade: Sir?

Seagoon: Unscrew those astrakhan corsets and give them the old posh chat, there, Wal.

Greenslade: Lindies and jogglepicks, tonight the Goons present 'The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street'.

Orchestra: Sinister Dragnet theme

Sellers: Last night, during the hours of March the 10th and Friday, one of the cleverest robberies in the history of crime was carried out in the Bank of England. Among the missing articles were six gold bars, the manager and his assistant.

Orchestra: Dramatic music followed by ethereal harp

Moriarty: ᖰᖰᖰ April in Pariiis, chestnuts in blossom ᖱᖱᖱ. Ah! That was wonderful, Grytpype. Beautiful grapefruit. Seven lovely golden eggs. Delicious crisp bacon. The type we had before the war.

Moriarty: Of course.

Moriarty: Then there was that toast, wonderful! And that exquuuisite cask of coffee.

Grytpype Thynne: Why can't you wait? We shall be having breakfast in a moment.

Moriarty: I never eat breakfast.

Grytpype Thynne: Well, try some food. By the way, Moriarty, have you seen the newspaper?

Moriarty: Yes. I saw it last week, I think.

Grytpype Thynne: Well, with my usual contempt for money, I bought a new one this morning.

Moriarty: But why? We still have two pages of the old one left!

Grytpype Thynne: As an ex-bank manager I must keep abreast of the times, you understand.

Moriarty: What new trickery is this?

Grytpype Thynne: And according to this paper, it credits us with having taken six bars of gold. You told me you'd only managed to get five.

Moriarty: (Coughing) I must have miscounted, yes. (Counting out gold bars onto a table)) 1, 2, 3, 4 and une is fünf. You see… you see, I was right. Five bars of gold.

Grytpype Thynne: This little revolver of mine says six!

Moriarty: What? Supristi-yacka-backakas! Are you going to take the word of a little revolver against mine?

Grytpype Thynne: Six bars of gold!

Moriarty: Five!

Fx: Pistol shot

Moriarty: Ah! Supristi-perpendicular! I… You realise, man, I would have been killed if that bullet hadn't struck that gold bar in my vest pocket?

Grytpype Thynne: I must practice. I aimed for your foot.

Moriarty: Oh, yes. And talking of feet, we must smuggle this gold out of the country before the police get on to our tracks. The question is… how?

Grytpype Thynne: Perfectly simple. The gold will be made into musical instruments and then a very new two-piece brass band will leave on a world tour.

Moriarty: Oh, c'est brilliant!

Fx: Rapid door knocks

Moriarty: Quick, hide these five bars of gold.

Grytpype Thynne: Six!

Moriarty: Yes, six. Voila, entréz!

Fx: DOOR OPENS

Seagoon: Good morning, gentlemen. My name is Detective Inspector Ned Seagoon.

Moriarty: Nom de nom, yacka-backaka. Someone has blundered. Inspector, last night at the time of the Bank of England robbery, I was at a reunion dinner in Manchester.

Grytpype Thynne: While I… was in South America.

Moriarty: I can prove that, I was with him. I tell you we know nothing at all about the five bars of gold.

Grytpype Thynne: Six!

Moriarty: That's right, three each.

Seagoon: I don't wish to know that.

Moriarty: Then what do you wish to know?

Seagoon: I'm collecting for the police ball.

Grytpype Thynne: Good heavens! Oh, well, why didn't you say so at first? Moriarty, my dear chap, cut him down.

Fx: The cutting of a rope followed by a thud!

Seagoon: Oh! Thank you. Now, if you wouldn't mind, er… donating a small… er…

Grytpype Thynne: Here's a shilling, Inspector.

Seagoon: Thank you very much. It'll be a Grand Ball you know? Grand Ball.

Grytpype Thynne: Yes?

Seagoon: I'm the MC.

Grytpype Thynne: Oh.

Seagoon: I'll have a big Rosette with MC on it, you know?

Grytpype Thynne: Mm-hmm.

Seagoon: I'll get them going. The next dance will be the St. Bernard waltz! Keep moving, there. I can just see me. No jiving in the middle! Clear the floor! Take your partners for the Loving Waltz. ᖰᖰᖰ When you are in love, it's the loveliest night of the year... ᖱᖱᖱ

Grytpype Thynne: Greenslade?

Greenslade: May I?

Grytpype Thynne: Yes.

Greenslade: You silly twisted boy, you!

Fx:Door knocking

Seagoon: Come in.

Fx: Opening door

Seagoon: Well, if it isn't a police sergeant!

Grams: People cheering

Seagoon: Stop!

Throat:: A message.

Seagoon: For me?

Throat:: Yes.

Seagoon: Good!

Throat:: Right.

Fx:Shutting door

Seagoon: Don't be late for choir practice!

Grytpype Thynne: What's the message?

Seagoon: Yes. This is going to be tricky. It's in writing. Good Lord! There's been a robbery at the Bank of England. They won't get far (chuckling…) All the ports are watched, you know? All the ports are watched. No one will be able to leave the country without Inspector Ned's approval, you know? Ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll take the case here. I'll start at the Bank and trace them from there. I'll catch 'em. Then… then when I'm MC'ing at the Ball, they'll point me out and say "That's him! A-ha, ha, ha! That's the man that caught the Bank of England robbers. That's him!"

Grytpype Thynne: Moriarty? Moriarty? This is the Charlie that's going to see us through the police cordon.

Moriarty: How?

Grytpype Thynne: I'll explain. Go in to that room and put on the things cos I want to tell you…

Moriarty: Right, right.

Fx: Opening door

Seagoon: Ah, a grand job! Then they'll offer me the Chief Constabulary. And a medal. And when I get to the Palace, I'll go right up and I'll say…

Grytpype Thynne: Neddie, I was… By Jove! You've got an interesting hand.

Seagoon: Ha, ha, it's nothing, it's… just a continuation of the arm, really.

Grytpype Thynne: Do you know, Madame Freda would love to read your hand. And luckily she is in this room here.

Fx: Opening door

Madam Freda: Ahh! A client! Please sit down. Ah! I see by your hand that you are a policeman.

Seagoon: How can you tell?

Madam Freda: You're holding a truncheon. And yes! Yes! You have a very strong head-line. And, oh! And what's this lump?

Seagoon: My elbow.

Madam Freda: It is a lumpy one. Now, let me see. Ah, yes, yes, you are a great band leader!

Seagoon: No! Oh, really?) I have great talent, you know. And I know all about music and I'm very, very musical, really I am. I'm MC at the police ball and… and… and… You know, you're absolutely marvellous, you really are.

Madam Freda: Now listen, Charlie. Listen, little Charlie. Now, if ever you are offered a job as a band leader with the opportunity to travel abroad… take it. You are a brilliant musician. Now close the door and good day.

Fx: Closing door

Seagoon: You know, she's very good, she's absolutely first class.

Grytpype Thynne: Ah, Neddie. Neddie? Do you know a band leader who could take a two-piece band abroad?

Seagoon: Band leader?

Grytpype Thynne: Do you know one?

Seagoon: Well I…

Grytpype Thynne: Sign here, please. We leave as soon as the instruments are ready.

Seagoon: Done. I'll just clean up the gold robbery then I'll be back.

Grytpype Thynne: Wonderful, wonderful. Before you go… maestro. Would you like to conduct Max Geldray?

Seagoon: Oh, heaven!

Grytpype Thynne: Good.

Seagoon: All together chaps!

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Max Geldray The Cat From Goose Bay

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Greenslade: The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street Part 2, or the Two Ingots of Leadenhall Street Part 6, whichever you like, I don't care. Mr. Grytpype-Thynne has sent Herr Moriarty with the six gold bars to a smelting shop. And now they're about to be melted down. Good-bye.

Grams: Bubbling liquid sounds

Henry Crun: Mnk... Steady does it, Minnie.

Minnie Bannister: Errrr, steady does it, Henry.

Henry Crun: Ah, yes...

Minnie Bannister: Ah, yes...

Henry Crun: Into the saxophone mould, Minnie.

Minnie Bannister: Ooh, aaah! How's that, Henry?

Henry Crun: No, no, not you, Minnie, the gold bars.

Minnie Bannister: I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that, Henry. I'll get out now. Oh, dear.

Fx: PHONE RINGS

Minnie Bannister: There's the phone, Henry.

Henry Crun: What?

Minnie Bannister: The talking telephone.

Henry Crun: I'll get it, baby.

Minnie Bannister: Okay, buddy.

Fx: Phone being picked up

Henry Crun: Hello? Oh, yes, Mr. Grytpype-Thynne, yes? Yes, Count Moriarty delivered the five bars of gold. What? Well, he only gave me five. Good-bye.

Minnie Bannister: Who was that on the phone, Henry?

Henry Crun: It was me, Minnie.

Minnie Bannister: I thought I recognised the voice. What?

Henry Crun: There's no honour among thieves.

Minnie Bannister: You can't get the wood, you know.

Henry Crun: No. I told him that Moriarty only left four bars.

Minnie Bannister: Four? Oh. Henry, naughty! You said five, buddy!

Henry Crun: Oh, no, no, no. No, it was four, Min.

Minnie Bannister: Oh, no, no, no, Henry, it was five. Count Moriarty put five bars of gold on the counter, buddy!

Henry Crun: No, no, you're being silly, Min. It was definitely four.

Minnie Bannister: Oh, Henry, you're...

Henry Crun: I can count as well as the next man, Minnie.

Minnie Bannister: You're trying to double-cross me, buddy!

Henry Crun: Diddle-piddle-poo, I… No, no, don't you say that I'm doublecrossing you!

Henry Crun & Minnie Bannister:Arguing over the top of each other

Grams: Sounds of battle including trumpets, the William Tell Overture… The sounds of battle deteriorate into disporate crashes and clunks

Minnie Bannister: I love you, Henry!

Henry Crun: I love you, Minnie!

Minnie Bannister: You mad…

Henry Crun: You mad, naughty…

Fx: Knocking on a door

Minnie Bannister: Come in!

Greenslade: Pardon me. Meanwhile at Scotland Yard, inspector Ned Seagoon was completely baffled.

Fx: Closing door

Seagoon: Yes. After ceaseless questioning and reading several newspapers, I discovered that it was the Bank of England which had been robbed. Then I got a summons from my chief.

Orchestra:The Bloodnok Theme

Bloodnok: Ohhh, Seagoon! Now listen very, very carefully. I have personally promised the Home Secretary I shall have an arrest within the week. Will you help me?

Seagoon: Scouts honour!

Bloodnok: Splendid, splendid. Yes! Now, just put on this prisoner’s uniform.

Seagoon: Right.

Bloodnok: Good, good, good, good. Now, this three day’s growth of beard. Splendid, splendid. Now, just sign this confession. Excellent, lad, excellent! Now, hold these six imitation gold bars. Got them?

Seagoon: Yes.

Bloodnok: Right, wonderful. Now, wait here.

Fx: A door closes then opens again

Bloodnok: Sergeant! Arrest that man!

Seagoon: Wait! Wait! Major Bloodnok, I… I dressed up to help you!

Bloodnok: A likely story. Take him away Sergeant, take him away!

Seagoon: I won't do it, I won't! I'll hide away. You'll never find me! Good-bye!

Grams: A whooshing sound followed by a door closing and then cheering

Moriarty: Stop!

Greenslade: Owing to the fact that Ned Seagoon is hurrying around to Mr. Grytpype-Thynne's, he's asked me to say "Thank You".

Fx: Door knocking

Grytpype Thynne: Come in.

Fx: A door opening

Grytpype Thynne: Well, if it isn't inspector Ned Seagoon!

Grams:Cheering

Seagoon: Thank you. Thank you.Thank you. Mr Thynne, you must help me. The police will be after me soon. They want me to take the blame for the gold robbery. You must hide me! Tell them on the night of the robbery I was with you in Aberdeen!

Grytpype Thynne: You trying to make me dishonest?

Seagoon: But I'm innocent, I tell you, I'm innocent!

Fx: Door knocking

Grytpype Thynne: Oh, this may be the messenger with the go…er… with the heavy brass instruments.

Fx: Opening door

Eccles: 'Ello!

Grytpype Thynne: Who are you?

Eccles: I'm the famous Eccles. I'm the famous Eccles. And here's the instruments.

Grytpype Thynne: Is this all there is?

Eccles: Yeah. Would you like me to play it?

Seagoon: Oh, yes please.

Eccles: Okay. Listen.

Fx: A triangle ringing note

Seagoon & Eccles: (THEY LAUGH)

Eccles: Did you hear that?

Seagoon: Very good!

Eccles: Did you… did you hear me…?

Seagoon: Let me try, let me try, let me try.

Fx:A triangle ringing note

Seagoon & Eccles: Ha ha! Isn't it good? Isn't it?

Eccles: Here, here, let me try. Now watch this.

Fx: Triangle ringing notes

Seagoon & Eccles: Ha ha!

Seagoon: It's my turn again, all right, listen, listen.

Fx: Triangle ringing notes

Seagoon & Eccles: Ha ha!

Eccles: Here, let me. Oh, it's good to be alive! Here, now, give me it, I'll do it again.

Grytpype Thynne: All right, all right, that's enough. Now, give that to me. There.

Fx: A triangle ringing note

Seagoon & Eccles: Ha ha! You're the best, Mr. Thynne! You're the best...

Eccles: He's good, he's good. You a conservative? Eh?

Grytpype Thynne: One moment, one moment. There's some discrepancy here. Six gold bars go to the melting works. One gold triangle comes back.

Eccles: Oooh! Gold? Gold? Ooh, let's hear it again!

Fx: A triangle ringing note

Eccles: That's rich! Here, I'll tell you what. You go in the room and see how it sounds in there.

Seagoon: Oh, yes, yes. Come along, Mr. Thynne.

Grytpype Thynne: Yes.

Seagoon: This is going to be fun!

Grytpype Thynne: Yes, yes.

Fx: Closing door

Seagoon: We'll have to listen very carefully, you know.

Grytpype Thynne: Yes.

Eccles:Are you ready?

Seagoon & Grytpype Thynne: Yes.

Eccles: Listen.

Fx: A door opens and closes

Seagoon: Hm. I don't think that was it.

Grytpype Thynne: No, sounded more like a door closing.

Seagoon: Door closing!?

Grytpype Thynne: Don't worry, he can't get far, I've got the…

Fx: A ringing phone is picked up

Grytpype Thynne: Hello?

French Operator::Personal call from Paris. You're through caller.

Eccles: Hello?

Grytpype Thynne: Yes?

Eccles: Listen!

Fx: A triangle ringing note

Grytpype Thynne: Curses. Well, we still have Ray Ellington.

Seagoon: That's no compensation.

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Ray Ellington Quartet Mr. Sandman & I Ain't Got Nobody

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Greenslade: Why, if it isn't The Six Gold Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 4, or The Four Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 6, whichever you like, I don't care.

Grams: Police car alarms

Radio Operator: Calling all cars. Car number 40?

Sellers: Roger.

Radio Operator: Car 41.

Sellers: Roger.

Radio Operator: Car 42.

Sellers: Fred.

Radio Operator: Car 43? Car 43?

Bluebottle: Tee-hee-hee!

Radio Operator: Car 43?

Bluebottle: I'm not telling you! So enters Fabian Bluebottles of the Yard. I'm out to bring in Neddie Seagoon, dead or alive. Nee-hee.

Radio Operator: Are you car 43?

Bluebottle: Before I tell you, here are my special terms what you got to agree to. I must not be nutted. I must not be blowed up. And I must be at the front if there's any sausinges. Signed, Bluenbottlen.

Radio Operator: Very well. Now, are you car number 43?

Bluebottle: No, nee-hee-hee! Do you know what I am?

Radio Operator: What?

Bluebottle: I'm cardboard bicycle number 1. Tee-hee-hee! Peddles off towards Sydney Street where my cap-i-tain is hiding.

Seagoon: Yes. As I peeped through the lace windows of my overcoat, I saw the police were looking for us. Ha ha ha, but they'll never find us here.

Grytpype Thynne: Silly boy, where else can they find us?

Fx: Door knocking

Ellington: Hey, open up! Open up in the name of the law!

Seagoon: How did they know I was here?

Fx: Opening door

Ellington: You left a forwarding address at the Yard!

Seagoon: Curse, it's the little things that give you away.

Grytpype Thynne: Well, they won't take me. Get to that window.

Fx: Five gun shots

Seagoon: And so started the siege of Sydney Street. Next day, the police called in the army.

Grams: Sounds of a gun battle

Fx: Door knocks and the door opening

Willium:'Scuse me, sir

Seagoon: Yes, constable?

Willium:Is that your car in the street?

Seagoon: Yes

Willium:You'll have to put some lights on it, mate. It's dusk, you know?

Seagoon: Right-oh.

Willium:I say. All right for bullets, are ya?

Seagoon: Yes, thank you.

Willium:Right, keep the old head down, then. Cheerio, mate.

Fx: Closing door

Grams: The gun battle continues…

Grytpype Thynne: Ellington? Take off your police uniform, I want you to join us for the next gag.

Ellington:Right.

Grytpype Thynne: It's getting dark and I'd like you to keep guard, so go outside that door and don't come back here 'til dawn.

Ellington:Right.

Fx: A door opens and closes

Grams: The gun battle continues…

Fx: A door opens

Ellington: Morning, everybody!

Seagoon: It's no good, Grytpype! We've got to get out of here tonight.

Grytpype Thynne: Why?

Seagoon: The rent's due tomorrow.

Bluebottle: Stop in the name of the law!

Seagoon: Well, look who it is. If it isn't: Bluebottle!

Grams: Loud cheering

Bluebottle: Stooooop! Thank you, Dad. Second entrance, siege of Sydeney Street. Time: two hours later. Starts to act: If you don't come out by the time I count ten, I will throw a bomb up in to your window. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…

Seagoon: Give us a chance to get out!

Bluebottle: No, I want you to know what it feels like to be deaded every week. Tee-hee-hee! 7, 8, 9, 10. Hup! Ooh, I missed.

Greenslade: It's fairly widely known that an object thrown high into the air is forced by circumstances beyond our control to return to earth, therefore…

Grams: A large explosion with debris falling

Bluebottle: You rotten swines, you! You have - no, wait a minute. Feels both knee-caps. Sees feet in usual position. I'm not deaded this week! Tee-hee-hee! Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky lad.

Greenslade: You little fool!

Bluebottle: No!

Greenslade: You've gone and deaded the cast and now we can't do the end.

Bluebottle: Oh. How does it end, Mr. Greenslends?

Greenslade: Oh, I… I… I don't care at all Actually, we had a beautiful dramatic ending where the long man of Wilmington came forward of his Arab coloured chart and Mr. Grytpype-Thynne redeemed himself in the eyes of the singing dervish.

Bluebottle: Oh. Can't we act it?

Greenslade: Oh, don't be absurd. What can two of us possibly do?

Orchestra: Tea dance music

Bluebottle: Do you come here often?

Greenslade: Only during the mating season.

Bluebottle: Yee-hee-hee!

Orchestra: End theme

Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.

Orchestra: Crazy Rhythm outro

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Original Transcription by Kurt