View source for The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street (Transcription)

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The Goon Show: [[The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street]] (Series 5, Episode 23)
<div style="color: blue; font-style: oblique; font-size: 9pt;">(Ted Kendall remastered version)</div>

by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes

{| class="wikitable"</div>
|-
! Actor !! Text Colour</div>
|-
| Wallace Greenslade || style="background-color: #008000;"|
|-
| Peter Sellers || style="background-color: #0000FF;" |
|-
| Spike Milligan || style="background-color: #CC0066;"|
|-
| Harry Secombe || style="background-color: #800080;"|
|-
| Ray Ellington || style="background-color: #000000;"|
|-
| Max Geldray || style="background-color: #800080;"|
|-
| Grams || style="background-color: #800000;"|
|-
| FX || style="background-color: #800000;"|
|-
| Guest || style="background-color: #000099;"|
|}
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span>This is the BBC. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Oh, dear. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> This is Wallace Greenslade speaking with a few handy hints for new radio listeners. If at any time during the following half hour you should hear this sound… </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR HANDLE TURNED </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> It means that someone has opened a door. And should you hear this… </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR HANDLE TURNED 
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Secomb:</span> (WHINY VOICE) Hello. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> It means the picture we're trying to convey is that someone has entered the room and… </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Secomb:</span> Good-bye! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR SLAMS </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> This not only means that he has left, but is also the signal for applause. And now for a rather tricky one: </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> PISTOL SHOT</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Secomb:</span> Oh, I'm dead! </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> You get the idea? The man was obviously shot but not, as he proclaimed, dead. We are, unfortunately, not allowed to do this and whenever possible we aim for the legs. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> So out with your short cans and take the aim, there. It's time for the highly esteemed… Goon Show! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> CHEERING </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Stooop! (STOPS IMMEDIATELY) Thank you. Greenslade! </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Sir? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Unscrew those astrakhan corsets and give them the old posh chat, there, Wal. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Lindies and jogglepicks, tonight the Goons present 'The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street'. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Orchestra:</span> SINISTER LINK – DRAGNET THEME </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Sellers:</span> Last night, during the hours of March the 10th and Friday, one of the cleverest robberies in the history of crime was carried out in the Bank of England. Among the missing articles were six gold bars, the manager and his assistant. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Orchestra:</span> DRAMATIC LINK; DREAMY HARP MUSIC </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> (SINGS) April in Pariiis, chestnuts in blossom. (NORMAL) Ah! That was wonderful, Grytpype. Beautiful grapefruit. Seven lovely golden eggs. Delicious crisp bacon. The type we had before the war.</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Of course.</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Then there was that toast, wonderful! And that exquuuisite cask of coffee. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Why can't you wait? We shall be having breakfast in a moment. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> I never eat breakfast. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Well, try some food. By the way, Moriarty, have you seen the newspaper? </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Yes. I saw it last week, I think. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Well, with my usual contempt for money, I bought a new one this morning. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> But why? We still have two pages of the old one left! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> As an ex-bank manager I must keep abreast of the times, you understand. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> What new trickery is this? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> And according to this paper, it credits us with having taken six bars of gold. You told me you'd only managed to get five. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> (COUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) I must have miscounted, yes. (PLACES THE BARS ON THE TABLE AS HE COUNTS THEM) 1, 2, 3, 4 and une is fünf. You see… you see, I was right. Five bars of gold.  </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> This little revolver of mine says six! </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> What? Supristi-yacka-backakas! Are you going to take the word of a little revolver against mine? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Six bars of gold!</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Five!</div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> PISTOL SHOT </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Ah! Supristi-perpendicular! I… You realise, man, I would have been killed if that bullet hadn't struck that gold bar in my vest pocket? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> I must practice. I aimed for your foot. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Oh, yes. And talking of feet, we must smuggle this gold out of the country before the police get on to our tracks. The question is… how? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Perfectly simple. The gold will be made into musical instruments and then a very new two-piece brass band will leave on a world tour. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Oh, c'est brilliant! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> RAPID KNOCKING ON THE DOOR </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Quick, hide these five bars of gold.</div> 
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Six! </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Yes, six. Voila, entréz! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Good morning, gentlemen. My name is Detective Inspector Ned Seagoon.</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Nom de nom, yacka-backaka. Someone has blundered. Inspector, last night at the time of the Bank of England robbery, I was at a reunion dinner in Manchester. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> While I… was in South America.</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> I can prove that, I was with him. I tell you we know nothing at all about the five bars of gold. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Six! </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> That's right, three each. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> I don't wish to know that. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Then what do you wish to know? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> (WHINY VOICE) I'm collecting for the police ball. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Good heavens! Oh, well, why didn't you say so at first? Moriarty, my dear chap, cut him down. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> ROPE BEING CUT, THUD </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Oh! Thank you. Now, if you wouldn't mind, er… donating a small… er… </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Here's a shilling, Inspector. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Thank you very much. It'll be a Grand Ball you know? Grand Ball.</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Yes?</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> I'm the MC.</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Oh.</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> I'll have a big Rosette with MC on it, you know?</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Mm-hmm.</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> I'll get them going. (GETTING EXCITED AND LAUGHING) "The next dance will be the St. Bernard waltz!" (HUMS A WALTZ) "Keep moving, there". I can just see me. "No jiving in the middle! Clear the floor! Take your partners for the Loving Waltz". (SINGS THE WALTZ) When you are in love, it's the loveliest night of the year... </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Greenslade? </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> May I? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Yes. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> You silly twisted boy, you! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> KNOCKS ON THE DOOR </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Come in. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Well, if it isn't a police sergeant! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> WILD CHEERS</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Stop! (STOPS IMMEDIATELY) </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Throat:</span>: A message. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> For me? </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Throat:</span>: Yes.</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Good! </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Throat:</span>: Right. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR CLOSES </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Don't be late for choir practice! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> What's the message? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Yes. This is going to be tricky. It's in writing. Good Lord! There's been a robbery at the Bank of England. (LAUGHING TO HIMSELF) They won't get far (LAUGHING TO HIMSELF) All the ports are watched, you know? All the ports are watched. No one will be able to leave the country without Inspector Ned's approval, you know? Ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll take the case here. I'll start at the Bank and trace them from there. I'll catch 'em. Then… then when I'm MC'ing at the Ball, they'll point me out and say "That's him! A-ha, ha, ha! That's the man that caught the Bank of England robbers. That's him!" (FADES AWAY) </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Moriarty? Moriarty? This is the Charlie that's going to see us through the police cordon. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> How? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> I'll explain. Go in to that room and put on the things cos I want to tell you… (FADES OUT)</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Right, right. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Ah, a grand job! Then they'll offer me the Chief Constabulary. And a medal. And when I get to the Palace, I'll go right up and I'll say… </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Neddie, I was… By Jove! You've got an interesting hand. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Ha, ha, it's nothing, it's… just a continuation of the arm, really.</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Do you know, Madame Freda would love to read your hand. And luckily she is in this room here. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> (As Madam Freda) Ahh! A client! Please sit down. Ah! I see by your hand that you are a policeman. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> How can you tell? </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> You're holding a truncheon. And yes! Yes! You have a very strong head-line. And, oh! And what's this lump? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> My elbow. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> It is a lumpy one. Now, let me see. Ah, yes, yes, you are a great band leader! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> No! Oh, really? (LAUGHS TO HIMSELF) I have great talent, you know. And I know all about music and I'm very, very musical, really I am. I'm MC at the police ball and… and… and… You know, you're absolutely marvellous, you really are. (LAUGHS TO HIMSELF)</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Now listen, Charlie. Listen, little Charlie. Now, if ever you are offered a job as a band leader with the opportunity to travel abroad… take it. You are a brilliant musician. Now close the door and good day. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR CLOSES </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> You know, she's very good, she's absolutely first class. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Ah, Neddie. Neddie? Do you know a band leader who could take a two-piece band abroad? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Band leader?</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Do you know one? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Well I… </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Sign here, please. We leave as soon as the instruments are ready. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Done. I'll just clean up the gold robbery then I'll be back. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Wonderful, wonderful. Before you go… maestro. Would you like to conduct Max Geldray? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Oh, heaven! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Good. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> All together chaps! </div>

<hr align="LEFT" size="3" width="50%"></div>
<div class="Geldray"><span class="Bold">Max Geldray</span> ''The Cat From Goose Bay''</div></div>
<hr align="LEFT" size="3" width="50%"></div>

<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> The Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street Part 2, or the Two Ingots of Leadenhall Street Part 6, whichever you like, I don't care. Mr. Grytpype-Thynne has sent Herr Moriarty with the six gold bars to a smelting shop. And now they're about to be melted down. Good-bye. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> CHEMICALS BUBBLING </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> Mnk... Steady does it, Minnie. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Errrr, steady does it, Henry. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> Ah, yes... </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Ah, yes... </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> Into the saxophone mould, Minnie. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Ooh, aaah! How's that, Henry? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> No, no, not you, Minnie, the gold bars. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that, Henry. I'll get out now. Oh, dear. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> PHONE RINGS </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> There's the phone, Henry. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> What? </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> The talking telephone.</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> I'll get it, baby. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Okay, buddy. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> PICKS UP THE PHONE </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> Hello? Oh, yes, Mr. Grytpype-Thynne, yes? Yes, Count Moriarty delivered the five bars of gold. What? Well, he only gave me five. Good-bye. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Who was that on the phone, Henry?</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> It was me, Minnie. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> I thought I recognised the voice. What? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> There's no honour among thieves. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> You can't get the wood, you know. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> No. I told him that Moriarty only left four bars. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Four? Oh. Henry, naughty! You said five, buddy! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> Oh, no, no, no. No, it was four, Min. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Oh, no, no, no, Henry, it was five. Count Moriarty put five bars of gold on the counter, buddy! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> No, no, you're being silly, Min. It was definitely four.</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Oh, Henry, you're... </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> I can count as well as the next man, Minnie. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> You're trying to double-cross me, buddy! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> Diddle-piddle-poo, I… No, no, don't you say that I'm doublecrossing you! </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun & Minnie Bannister:</span> (ARGUE OVER ONE ANOTHER, MOULDS IN TO..)</div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> BATTLE SOUNDS, TRUMPETS, WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE, MORE BATTLE SOUNDS, QUIETENS DOWN TO ODD THINGS CRASHING ALL OVER. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> I love you, Henry! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> I love you, Minnie!</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> You mad…</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Henry Crun:</span> You mad, naughty… </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR KNOCK </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Minnie Bannister:</span> Come in! </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Pardon me. Meanwhile at Scotland Yard, inspector Ned Seagoon was completely baffled. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR CLOSES</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Yes. After ceaseless questioning and reading several newspapers, I discovered that it was the Bank of England which had been robbed. Then I got a summons from my chief. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Orchestra:</span> BLOODNOK THEME </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bloodnok:</span> Ohhh, Seagoon! Now listen very, very carefully. I have personally promised the Home Secretary I shall have an arrest within the week. Will you help me? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Scouts honour! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bloodnok:</span> Splendid, splendid. Yes! Now, just put on this prisoner’s uniform.</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Right. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bloodnok:</span> Good, good, good, good. Now, this three day’s growth of beard. Splendid, splendid. Now, just sign this confession. Excellent, lad, excellent! Now, hold these six imitation gold bars. Got them? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Yes. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bloodnok:</span> Right, wonderful. Now, wait here. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS, SHUTS, PAUSE, THEN OPENS AGAIN </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bloodnok:</span> Sergeant! Arrest that man! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Wait! Wait! Major Bloodnok, I… I dressed up to help you! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bloodnok:</span> A likely story. Take him away Sergeant, take him away! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> I won't do it, I won't! I'll hide away. You'll never find me! Good-bye!</div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> WHOOSH, DOOR SHUTS, HUGE CHEERS </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Moriarty:</span> Stop! (STOPS IMMEDIATELY) </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Owing to the fact that Ned Seagoon is hurrying around to Mr. Grytpype-Thynne's, he's asked me to say "Thank You". </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> KNOCKS ON DOOR </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Come in. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Well, if it isn't inspector Ned Seagoon! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> HUGE CHEERS </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Thank you. Thank you. (CHEERING STOPS) Thank you. Mr. Thynne, you must help me. The police will be after me soon. They want me to take the blame for the gold robbery. You must hide me! Tell them on the night of the robbery I was with you in Aberdeen! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> You trying to make me dishonest? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> But I'm innocent, I tell you, I'm innocent! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> KNOCKS ON DOOR </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Oh, this may be the messenger with the go…er… with the heavy brass instruments. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> 'Ello! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Who are you? </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> I'm the famous Eccles. I'm the famous Eccles. And here's the instruments. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Is this all there is? </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Yeah. Would you like me to play it? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Oh, yes please. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Okay. Listen. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> A SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Seagoon & Eccles:</span> (THEY LAUGH)</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Did you hear that?</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Very good!</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Did you… did you hear me…? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Let me try, let me try, let me try. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> A SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Seagoon & Eccles:</span> Ha ha! Isn't it good? Isn't it?</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Here, here, let me try. Now watch this. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> SOME VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TINGS </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Seagoon & Eccles:</span> Ha ha! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> It's my turn again, all right, listen, listen. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> SOME VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TINGS</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Seagoon & Eccles:</span> Ha ha! </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Here, let me. Oh, it's good to be alive! Here, now, give me it, I'll do it again. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> All right, all right, that's enough. Now, give that to me. There. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> A SINGLE NOT-SO-SMALL TRIANGLE TING </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Seagoon & Eccles:</span> Ha ha! You're the best, Mr. Thynne! You're the best... </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> He's good, he's good. You a conservative? Eh? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> One moment, one moment. There's some discrepancy here. Six gold bars go to the melting works. One gold triangle comes back. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Oooh! Gold? Gold? Ooh, let's hear it again! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> A SINGLE VERY SMALL TRIANGLE TING</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> That's rich! Here, I'll tell you what. You go in the room and see how it sounds in there. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Oh, yes, yes. Come along, Mr. Thynne.</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Yes.</div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> This is going to be fun! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Yes, yes.</div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR CLOSES </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> We'll have to listen very carefully, you know. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Yes. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> (OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR) Are you ready? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Seagoon & Grytpype Thynne:</span> Yes. </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Listen. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> LIGHTLY DOOR OPENED AND SHUT </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Hm. I don't think that was it. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> No, sounded more like a door closing. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Door closing!?</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Don't worry, he can't get far, I've got the… </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Hello? </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">French Operator:</span>:Personal call from Paris. You're through caller.</div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> (OTHER END OF PHONE) Hallo? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Yes? </div>
<div class="Milligan"><span class="Bold">Eccles:</span> Listen! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> A SINGLE TRIANGLE TING </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Curses. Well, we still have Ray Ellington. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> That's no compensation. </div>

<hr align="LEFT" size="3" width="50%"></div>
<div class="Ellington"><span class="Bold">Ray Ellington Quartet</span> ''[[Mr. Sandman]]'' & ''[[I Ain't Got Nobody]]''</div>
<hr align="LEFT" size="3" width="50%"></div>

<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Why, if it isn't The Six Gold Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 4, or The Four Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 6, whichever you like, I don't care. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> POLICE BELLS AND DRIVING RADIO OPERATOR: Calling all cars. Car number 40?</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Sellers:</span> Roger. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Radio Operator:</span>  Car 41. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Sellers:</span> Roger. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Radio Operator:</span>  Car 42.</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Sellers:</span> Fred. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Radio Operator:</span>  Car 43? Car 43? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> (OTHER END OF RADIO) Tee-hee-hee! </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Radio Operator:</span>  Car 43? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> I'm not telling you! So enters Fabian Bluebottles of the Yard. I'm out to bring in Neddie Seagoon, dead or alive. Nee-hee. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Radio Operator:</span>  Are you car 43? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> Before I tell you, here are my special terms what you got to agree to. I must not be nutted. I must not be blowed up. And I must be at the front if there's any sausinges. Signed, Bluenbottlen. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Radio Operator:</span>  Very well. Now, are you car number 43? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> No, nee-hee-hee! Do you know what I am?</div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Radio Operator:</span> What?</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> I'm cardboard bicycle number 1. Tee-hee-hee! Peddles off towards Sydney Street where my cap-i-tain is hiding. </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Yes. As I peeped through the lace windows of my overcoat, I saw the police were looking for us. Ha ha ha, but they'll never find us here. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Silly boy, where else can they find us?</div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> KNOCKS ON DOOR </div>
<div class="Ellington"><span class="Bold">Ellington:</span> Hey, open up! Open up in the name of the law! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> How did they know I was here? </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS </div>
<div class="Ellington"><span class="Bold">Ellington:</span> You left a forwarding address at the Yard! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Curse, it's the little things that give you away. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Well, they won't take me. Get to that window. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> FIVE PISTOL SHOTS </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> And so started the siege of Sydney Street. Next day, the police called in the army. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> GUN BATTLE </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Willium:</span>'Scuse me, sir </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Yes, constable? </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Willium:</span>Is that your car in the street? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Yes</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Willium:</span>You'll have to put some lights on it, mate. It's dusk, you know? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Right-oh. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Willium:</span>I say. All right for bullets, are ya? </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Yes, thank you. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Willium:</span>Right, keep the old head down, then. Cheerio, mate. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR CLOSES </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> GUN BATTLE CONTINUE </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Ellington? Take off your police uniform, I want you to join us for the next gag. </div>
<div class="Ellington"><span class="Bold">Ellington:</span>Right. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> It's getting dark and I'd like you to keep guard, so go outside that door and don't come back here 'til dawn.</div>
<div class="Ellington"><span class="Bold">Ellington:</span>Right. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS, SHUTS </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> GUN BATTLE CONTINUES </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Fx:</span> DOOR OPENS</div>
<div class="Ellington"><span class="Bold">Ellington:</span>Morning, everybody! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> It's no good, Grytpype! We've got to get out of here tonight. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Grytpype Thynne:</span> Why? <div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> The rent's due tomorrow. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> Stop in the name of the law! </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Well, look who it is. If it isn't: Bluebottle! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> HUGE CHEERS </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> Stooooop! (STOPS IMMEDIATELY) Thank you, Dad. Second entrance, siege of Sydeney Street. Time: two hours later. Starts to act: If you don't come out by the time I count ten, I will throw a bomb up in to your window. (VERY FAST) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… </div>
<div class="Secombe"><span class="Bold">Seagoon:</span> Give us a chance to get out! </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> No, I want you to know what it feels like to be deaded every week. Tee-hee-hee! 7, 8, 9, 10. Hup! Ooh, I missed.</div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> It's fairly widely known that an object thrown high into the air is forced by circumstances beyond our control to return to earth, therefore… </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Grams:</span> HUGE EXPLOSION, BITS AND PIECES HIT GROUND </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> You rotten swines, you! You have - no, wait a minute. Feels both knee-caps. Sees feet in usual position. I'm not deaded this week! Tee-hee-hee! Thinks: I'm a happy-go-lucky lad. </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> You little fool!</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> No!</div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> You've gone and deaded the cast and now we can't do the end. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> Oh. How does it end, Mr. Greenslends? </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Oh, I… I… I don't care at all Actually, we had a beautiful dramatic ending where the long man of Wilmington came forward of his Arab coloured chart and Mr. Grytpype-Thynne redeemed himself in the eyes of the singing dervish. </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> Oh. Can't we act it? </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Oh, don't be absurd. What can two of us possibly do? </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Orchestra:</span> TEA-TIME MUSIC </div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> Do you come here often? </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> Only during the mating season.</div>
<div class="Sellers"><span class="Bold">Bluebottle:</span> Yee-hee-hee! </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Orchestra:</span> END THEME </div>
<div class="Greenslade"><span class="Bold">Greenslade:</span> That was the Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton. </div>
<div class="Grams"><span class="Bold">Orchestra:</span> ‘CRAZY RHYTHM’ OUTRO</div>
==Notes:==
The Seige of Sydney Street was a real siege that took place in London, 1911. Three jewel thieves killed a number of policemen during a robbery. Two weeks later a Mrs. Gershwin of 100 Sidney Street reported to the police that three men matching the description of those wanted had hired a room at her house. The men, sensing they had been betrayed, deprived the landlady of her skirt and boots on the assumption that no religious Jewess would attempt to escape not properly attired. She did. The next day the police surrounded the house. A gun battle ensued and the men refused to surrender. Troops from the Tower of London were called in and then the Home Secretary (Winston Churchill) summoned the Scots Guards in full battle regalia. After 6 hours the house was alight. The charred bodies of 2 men were recovered. The third man was never found.</div>


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Original Transcription by Kurt

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{{DEFAULTSORT:Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street (Transcription), The}}
[[Category:Goon Show transcripts]]