The White Box of Great Bardfield (Ted Kendall remastered version)
Written by Spike Milligan & Eric Sykes
Series 5 Episode 25, Broadcast 15th March 1955
Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service. [strained] And I'm getting fed up saying it. I am, really I am...
Secombe: Steady Mr Greenslade... Wallace, Wallace control yourself. Heheheh. Stand by to hear those two sons of filth. Fred Socrates and partner.
Orchestra: Variety theatre intro
Fred Socrates (Sellers): Thank you, thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. And now a little monologue entitled "the Canterbury Bells won't ring tonight, the old Dean's dropped another clanger!"
Fred Socrates: [backstage] It was Christmas night in the workhouse...
Milligan: (over top of Fred) I say, I say. I say, I say, I say...
Fred Socrates: You rude man, will you kindly not interrupt my act when I'm entertaining these nice ladies and gentlemen?
Milligan: I say, can you tell me what is it that has eight wheels and flies?
Fred Socrates: What is it that has eight wheels and flies?
Milligan: Yes what is it that has eight wheels and flies?
Fred Socrates: I don't know. What is it that has eight wheels and flies?
Milligan: Two corporation dust carts. Thank you!
Fred Socrates: I don't wish to know that!
Fred: and Spike: [singing] That's why we're arm in arm together. Just like we used to do (be)...
Orchestra: Punchline fanfare.
Secombe: And so ends a farewell tribute to Kenneth Adam from his dear friends in the highly esteemed Goon Show.
Grams: Flute playing snake charming tune.
Secombe: London nineteen hundred and one. That was a good year for England. Well we'd have looked silly with out it wouldn't we. Ha Ha Ha! I remember one lunch hour... I was stalking a pigeon in Trafalgar Square... When suddenly in my driving mirror I observed a large crowd of women gathered around a very tall Scotsman.
Cast: Whoooooooooo!
Secombe: He spoke.
Cast: babbling in background
Ray Ellington: Ma friends, ma friends. I will pay ten shillings to any man who can escape from these chains.
Secombe: Ten shillings?
Grams: Whoooosh.
Secombe: I accept the challenge Ginger!
Ray Ellington: Right! Put yer hands behind yer back...
Fx: Chains rattling
Ray Ellington: ...now let's see if I can get these chains...
Fx: Chains rattling behind
Seagoon: Fool. Little does he know that these iron chains, leg shackles, hand cuffs and straitjacket can't keep me prisoner for more than a second because, dear listener heheheh, I am none other than Ned Seagoon son of Houdini!
Orchestra: Flat fanfare, cymbal crash.
Seagoon: Thank yewww! [pause for laugh] Yes, son of Houdini whose book on how to escape I have sewn in the lining of my wig.
Ray Ellington: Right! Right now that's it. Ten shillings if you can get out of that lot.
Seagoon: Money for jam. Heheheh. All I have to do is...
Fx: Chains rattling.
Seagoon: ...flick my wrists so. [struggling] Raise my elbow above my nose. Urghh, I'll be free in a second. Haha, nothing can hold me. Me, son of Houdini.
Orchestra: Flat fanfare, cymbal crash.
Seagoon: Thank you. [puffing] Now I raise my right knee and place it under... Yes... I'll be free in a second. [fades out]
Grams: Big Ben chiming for what seems like an age (12 chimes)
Fx: Chains rattling.
Seagoon: Now [struggling and puffing] I'll just get my left foot under my right arm. I'll be free in a second.
Ray Ellington: Man you said that thirteen hours ago.
Seagoon: I'm just teasing you.
Ray Ellington: Well I'm just going home.
Seagoon: Oh no you don't. Have that ten shillings ready. I'll be free in trice. Hahahah. Remember, nothing can hold Ned, son of Houdini.
Orchestra: Flat fanfare, cymbal crash.
Seagoon: Thank you. [struggling] urghhh! Now I just stand on my head and slip my waist over my knees. Ohhrrgggg. Ahhh, watch the ol' tenor's friend there...ah! I, I'll get free if I go black in the face.
Ray Ellington: Man! That's how I got free!
Seagoon: Towards dawn he left me. Then...
Moriarty: hawwwwwww, [sings] April in Paris. Chesnuts in blossom. Hor-hor, what is this chain covered charlie in the gutter?
Seagoon: The Stranger was a tall hairy man wearing reversible Jewish socks and an explodable sporran.
Moriarty: Hotchhh aye mon ami. 'Tis a braw brucked moonlick nick this night.
Seagoon: A Scotsman by jove. He approached with his kilt at high port.
Moriarty: Hotchhh aye.
Seagoon: Hotchhh aye to be sure. Who are you?
Moriarty: Allow me.
Seagoon: The Stranger stepped back. Raised the tail of his shirt. And revealed a centrally heated brass name plate. [pause for laughs] By the side was a bell.
Fx: Door bell rings. Door handle rattles open.
Moriarty: Sapristi nyackos it's you again. Come in.
Seagoon: Thank you.
Fx: Dragging chains. Door shuts.
Moriarty: Here! Let me take your wet kilt.
Fx: Material ripping.
Seagoon: Whoop! Thanks. N-Now if I could just get me left leg over my...
Moriarty: Not now.
Seagoon: Oh.
Moriarty: First you must meet my partner.
Seagoon: The Stranger pressed a button in his trousers. A bookcase swung back revealing a plastic mule rest. From it he took out a volume. Rapidly he turned to page nine. On it was a drawing of a door marked Scotland. He knocked.
Fx: Knuckles rapping on door.
Grams: Speeded up bagpipe music.
Grytpype: Otch oye, otch oye.
Seagoon: Otch oye
Grytpype: Ahh, come in gentlemen. Oh here Neddy, let me take your kilt.
Fx: Ripping material.
Seagoon: Whoop! [campily] Thank you. My it is draughty.
Grytpype: Have a bagpipe.
Seagoon: No thanks I'm religious. Now I'll get my left leg under the...
Grams: Tiger growling.
Seagoon: Gulp. A tiger?
Grytpype: Yes.
Seagoon: Don't let it come near me.
Grytpype: Why not?
Seagoon: I've got flu.
Grytpype: Down Pussy. Put the little man down.
Seagoon: Why is that tiger wearing brown boots?
Grytpype: His black ones are at the menders. Here. Have a fresh kilt.
Fx: Material ripping.
Seagoon: Whoop! Thank you. Now excuse me, I must get out of these chains. Errrr urghhh. They can't hold me, Son of Houdini.
Orchestra: Flat fanfare and cymbal crash.
Fx: Chains
Seagoon: Right! Now I'll just get my leg over my right shoulder... Urghh... Rotate my ankles in circles... Bend my head under my glasses... Burghhh... Space my arms round my waist, up my back, under my chin. At the same time bend my legs up under the base of my skull... Eurghhh... Eurgghhh.... [puffing]There how's that?
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy. Neddy? Stop playing that leather euphonium and answer me. Why are you keeping us prisoners here?
Seagoon: What?
Grytpype: A likely story.
Seagoon: It's the truth.
Grams: Tiger growls.
Seagoon: Keep away from that tiger.
Grytpype: Why?
Seagoon: It's got flu! And no wonder in this weather. Just look at the snow out of the window.
Grytpype: Yes, it's a pity it's going to waste.
Moriarty: Do you realise Seagoon, that the Sudanese have never seen snow?
Grytpype: Just think Neddy. You could be the man to hold the first exhibition of British snow in Khartoum. You'd make a fortune.
Seagoon: Really? But I don't own any snow.
Grytpype: Morarrty, the bill of sale.
Grams: Whoosh
Grytpype: Sign there would you my dear.
Grams: Scribbling on parchment.
Grytpype: There. That gives you possession of all the snow in England.
Seagoon: Hooray! I'll take it to the Sudan and make my fortune, but first...
Fx: Chains rattling
Seagoon: ...I'll just get this left leg over here... And the right leg over... Earrlp!
Greenslade: While Mr Seagoon is in the second day of his lightning escape act we see approaching the French coast, a celluloid lift containing a harmonica player with a ginger glass eye. Max Geldray
Max Geldray - 'Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White'
Greenslade: The White Box of Great Bardfield part two, and I'm surprised it's got this far.
Seagoon: Having spent all my life savings on buying all the snow in England I realised that I had cornered the world market. Next I contacted England's greatest and only snow packer.
Fx: Hammering and nailing over...
Henry Crun: Mnk mnk mnk Ohhhhh, [repeated for several seconds]
Fx: Knocking on a wooden door over...
Minnie Bannister: oh oh ohhhhhh. We'll all be murdered in our beds.
Henry Crun: It's alright I can't get the wood you....
Fx: Door knob rattling and door opening.
Seagoon: Good morning.
Henry Crun: You can't come in.
Seagoon: And why not?
Henry Crun: Our tiger's got flu.
Seagoon: I don't wish to catch that.
Henry Crun: Ohhhhh?
Seagoon: Mr Crun? I want to transport one hundred tons of snow to the Sudan.
Henry Crun: Woaoh, ohhhh.
Seagoon: I understand that you are skilled in this dying craft.
Henry Crun: Yes, mnk mnk. You can't get the wood you know.
Seagoon: Can't you?
Henry Crun: No, no. You can't get it at all. Do you know Molly Nasher?
Seagoon: No why?
Henry Crun: She can't get the wood either. You can't get it you know, you, you, you, it...
Minnie Bannister: We'll all be murdered in our beds I tell you...
Seagoon: Yes, yes, now, now Mr Crun please.
Henry Crun: Yes?
Seagoon: Will you accept the task of transporting my snow to Khartoum?
Henry Crun: Khartoum?
Seagoon: Yes.
Henry Crun: Poor, poor, poor old Jim Tigernuts.
Seagoon: Jim Tigernuts? What about him?
Henry Crun: He couldn't get the wood either. He had to put 'em in cardboard boxes.
Seagoon: What was he?
Henry Crun: An Undertaker you know.
Seagoon: I don't wish to know that.
Fx: Door opening.
Henry Crun: Ohhhhh.
Minnie Bannister: [singing] Yom pom piddle...
Grams: Tiger growling over...
Minnie Bannister: Yom pom piddle pee...
Henry Crun: Minnie? Stop that modern crazy rhythm singing. You, you, you sinful woman.
Minnie Bannister: Ahhhh, you're a square buddy! You're corny.
Henry Crun: Never you mind about who's corny you put that tiger down.
Minnie Bannister: This, this tiger's not well buddy. He's got flu.
Henry Crun: Never you mind buddy.
Henry Crun: and Minnie Bannister: [arguing] Buddy...
Minnie Bannister: You'll have us all murdered in our beds...
Henry Crun: Why don't you want the wood you know...?
Grams: Tiger growling over...
Henry Crun: and Minnie Bannister: [arguing] ...
Henry Crun: It's no good trying to tell me whether I'm old and square. I can get the... I... Hnk, mnk, mnk... ohhhh... Minnie? Minnie? Oh dear. Where have you gone? Ohhh.
Grams: Tiger growling
Henry Crun: Fido. Good, good tiger. Oh dear open your mouth... Min? Are you down there?
Minnie Bannister: [faintly] Yes, I'm just going to bed.
Henry Crun: Come out of there. Tigers aren't meant to be slept in you know. You mustn't... Come out at once, I'm...
Seagoon: Stop this madness. Mr Crun...
Henry Crun: You can't get the wood you know...
Seagoon: I understand that. Mr Crun, I'm going down to the docks to commandeer a ship. I want all my snow boxed and crated and delivered to the quay tomorrow.
Henry Crun: Poor tiger. He's got the flu you know...
Minnie Bannister: We'll all be murdered in our tigers!
Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen. A word to listeners who may have been perplexed by the recurring appearance of a tiger with influenza. The RSPCA have asked me to point out that on no account would they permit the employment of a tiger in a poor state of health. The tiger appearing on this programme has not got flu, but is just acting the part of a tiger with flu. Snow on high ground, rain in places, part three we join Seagoon at the docks.
Fx: Chains rattling.
Seagoon: Hrghhhh. I'll just get my left elbow under the right armpit and I'll be, I'll be free in a second.
Grams: Tiger growling.
Seagoon: What's that? Who owns this tiger?
Eccles: Hallowwww!
Seagoon: I found myself looking into the face of a ragged idiot wearing a tin souwester, carrying a flannel anchor and leading a tiger.
Eccles: You know? He's got flu.
Seagoon: Wait. Why is that tiger wearing brown boots?
Eccles: His black ones are at the menders.
Seagoon: No, what I mean is why does a tiger wear boots?
Eccles: Well, it's lucky.
Seagoon: Why?
Eccles: What other tiger's got two pairs of boots to wear? Anyhow, he's got flu an'...
Seagoon: I don't wish to know that. Let me tell you, you are speaking to the Son of Howdini.
Orchestra: Flat fanfare and cymbal crash.
Seagoon: Thang yew! Now long lad tell me, where can I hire a ship to take me to Africa?
Eccles: Ahhhh. Where can you hire a ship to take you to Africa? Hm hmm. Yah, let me see. There's umm... I know some fellas. I could, I could... I could um, I got em all um... I know these fellas, yup... uhhhmmm... Let me see... Jim Cronger, nope, no not 'im nope. He can't get the wood ya know that fella. Uhmmm... Anudder fella... There's uhmm... Ahhh, ooohhh, ooohhh, ooohh. Um, yeah there's a fellow in Deptford, no hang on, not hit, not him... This shouldn't be difficult you know, it shouldn't be difficult. I, I got quite a few fellas in dummm, let me think now ummm. Ummmm. What was the question again?
Seagoon: You idiot Eccles!
Eccles: You idiot Eccles!
Seagoon: I want a ship with supplies.
Eccles: Orrrr supplies oohh. How about milk?
Seagoon: Yes I suppose I'll need some?
Eccles: Oh good. 'Cos me and my partner are in the milk business.
Seagoon: Who's your partner?
Eccles: A cow! Har har har har!
Fx: Bang
Grams: Funeral dirge.
Seagoon: Alas poor Eccles I knew him well. Right! Now has anyone here got a ship for hire?
Bluebottle: Yes I have! [pause for cheers] Enter Blunebottles. Sticks head through porthole, cops dirty big bosun's spanner on nut. Splun! Ooer I don't like this game.
Seagoon: Tell me more little heavily pimpled stranger.
Bluebottle: Do you want a ship? I have a ship. A proud ship. Thinks. I have a ship, a proud ship.
Seagoon: Where is it little Nelson?
Bluebottle: Here it is! Springs forward onto deck of proud ship.
Fx: Thump.
Bluebottle: Springe! This is my rocket ship. See, I will demonstrate its power to you. I stand on the deck and light the rocket fuse so.
Grams: Rocket explosion
Bluebottle: There it goes.
Seagoon: Why aren't you on it?
Bluebottle: Because.... Hmmm, the ship has gone. Thinks. Then what is Bluebottle standing on?
Grams: Object falling into water.
Bluebottle: Oyyyy. I'm drownded in the deaded water. Look! All the silver paper's come off my cardboard cutlass. My best trousers is wetted. This means I'll have to wear Mum's old drawers while they dry. Heeheeheee! Exits left to hear Ray Ellington's Quntend.
Ray Ellington - 'Sally'
Greenslade: We come now to the great day when Ned Seagoon arrived at Port Sudan with the four hundred boxes for the first great exhibition of British snow in the Sudan. At the quayside Major Denis Bloodnok, conman and bar.
Bloodnok: All lies do you hear me, all lies. I swear on my convicts uniform. Now Neddy, you've err brought the snow?
Seagoon: Yes, a hundred tons.
Bloodnok: Bravo for the old country. What's its name again?
Seagoon: Fred!
Bloodnok: That's it. Long live Fred. Now into this sack and I'll take you to the great exhibition hall.
Grams: Whoosh-sh!
Bloodnok: Here we are.
Cast: Pseudo African vocal activity in background.
Bloodnok: Thank you, thank you thank you. Yes... Now ladies, gentlemen and wogs. Mr Ned Seagoon will now cut the ribbon on the first box of British snow.
Cast: Excited mutterings.
Bloodnok: Abdul, Abdul. The scissors?
Abdul: I can't get the safe open hooray.
Bloodnok: Safe? What are the scissors doing in the safe?
Abdul: Scissors are made of gold.
Bloodnok: Gold!
Abdul: Hooray.
Bloodnok: Uk-kuk. Steady Denis! [clears throat] You can't get the safe open you say? Well, let's see if old Denis can do it eh? Heheheheh, yes now. Just put on me running shoes. Now how wide's this safe? Three foot eh? You wogs there, clear a lane three foot wide from here to the door. Now before I open the safe... So that no-one will know my secret methods... Will you all close your eyes. Have you all done that? Splendid, splendid. Now uh...
Fx: Heavy object scraping on the floor.
Grams: Explosion.
Seagoon: What's that? Good heavens, the...
Bloodnok: What's the matter lad?
Seagoon: The safe's gone.
Bloodnok: Good heavens can't I turn my back for the moment? Never mind lad, it so happens that by the merest chance I have a pair of golden scissors on me. There, cut the ribbon.
Seagoon: Ladies and gentlemen. Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...
Bloodnok: Yeah, never mind that cut the tape, go on.
Seagoon: I now pronounce the box of British snow open.
Cast: Native mutterings.
Seagoon: Oh no! The snow's gone. The box is full of water.
Bloodnok: Ee gad. The heat of the sun's melted it.
Seagoon: Who stole my snow and put water in its place eh? I'm ruined [sobs].
Bloodnok: What? This water will sell for huge sums to tribesmen living in the Sahara Desert.
Seagoon: Oh? How can I get there?
Bloodnok: Quite simple. By the merest chance..
Seagoon: Yes?
Bloodnok: ...I have outside a hundred camels and provisions for six weeks. They're yours for twenty pounds.
Seagoon: Right! There!
Fx: Till rings up a sale.
Bloodnok: Thank you. Forwarddddddds.
Orchestra: Suspense, desert type link
Cast: [under music] Native mutterings.
Grams: Camel noises.
Seagoon: January the eighth. Nearly there. Very, very excited. Expect to make a fortune selling my cardboard boxes of water to natives.
Bloodnok: Travelled all night to avoid sun.
Eccles: I travelled all day to avoid the moon.
Grytpype: I travelled by train to avoid Eccles.
Seagoon: I travelled by Eccles to avoid the train.
Fx: Chains rattling.
Seagoon: ...get my right fist under my leg. Urugggghhh. Stretch my shake a leg up the mud walled city of El Pong.
Chief Pong: You come my city Pong. My People all pong. Me pong.
Bloodnok: Let me talk to him in his own language. Now! What's your language?
Chief Pong: You watch yours ladies present. Hey! You! You got water in cardboard box for tribe? We need-um water. Me give you money. Here.
Fx: Change (money) chinging.
Seagoon: Oh thank you very much. Where can I keep it all?
Bloodnok: Lad. It just so happens I have here a replica of the safe that was stolen in the Sudan. I'll keep it for you.
Fx: Change (money) chinging.
Bloodnok: Thank you, thank you. Oh, oh and now so that no-one will learn the secret combination of the lock will everybody please close their eyes while I unlock it? Are they closed? Right! Hup!
Grams: Speeding up footsteps running away into the distance.
Seagoon: I never saw him again.
Fx: Chains rattling.
Seagoon: ...now I'll just get my left leg over the...
Chief Pong: Me no wish to know that.
Seagoon: Uurlp.
Chief Pong: Show-um water. Pong people need-um water.
Seagoon: Yes. Right! I'll just open this cardboard box.
Fx: Cardboard ripping.
Chief Pong: Cardboard box empty cor blimey. Only steam.
Moriarty: Curse, curses it's evaporated.
Seagoon: Moriarty?
Moriarty: Yes?
Seagoon: I'm ruined again. Will no-one help me? This Sheik will kill me.
Grams: Whoosh.
Grytpype: Don't worry Neddy. I can come to an 'micible agreement with him.
Seagoon: Oh good.
Grytpype: Oh Sheikh?
Chief Pong: Yeah?
Fx: gunshot.
Grytpype: Just a shallow hole Morarrty. Ah Neddy, I know a place where they'll pay anything for old cardboard boxes.
Seagoon: Where?
Grytpype: England.
Seagoon: What do they want them for?
Grytpype: Well, you see the idea is they pack snow into them and ship them to the Sudan...
Seagoon: No!
Grytpype: ...where the natives have never seen...
Seagoon: No! No, leave me alone. If I...
Fx: Chains rattling.
Seagoon: ...can just get my left leg under my right arm...
Orchestra: Play outro theme.
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show. A recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes. Announcer Wallace Greenslade, and the programme produced by Peter Eton.
Original Transcription and HTML by Kurt Adkins [kurt[@]thegoonshow.co.uk]
Corrections and additions by Tony Wills [goonshow1[@]paradise.net.nz]