The Battle of Spion Kop

Greenslade: This is the BBC Light Programme. Now here is a variation on that. This is THE BBC Light Programme.

Sellers: The old night school's paying off there, Wal,

Secombe: Yer, chat on more on it there Wal lad. Give us a bit more of the posh chat der.

Greenslade: I continue my recital of announcements. The BBC is open to the public on Thursdays and Wednesday afternoons, or, on Wednesday afternoons and Thursdays.

Milligan: Thank you Jim, now here folks is Chief Ellinga Yingtoo to say Thursday in Swahali.

Ray Ellington: Ma ar Ia toola, yarga toola marngo, me ar gar tula Ia margu uta mee! tick arrs fargoola tol dommmmmmmm. What?

Milligan: You see how long the days are in Africa folks. Forward Mr Seaside with your New Year's resolutions.

Seagoon: Thank you. Hello folks, hello folks, it is me folks, folks, it is me! Next year folks I hope to give up 1958 permanently.

Elder Statesman: Ungrateful beast, after 1958 all it's done for you, you discard it like an old boot, I Won't hear it.

Seagoon: Let me warn you hairy sir, of the many dangers and donjers of keeping on old years after it's worn out. Mrs Greenslade's husband will now tell you why.

Greenslade: It was the year 1907 and here is the orchestra to play it.

Orchestra: New years-type musical link. singing in the middle. Sound fx in music. Finishes on a chord.

Seagoon: Ohhhwhatayearthatwas. ..the South African war had broken out and was now in its second year,

Seagoon: Knock knock knock on a door in Africa.

Bloodnok: Knock knock on a door in Africa... Gad, that's the address of my door - come in!

Bloodnok: Ahhh 'effects Ahhh'.

Bloodnok: Of course.

Seagoon: (announcing) Ladies and Gentlemen! The man in the blue corner is Neddie Seagoon.

Seagoon: (normal) Thank you. I'm 5th Lieutenant Seagoon reporting from Sandhurst SW9.

Bloodnok: Oh, sit down on that chair in Africa SE16.

Seagoon: Thank you. I was told to hand this envelope to you with a hand...

Bloodnok: Oh... Pronounced...

Bloodnok: Oh, these are your secret orders.

Bloodnok: Standddddd Attttttt... Ease...

Seagoon: (relief) Oh, that feels much better sir.

Bloodnok: Yes, and it suits you what's more. Now to military matters, of milt. Captain Jampton?

Grams: Mad dash of coconut shells horses hooves very brief, very fast. approaching to foreground.

Hugh Jampton: Ahhh ... sorry I'm late sir, I. .. was quelling a native with ah... quells.

Bloodnok: You'll get the military piano and bar for this, ah... now explain the victorious positions of our defeated troops.

Hugh Jampton: Ah... intelligence ah... has established that the ah... the people attacking us ar.. are... are... the enemy.

Bloodnok: So that's their fiendish game is it?

Seagoon: Gentlemen, do the enemy realise that you have this information?

Bloodnok: Oh no, we got 'em fooled, they think that we're the enemy.

Hugh Jampton: Ha ha ha, yes you see Lieutenant Seagoon we have a plan - a plan of plin and ploof. The South Africans are magnificent fighters, and it's our intention to persuade them to come over to our side.

Seagoon: Then that would finish the war sir!

Hugh Jampton: Oh not Ha ha ha. Oh dearie no!

Seagoon: Then how would you keep it going?

Hugh Jampton: England, my dear sir, is never short of enemies!

Bloodnok: Of course not the waiting room's full of 'em. Now Seagoon, sit down, tell me what's the time back in England?

Bloodnok: Ah... it's nice to hear the old time again... Singhiz?

Bloodnok: Now get out will you! You see, Seagoon, how bad things are! That banana for instance... It's only been eaten once, and look at it!

Seagoon: But sir, back in England they told me all was well.

Bloodnok: Back in England, all is well. It's here where the trouble lies.

Bloodnok: (over above) Oh - what the - eh - what?

Grams: Approach of old car back firing. Grinding of gear. Parping on bulb horn. Car explodes... Gusher of steam. Falls to bits... Yells.

Eccles: Well... I think I'll pull-up here.

Bloodnok: I say you, you with the apparent teeth.

Eccles: 0h, a soldier man... Hello soldier... Bang... Bang... Bang Bang... Bang - you're dead soldier!

Seagoon: Let me talk to him. I speak Idiot fluently. . . (does Eccles impression) Hello Ecclesssss.

Eccles: Oh?... You're from the old country. .. Oh hohohi [aside to audience] someone else from the Old Country Eh? Well I wish they were back there

Bloodnok: Neddie allow me to humour him with this mallet.

Seagoon: No no no, leave it to me. (as Eccles) Tell us Mad Dan, wha' are you doing in Africa..

Eccles: 'What are you doing in Africa' I translated. I'm here as an adviser to the British Army

Seagoon: (as Eccles) Splendid, what are you going to advise them?

Bloodnok: Oh, I respect your cowardice, it warms my heart and gives old Denis a real smart idea. Come over here and warm yourself by this Recruiting-Sergeant.

Sergeant: (secombe)(cockney) 'Ello 'ello 'ello my lad, you look a likely lad.

Eccles: HELLO, hello, hello my laddddd. Yourn loonk linke a ohn

Sergeant: Very gude, very gude... 'ere lad, 'ow would you like to 'ave a grandstand view of the opening night of the Battle of Spion Kop dere.

Bloodnok: just a moment Sergeant... Spion Kop! He can have my place I tell you!

Bloodnok: Yes, just by chance Sergeant I have a vacant uniform in the front rank, he'll see everything from there.

Sergeant: Now then, you 'eard that very fair offer from the nice Major dere.

Eccles: ...He's a nice man. How much do you want for dat?

Bloodnok: Well, usually it's free, but just this once it will be seven shillings, so ah shall we say a pound?

Bloodnok: You said it.

Eccles: Oh... I've only got a five-pound note.

Bloodnok: Well, I'll take that and you can pay me the other four.later.

Bloodnok: Oh, the old Military till.

Sergeant: You're a very lucky ladddd there Eccles.... I'll have a regiment call for you at six tomorrow morning. Meantime here is the well known 'Conks' Geidray. A sittin' target.

Max Geldray: Boy, in the war my conk holds its own.

Max Geldray and Orchestra - "This Can't Be Love"

Orchestra: Dramatic 'return to the story' link

Grams: Horse artillery trotting up tile line. Distant tramp of soldiers plodding along rough road.

Greenslade: At Dawn the British attack was mounted, not very well stuffed but beautifully mounted. Then suddenly through the stilled British front line, a lone voice is heard.

Moriarty: (approaching) Lucky charms.., get your lucky charms before the battle.., get your lucky charms boys. (sings) Get your self a charm today, and save yourself from harm today.

Willium: 'lire... 'ere mate... charm man? 'Ere.

Willium: Them charms, are they any cop mate?

Moriarty: Ah, they're. . . they're real cop mate - Nelson brought one for Waterloo.

Willium: He weren't at Waterloo.

Moriarty: Of course not, he was in my shop buying a lucky charm. You see how lucky they are.

Willium: How much is a good one then?

Moriarty: Well certainly, what part don't you want to be wounded in?

Willium: I don't want any of me parts wounded.

Moriarty: I know, you want the all parts comprehensive charm.

Willium: Hurry up then - how much??

Moriarty: Three shillings, it's a real bargain with bar...

Willium: There snail eater - I pins it on me chest so me chest won't get killed.

Willium: Owwwwwwwwwwww Mateeeeeeeee.

Grytpype: Unpin the lucky charm and back on the tray with it. Off you go Morantilly.

Moriarty: Charms, second hand lucky charms. (fading) Only used once before...

Grytpype: There he goes, a true son of France and Hyde Park. Who knows what mystic thoughts are whispering in the mossy glades of his krutty shins.

Secombe: I say, do you mind taking your hat off, old chap The battle's about to begin, and we can't see you know.

Grams: Battle starts - First the volleys of musketry, Then distant cannons. The return fire of the enemy is even more distant. Fade down and under. Fade in big ben chiming. Fade.

Elder Statesman: Gentlemen of the house, the Battle of Spion Kop opened last night.

Elder Statesman: Ahh, but I fear it got very bad notices in the Press.

MP: You're not thinking of taking it off are you, Mr Prime Minister?

Elder Statesman: Well, unless Robert Morley puts some money in I can see no other way...

MP: But what about Binkie and his backers, they'll lose all their money.

Elder Statesman: Patience sir, patience. We have here Lieutenant Seagoon...

Elder Statesman: who will proceed to give us the reasons for the disaster.

Seagoon: Thank you, Hon Members. The reason for it flopping was obvious.... there isn't one decent song in the whole battle.

Sellers: (as anot her stat) But soldier fellow, the Battle of Spion Kop isn't musical you!

Seagoon: And that's where we went wrong. If the Americans had been running it they'd have had Rex Harrison, and the other wrecks.

Elder Statesman: Do you know any good composers of battle songs and scores?

Seagoon: Just by chance and careful planning, I have an Auntie in Grimsby who sits amongst the cabbages and plays an elastic water tank under supervision.

Elder Statesman: I didn't know there were any of her kind left you know. Now off you go and tell your auntie the good news.

Secombe: [Sings] 'Land Of Hope And Glory' Speeding up into the distance.

Fx: Hammering of a metal hammer on anvil

Henry Crun: (over hammering mutters) Ohh, dear. -. there.., now that's got the spoons in fine-spoons fettle Mm.

Fx: Quick two spoons together a la buskers

Henry Crun: [sings] 'Na ahah, ahah, aliah, ah' Now Mm, get inside the piano and select me a tuning A.

Henry Crun: Again Min.

Henry Crun: Oh, they don't make pianos like that any more.

Minnie Bannister: Isn't it time we had it shorn Henery?

Henry Crun: No, not yet Mm, the winters aren't upon us yet, you know. Hand me my knuckle oils.

Minnie Bannister: Now Crun rub it well into the knuckles... it's mixed with Indian brandyyy.

Henry Crun: and Minnie Bannister:(cries of brandyyy brandyyy).

Henry Crun: Oh Mm.

Henry Crun: (muttering over) It's no good Min, I've got flat-feet in the third knuckle you know Miii... Ahi... Ah well - Now to try for the Pajanynee variations for spoons arranged - Crun

Henry Crun: Plays spoons and whistles.

Henry Crun: Stop! Stop stop! This spoon is out of tune, Min. Have you been eating with it again?

Henry Crun: Then what's that your stirring the soup with?

Henry Crun: She's always got an answer the old cow. Now to compose the last tune for the battle of Spion Kop.

Minnie Bannister: and Henry Crun: Sing 'Dolly Grey' Fade.

Grams: Fade up battle noises. explosions. Etc.

Bloodnok: Aaaaaaaahhhh... aaalthh.. . abhhbhhh. Ellinga... turn the volume of that battle down.

Bloodnok: Aaahbbbh. .. '

Seagoon: Good heavens, he's gone. Ah here are his boots, they're still warm he can't be far.

Bloodnok: Aaahhh, there ain't nobody here but us chickens I tell you.

Seagoon: The voice came from a cowardly red-face on the top of a chicken wardrobe.

Bloodnok: Oh,. it's you Seagoon, you you coward,

Seagoon: Why have you deserted your post?

Bloodnok: It's got woodworm sir.

Bloodnok: They've saved Monkhouse and Goodwin, well that's good enough for me.

Seagoon: ...there's still hope. Crun's vital battle songs have arrived:

Bloodnok: It won't be easy sir. The enemy have just attacked in E-Flat. And we had to retire to G-Minor.

Seagoon: Never mind sir, these old songs are all written in six-sharps.

Bloodnok: The most powerful brown key of them all. Get Ellunga and his Zulu bones to dash off a chorus towards the enemy.

Grams: Bugle call at varying pitches, murmurs of troops taking up positions.

Seagoon: At dawn under cover of daylight we took up our positions with our teeth blacked out.

Milligan: Every man has his ammunition pouches bulging with offensive military songs and spoons at the ready.

Seagoon: Right. We'll just have to sit and wait.

Bluebottle: Do you tink we're goin' to win, Captain?

Seagoon: Never was victory more certain little lad.

Bluebottle: Oh... then why have you got that taxi waiting for you at the end of the trench.

Seagoon: Ha ha... Well here's half-a-crown little lad. I think we can forget all about it now.

Bluebottle: No... I can't forget about it.

Bluebottle: Ahh... I forgotten about it.

Seagoon: Now explain to me why you're lying down two-inches below the level of the ground and speaking through a tombstone.

Bluebottle: Well, I was doing an impression of a zebra crossing when... squelch! a taxi ranned over me breaking both my boots above the wrist.

Seagoon: What agony igony ogony oogany mahogany... Did it hurt you?

Bluebottle: No because I'm making it all up. Ha hee...

Grams: Taxi approaches at terrific speed. Jelly thud sound.

Bluebottle: Oooh. You've taxied me. Look, the Christmas strings coming off my legs.

Seagoon: Swallow this first-aid book and custard. I'll have your legs relacquered free and exported to Poland.

Bluebottle: You're a fair man, sir... Merryl Kribynss.

Eccles: Ooh, Bottle. What you doing under that taxi?

Bluebottle: It ran over me, Eccies,

Eccles: You must be rich... I can only afford to be run over by buses.

Bluebottle: Well my man when you're in the big money you know, you can do things like this.

Eccles: You see, one day I'll have enough money to be run over by a Rolls-Royce with a chauffeur.

Bluebottle: Well, pull me out then.

Bluebottle: What is it?

Eccles: I don't know, but I got it cheap.

Seagoon: Good heavens it's a genuine hand operated 1914 tiger!

Bloodnok: Seagoon, put that tiger back in its stripes... we don't want any scandals during ladies night.

Abdul: Pardon me, sir. All the men are ready with their music.

Bloodnok: Good, let's have those spoons then lad.

Orchestra: Each man issued with two spoons. They make noise like buskers. -

Bloodnok: Oooh... what a terrifying sound. It's a good job nobody heard it.

Seagoon: Now men, to your military Crun music and take up your vocal positions with your voices facing outwards.

Bloodnok: And don't sing men until you see the whites of their song sheets. Are you ready? Bugler, sound the elephant.

Grams: High pitched trumpeting by single elephant

Bloodnok: Quick, me spoons and me music. I'll show 'em

Bloodnok: Singing 'Goodbye Dolly I Must Leave You'

Bloodnok: 'Goodbye Dolly, I must leave you.' (shouts) Come on you fools, there's more of this where that came from. (continues singing) 'Off we go and fight the foe.' (shouts) Sing up lads!

Cast: All join in singing and rattling spoons

Grams: Shells start bursting in their midst. Starting slowly and increasing in intensity.

Bloodnok: Continues to sing but gradually his morale is destroyed, he breaks off.

Bloodnok: Run for it lads... Oooh, these songs aren't bullet proof.

Grams: Whole army runs away yelling in terror. Speed up and fade.

Grams: Arctic gale howling. Occasional wolves.

Bloodnok: That's far enough lads, where are we?

Bloodnok: No further, we don't want to back into them. Oh... plant the Union Jack will you? The national flag of the Union of Jacks. I claim the South Pole in the name of Gladys Pills of 13 The Sebastibal Villas, Sutton.

Bloodnok: I don't know, but obviously we're doing her a big favour.

Seagoon: There's still a chance of victory. Look what I've got in the brown paper parceL

Bloodnok: Good heavens white paper, what a glorious victory for England.

Bloodnok: What? A fourteen-inch naval gun.

Bloodnok: I've no idea.

Seagoon: Major, inside the barrel are photographs of a British military dinner.

Bloodnok: Really... Keep it going lads, keep it going.

Seagoon: I intend to fire that photograph at the enemy canteen during their lunch break. When they see the size of British military dinners they'll desert.

Bloodnok: I know... half our men deserted when they saw the size of 'em. However it's worth a try. Take aim... fire!

Grams: Colossal explosion. Followed by piles of bones falling on to the ground,

Bluebottle: Ehhh... that's the last time I kip in a barrel. Collapses, and is left out of show from now onwards. Goodnight everybody.

Bluebottle: Oh... by popular request I come back again.

Bluebottle: Ayyy...

Seagoon: All we can do is to wait and see what effect that photograph of a military dinner has on the enemy. Meantime a sound effect.

Greenslade: Meantime in Parliament the British Government had written off the Battle of Spion Kop as a dead loss.

Ancient Statesman: Gentlemen, urn, um... to save face and the honour of England, we're going to bring back that old favourite urn, ah... the Battle of Waterloo.

Elder Statesman: Gentlemen, we shall send out immediate notification to the original cast.

Moriarty Bonaparte: flow dare you wake the Emperor Napoleon up in the middle of his retirement.

French Neddie: Wonderful news... by special request we have to do an encore of the Battle of Waterloo.

Moriarty: Bonaparte: What... but we lost it.

French Neddie: This time we've got a British backer.

Moriarty Bonaparte: Sapristi nabolas. Get my trousers oiled and unwrap a fresh Josephine... ahh, there's going to be fun tonight in the camp.

Grytpype: Down Emperor down.., back to your grave. You know you're not allowed out after your death.

Moriarty Bonaparte: Blast these silly rules.

Grytpype: My card Neddie.

Grytpype: Have you no imagination lad. I am Lord Ink.

Grytpype: Yes Pennan Ink.

Seagoon: Don't worry folks, it's getting near the end now. Anl pay offs will be gratefully received.

Grytpype: One coming up, Ned. Unfortunately my client Moriarty is appearing in 'The Death of Napoleon' at the local knackers yard... it looks like being a very long run,

Seagoon: It looks like being a long run? 'What does?

Grytpype: Ten miles.

Bloodnok: They're off!

Seagoon: (panting) As we ran we discussed the contract for the Battle of Waterloo. Later at Preston Barracks Brighton, we auditioned for the part of the Duke of Wellington.

Grams: Fade in Sellers singing last part of 'Any Old Iron' mate.

Seagoon: Thank you. Wait inside the piano one moment will you. What do you think?

Grytpype: He's not the Lord Wellington type you know.

Seagoon: Yes. (calls out) I say we'll write and let you know.

Willium: Let me know what?

Seagoon: That you're no good for the part.

Willium: Rite - I won't take another job till I hear that, then.

Eccles: (sings) "I'll follow my secret heart till I find you..."

Seagoon: One moment. (aside) Where's my.pistol?

Grytpype: No Neddie no one moment...

Moriarty Bonaparte: Grytpype... with Eccles playing the part of Wellington this time the French are bound to win the battle of Waterloo.

Grytpype: Right... Eccles? Button the hat and sword. Now Charge...

Grams: Great galloping of horses into distance with shots screams and more shots

Seagoon: (in tears) No... we've.., we've lost the Battle of Waterloo,

Moriarty: Get your new history books... get your new history books here... read how the French won Waterloo folks.

Bloodnok: Seagoon, look here, a right twitt you made of yourself firing that photo of a dinner at the enemy. Do you know what they've fired back?

Bloodnok: The photograph of an empty plate.

Seagoon: Well, there you are folks the old anti-climax again.

The Battle of Spion Kop

By Spike Milligan

Broadcast 29^th December 1958 (series 9 episode 9)

The Battle of Spion Kop

By Spike Milligan

Broadcast 29th December 1958 (series 9 episode 9)

Broadcast 29^th December 1958 (series 9 episode 9)