The Spanish Suitcase
Written by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan
Broadcast 7th December 1954
Greenslade: This is the BBC Home Service
Grytpype: Oh dear!
Greenslade: Never-the-less, this is the BBC Home Service, my almamata!
Bluebottle: Olé!
Seagoon: That olé of olés can only herald the coming of the highly esteemed Goon Show!
Grams: Panic stricken audience running out, door slams
Seagoon: Who unlocked the doors? Mr. Greenslade, emergency music!
Grams: "The Archers" theme tune and animal noises
Seagoon: Stop! (GRAMS stop) I knew that would get them back in. Heads above the trough! (country accent) Now then, Dan Greenslade, me dear, tell 'em as 'ow we're going to be doing that there Goon Show. I'll be off to mend my tractor
Greenslade: (country accent) Aaaaah, aaalright me old dear Ned Archer, I reckon as all we'll be having a ripe harvest of compost from 'im tonight!
Greenslade: Aaaaaah!
Seagoon: Aaaaaah!
Regal Woman: Hello you two, still arguing about the old cow?
Greenslade: Aaaaaaaah!
Regal Woman: Where's Daddy?
Greenslade: Well he were asking if them beams up in the barn were strong
Seagoon: Ay, he asked I that, he did, he asked I that then he went up there with a coil of rope and a noose around his neck
Regal Woman: No no, he... oh look!
Grams: "The Archers" end theme tune
Sellers: Easy money!
Seagoon: (himself) Right, now Greenslade, off with your dung smock and into a serious vein
Greenslade: (himself) Right sir. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is...
Seagoon: Mr. Greenslade, how many words have you said up to now?
Greenslade: Oh, about two dozen?
Seagoon: Hmm, well, carry on for a bit
Greenslade: Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight...
Seagoon: Stop! That's your lot. Ladies and Gentlepong, tonight's drama takes place in Spain, the famous Spanish land.
Orchestra: Grand opening
Spaniard: It is the summer of 1802, there in Madrid a young semi-human english lord is on vacation.
Grams: Spanish crowd scene and guitar music quietly behind speech
Seagoon: Ah yes, how I love the music of the banjo! As I sat there, I was spellbound by the Spanish dancer. the flash of her dazzling teeth as she whirled and gyrated to the throbbing beat of the Flamingo. Unable to contain myself, I sprang into the middle of the floor, tore off my clothes and did: the Palais Glide! (GRAMS stop)
Milligan: Not a pretty sight!
Greenslade: My name is Wallace Greenslade, I was in Spain at the time and the next morning I saw Ned Seagoon exhausted by his night of sensuous Morris dancing, sitting on his big white-washed hacienda
Milligan: Still not a pretty sight!
Seagoon: I sat there sipping a glass of coal and scrumming a stropper when a brown hand fell on my shoulder
Moriarty: Ah, pardon me, but did a brown hand just fall on your shoulder?
Seagoon: Is it yours?
Moriarty: Yes, thank you
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé! garbled French
Seagoon: I gave him a guarded... oui!
Moriarty: So, the senór is a foreigner!
Seagoon: I beg your pardon!? I'm British!
Moriarty: I know, but this is Madrid
Seagoon: Ha ha ha! A natural mistake, there are so many foreigners here that you took mistook me for one
Moriarty: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé! My name is Count Moriarty, Inspector of the Carabianeri, Spanish police, you understand?
Seagoon: I understand
Moriarty: Yes. I am looking for clues in the recent jewel robbery at the Castello de Berkoff, senór
Seagoon: Ah yes, quite a bit of jewellery lost I believe
Moriarty: Yes, I might say that whoever planned the robbery must have been a man of the highest intelligence with the courage of a lion
Seagoon: So you suspect me
Moriarty: No.
Moriarty: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé! A Britisher has already been incasseroled in the Madrid jail, and sentenced to 94 years, senór
Seagoon: So he was found guilty, eh?
Moriarty: I don't know, they haven't tried him yet
Seagoon: Do you think they suspect him?
Moriarty: That's difficult to say
Seagoon: "Do you think they suspect him?" It is a bit difficult to say, yes; you try it
Moriarty: Yes. Do-you-think-they-sus-pect-him?
Seagoon: Of course they suspect him
Moriarty: What?
Seagoon: Why, he's even been sentenced to 94 years in jail!
Moriarty: Caramba! How did you hear this?
Seagoon: Two little things called... ears
Moriarty: You cunning English, you have everything. Why, that's what I came here to tell you!
Seagoon: Tell me what?
Moriarty: That this Britisher has been sentenced to 94 years in jail
Seagoon: Do you think they suspect him?
Moriarty: That's difficult to say
Sellers: Perhaps there's something to say for "The Archers" after all. Olé!
Moriarty: Olé! The important thing, senór, is that we have not yet recovered the jewels. Somewhere there is a little Spanish suitcase
Grytpype: Ah, good morning
Seagoon: I turned to meet this accomplished linguist. He was a thin man aglow with lurgi. He wore a white linen suit so cunningly tailored that it left his hands and face naked
Grytpype: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé!
Seagoon: I motioned him to sit down, but he refused
Grytpype: Naturally, I was in the middle of the road
Grytpype: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé!
Grytpype: May I introduce myself, I am the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne, British Ambassador in Siberia
Seagoon: There is no embassy in Siberia
Grytpype: I know, it's all so terribly frustrating
Seagoon: Well, what are you doing over here?
Grytpype: It's my day off
Seagoon: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé!
Grytpype: Now what I - by Jove senór Moriarty!
Moriarty: What is it?
Grytpype: Look it's extraordinary
Moriarty: Caramba! The resemblance is amazing
Seagoon: They were both looking closely at my face, but I didn't mind; I like giving pleasure to people
Grytpype: Yes, senór Seagoon, are you by any chance related to the famous English bullfighter Major El Bloodnok?
Seagoon: Yes, we're both British
Grytpype: Mmm, identical! Look, here is a photo of Major El Bloodnok
Seagoon: Hmm, well I don't look anything like him
Grytpype: That is the amazing part - he doesn't look anything like you either, so you're identically different
Seagoon: Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po
Omnes: Good!
Grytpype: Ah, Neddy, lad. You will be the saviour of British prestige
Moriarty: Of course, but allow me to explain to him the honour that is about to befall him.
Grytpype: Nakos Nakos
Moriarty: Los Nakos, yes
Seagoon: Yakka Baku!
Moriarty: Thank you). Now, please, tomorrow senór Seagoon at the Arena Del Torros, El Bloodnok should have fought the great Andalucian bull. Unfortunately he, ur, he can not appear. Ah! but fortunately you shall take his place
Seagoon: Oh no no no, the crowd will recognise that I'm not El Bloodnok
Grytpype: Yes, but the bull won't
Seagoon: I tell you, no no no, I can't. Where is El Bloodnok anyway?
Grytpype: Well unfortunately he is in jail for 94 yea - er - 48 hours, you understand, a minor offence, nothing at all
Seagoon: But Count Moriarty, you're inspector of Spanish police, surely you can get him released for the fight?
Moriarty: Ah yes, you know I'm a police inspector, but the police don't
Seagoon: I see, I see, secret service eh? But surely they'll know you at the jail
Moriarty: Only too well, that is why I must keep clear
Grytpype: Wait, Mor-I-Arty
Moriarty: What?
Grytpype: All the police know is that there's a Britisher serving a 2 day sentence
Moriarty: Yes brilliant
Grytpype: Yes of course
Moriarty: Yes, if we can get a Britisher who looks like El Bloodnok he could take his place in the jail while El Bloodnok fought the bull
Seagoon: El Bloodnok must fight the bull
Grytpype: Splendid! Now Seagoon, just try on this moustache for size
Seagoon: But I can't take his place in jail, after all I...
Grytpype: Now look Seagoon, it's only 2 days and think of British prestige
Seagoon: Very well, for the honour of our island heritage
Grytpype: You silly twisted boy you!
Seagoon: Olé!
Grytpype: Olé!
Seagoon: Olé!
Grytpype: Max Geldray take us to the Madrid Jail
Max Geldray "I'm forever blowing bubbles"
Greenslade: While Max Geldray was playing Ned Seagoon, brilliantly disguised as Major Bloodnok, took his place in jail.
Eccles: Ooh?
Greenslade: It was a masterpiece of escapology.
Grytpype: We would like to show you how it was done but - well - we may want to use the method again
Milligan: In any case, it wasn't a pretty sight
Fx: Keys being jangled and a heavy door being opened
Jailer: Well, there's your supper
Fx: Cutlery being placed on the floor
Seagoon: Yum yum! Din dins! Thank you, you play the game by me, jailer, I'll reward you when I'm released
Jailer: Man, I'll be dead when you come out!
Seagoon: You're not ill are you?
Jailer: Oh no no no, but I'm 25 now and I won't live forever
Seagoon: But I'm only here for 2 days
Jailer: Oh that's rich! Ha ha ha ! You do the biggest jewel robbery in years and you say that - 2 days? Ha ha ha ha ha...
Fx: Keys jangled and heavy prison door open and closed
Milligan: It's tricky for Seagoon, isn't it?
Orchestra: Spanish link music
Greenslade: Listeners, as you all know so well, where the Calle de Carla meets the Prada in the Plaza of Madrid, stands the Hotel... Fred. I was staying there as a guest of Senór Henry Crun, the manager
Henry Crun: Let me see, how many rooms do we have booked now? Number 1: Senór and Senóra Smith; Number 2: Senór and Senóra Smith; 3, 4, 5, 6, 7: Senór and Senóra Smith; 9, 10, 11: all Smith! Hmmm, just like our lovely little hotel in Brighton!
Fx: Hotel bell ringing
Moriarty: Attention please, senór. Buenos dias, Buenos dias. My name is Count Moriarty
Henry Crun: Olé!
Moriarty: Olé!
Henry Crun: Olé!
Moriarty: Well done
Henry Crun: I'll get a room ready for you
Moriarty: I don't want a room
Henry Crun: Well you can't stay here then
Moriarty: Mr. Old Man, I am a great amigo of Major El Bloodnoko
Henry Crun: Ah, noko niko niku
Moriarty: Well said!
Henry Crun: he's gone, you know?
Moriarty: Who?
Henry Crun: Bloodnokoo, which reminds me - Minnie!
Minnie Bannister: Si, Henry?
Henry Crun: What's that Minnie?
Minnie Bannister: I said si Henry
Henry Crun: I'll get my glasses Minnie
Minnie Bannister: Si si si, Buddie! In Spain we say si si!
Henry Crun: Oh yes yes yes, si si si. Minnie?
Minnie Bannister: What?
Henry Crun: Changé el cabanyero parle de habituelle 23
Minnie Bannister: What's that Henry?
Henry Crun: Changé el cabanyero parle de habituelle 23. Now, Minnie, did you hear what I said to you?
Minnie Bannister: Si, you said changé el cabanyero parle de habituelle 23
Henry Crun: Si si, so why don't you do it?
Minnie Bannister: What does it mean Henry?
Henry Crun: It means change the sheets in 23
Minnie Bannister: In Spain we say si si
Henry Crun: Stop that modern foreign madrigal and change the sheets
Minnie Bannister: Ying Bong Iddle I
Henry Crun: What what what?
Moriarty: Please, please, sapristi-nyockos
Henry Crun: Knuckles?
Moriarty: I'm here about Major El Bloodnok
Henry Crun: yes yes, Major Bloodnok he's in jail you know?
Moriarty: Yes yes, he asked me to collect his suitcase. A black Spanish Suitcase
Henry Crun: Oh yes yes, I sent it down to the jail
Moriarty: Caramba nyockos! This old fool has given the suitcase to Seagoon. Old Man, did you deliver this case personally?
Henry Crun: Yes I gave it to Major Bloodnok, but he kept saying he was Ned Seagoon
Moriarty: Sapristi-Caramba!
Grams: Whoosh!
Greenslade: I watched the hurrying figure of Moriarty with my binoculars as he went towards the Congressa De Los Bottalés. There he was met by a man heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon
Milligan: Not a pretty sight!
Bloodnok: Ah Moriarty! Now where's the suitcase?
Moriarty: It's in jail
Bloodnok: But it's innocent!
Moriarty: Never the less, it is there. Now, this is the only way we can get out: you must go in!
Bloodnok: Me? But why don't you go in?
Moriarty: Impossible, they would recognise at once that I was not you
Bloodnok: But I'm disguised as Seagoon
Moriarty: Exactly, they'll have nothing against you. You can go to jail with the knowledge that you're perfectly innocent
Bloodnok: Very well, for the sake of my old Spanish Suitcase
Moriarty: I'll make arrangements in Spanish with the jailer. Ellington!
Jailer: Yes?
Moriarty: Look the other way, nyuckos!
Jailer: Right!
Ray Ellington "Bim Bam Baby"
Greenslade: Let us now re-cap
Seagoon: I'm innocent, I tell you!
Greenslade: Originally Major Bloodnok was in jail for 94 years suspected of the jewel robbery
Seagoon: I'm innocent
Greenslade: Innocent young Neddy Seagoon, heavily disguised as major Bloodnok was inveigled into taking Bloodnok's place
Seagoon: I really am innocent, I tell you I really am
Greenslade: In the meantime Major Bloodnok heavily disguised as Ned Seagoon was once again at large trying to collect the much sought after Spanish suitcase
Seagoon: And I'm completely innocent!
Greenslade: Seagoon, realising he's been duped, removed his disguise and revealed himself as Ned Seagoon
Seagoon: I am Ned Seagoon, I'm innocent!
Greenslade: To his horror the Spanish police then believed that he had committed the robbery heavily disguised as Major Bloodnok
Seagoon: It's not true, it's a lie, I'm innocent! I tell you I really am!
Greenslade: Meantime Mr. Crun sent the Spanish Suitcase to Ned Seagoon in jail
Seagoon: Lying there innocent!
Greenslade: Believing him to be Major Bloodnok
Seagoon: I've been tricked, I'm an innocent prawn, porn, pawn! I demand justice! I'm innocent!
Greenslade: Now Major Bloodnok is being smuggled back into jail in order to retrieve the Spanish Suitcase, and may I take this opportunity of reminding listeners to post early for Christmas
Fx: Keys jangling and heavy prison door opened
Jailer: Come on, in you get! Get in there, you'll be company for the other two
Fx: Jangling keys and heavy prison door shut
Bloodnok: Ah, it's good to be home! Any mail?
Seagoon: Thank Heavens! It's good to be able to talk to a human being
Bloodnok: But he said there were two of you in here
Eccles: Um de dum de dum de dum de dum
Bloodnok: I understand what you mean
Eccles: So do I
Bloodnok: Let me introduce myself, I am Major El Bloodnok
Seagoon: What? You're the cause of my being in here! Help! Help!
Bloodnok: No no no, don't take on so. I've come back to help you, haven't I?
Seagoon: I wish it wasn't so dark in here, I'd like you to see the scorn and disbelief in my face
Bloodnok: Neddy, lad, I have a plan to get us out
Seagoon: What?
Bloodnok: (whispering) Yes give me your eat. Now listen (whispers incoherently, then speaks in normal voice) Have you got that?
Eccles: Yup! You want me to tell Neddy?
Bloodnok: Curse! The wrong idiot!
Seagoon: What's this all about?
Bloodnok: You may as well tell him now
Eccles: Well, Neddy, when the warden comes in...
Bloodnok: Whisper, you fool!
Eccles: (shouting) Whisper you fool! (quiet) Oh yeah, it's a secret, yeah, the man says to whisper (whispers incoherently with sound effects, then speaks) You got that?
Jailer: I certainly have!
Eccles: Oooooh! A jailor! I didn't see you in the dark
Jailer: That's hardly surprising!
Bloodnok: You nincompoop, Eccles, take that and that and that
Fx: Punching sound
Eccles: Oooh!
Seagoon: Stop Major, it hurts me the way you're hitting him
Bloodnok: Why?
Seagoon: You're hitting him with me!
Bloodnok: Oh, but he's foiled the escape plan. We'll shall have to try again later
Seagoon: Yes
Bloodnok: Good. Now to help us escape all we need is a little leather box, preferably a little Spanish Suitcase
Seagoon: Oh, I haven't got one
Bloodnok: No case? Come now, dear lad, no Spanish Suitcase? Mr. Greenslade the porter delivered it from the Hotel Fred only this morning
Seagoon: Oh that! It wasn't mine so I sent it back
Bloodnok: Knuckle me sombrero and Spanish me knuckles, sent it... Moriarty! He knew it was being sent back to the Hotel Fred that's why he wanted to get me in here. That's what it's all about!
Seagoon: What are we going to do?
Eccles: 94 years
Orchestra: Dramatic link
Greenslade: I was sitting outside the Hotel Fred reading the Radio Times when I saw Count Moriarty and Senór Grytpype Thynne approaching
Grytpype: You're sure the suitcase was returned to the Hotel Fred?
Moriarty: Why yes, the jailer told me
Grytpype: Good man. Oh porter?
Greenslade: Yes sir?
Grytpype: Where is the old man who owns the hotel?
Greenslade: Oh, Senór Crun, such a clever man, do you know he hasn't paid a peseta in tax since 1894? He's brilliant with figures
Moriarty: Si si, but where is he now?
Greenslade: He's in jail
Moriarty: Jail?
Greenslade: They took him this afternoon
Moriarty: Did he take anything with him?
Greenslade: Well not really, only an old Spanish suitcase
Orchestra: Dramatic link
Fx: Jangling keys and heavy prison door opened
Seagoon: I'm innocent, I tell you, I'm completely innocent!
Jailer: Yes yes yes. Now move over, there's two more to join you - in you get!
Moriarty: Gracias gracias
Grytpype: After you, Moriarty
Moriarty: Thank you
Fx: Jangling keys and heavy prison door shut
Bloodnok: Griddle me grodkins, that sounds like that double-crossing no-good naughty man Count Moriarty
Moriarty: Calm yourself Blidnook. How many people are there in here?
Bloodnok: There's Seagoon, me, Mr. Crun...
Eccles: Me; I'm a member here!
Seagoon: What's this all about? I'm innocent I tell you
Moriarty: Quiet! I know! Never mind now, Mr. Crun have you a suitcase?
Henry Crun: Yes here it is
Moriarty: At last, give it to me
Bloodnok: Take your foreign hands off it, I believe it's mine
Moriarty: Yes, but the jewels inside they belong to all of us; we've all taken risks
Bloodnok: Jewels? My dear chap, all that's in my suitcase is a change of underwear
Grytpype: Yes, I think they're trying to bluff us Moriarty
Seagoon: Why don't you open the suitcase and find out?
Grytpype: Good idea. Open it
Fx: ZIP OPENED
Moriarty: Are there jewels inside?
Bloodnok: Feel for yourself, all there is are Dennis's unmentionables, that's all. Here, feel the cardboard in the front of my dress shirt, there's nothing at all
Moriarty: Then who's got the jewels? I'll find out - take that!
Fx: Metal tray hit hard on someone's head
Bluebottle: Aaaaaaay!
Moriarty: Who are you?
Bluebottle: Enter Spanish Bluebottle, with a Spanish audience
Seagoon: Little knobbly Spanish actor, what are you doing here?
Bluebottle: I'm here to brighten up the script and to fight the dreaded Spanish-type bull. I'm not afraid of those needle-pointed horns - thinks: Yes I am! Moves left, strums Spittoon and does Caspitor dance
Seagoon: Little careless fracturer, what do you know of the bull-fighter's art?
Bluebottle: I have seen the picture "Blood and Sand" and I learnt one thing from that
Seagoon: What?
Bluebottle: Ali Can knew what he was doing
Seagoon: But what about the bullfight?
Bluebottle: If the bull charges to my right I run towards the matador, if the bull charges to the left I run towards the picadors
Seagoon: And if it rushed straight at you?
Bluebottle: Then I run for the back-a-door, ha ha!
Moriarty: Listen, little wreck, do you know anything about the jewels?
Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! They have been stolen, but I have not got them all so shall we play another game? I don't like standing in the dark, you know, I don't like the dark standing. Feels out for my Cap-I-Tain
Eccles: Ooooh!
Bluebottle: Hee hee hee! Is that my friend? I knew you would be in here
Eccles: Yeah, I knew I'd be in here too
Bluebottle: I ran all the way to get here
Eccles: Did you?
Bluebottle: Yes
Eccles: Oooh
Bluebottle: Shall we go and play in the car park?
Eccles: In the car park?
Bluebottle: Yes, and then we can take all the car numbers down
Eccles: And the tyres
Bluebottle: yes. I got 302 cars yesterday and...
Seagoon: I'm sorry little pimply toreador
Eccles: He's innocent!
Seagoon: But you'll have to stay here
Bluebottle: My little captain has spoken. He's joking
Moriarty: This is no joke, Bluebottle, we have not got the jewels and we are all encasseroled here forever
Bluebottle: Tee hee! I don't like this game! Where are we?
Jailer: You're in jail, man, and the only person to get out of this jail was me
Bluebottle: Go away you naughty man with the big keys, we can go home now can't we captain? Can we go home cap-i-tain? Eccles, Eccles, we can go home now if we want to can't we? Major Bloodnok? Dear little Major Bloodnok? Why don't we all go to the pictures, I don't like it here
Seagoon: I'll tell you why, little stringy stand-in, this is no play, this is the strongest jail in the world. There is no way out
Bluebottle: You rotten Spanish onions you! You have trapped me into coming here. And I thought it as just a play we was acting. Now I can't go home!
Moriarty: Shut up!
Bluebottle: No
Moriarty: Shut up!
Bluebottle: I will not shut up!
Moriarty: Shut up!
Bluebottle: No. I will shout for my father, he's in the fire brigade. And he will come and rescue little Bluebottle.
Moriarty: Shut up little Bluebottle!
Fx: Frying pan hit on someone's head
Bluebottle: Ooooow!
Moriarty: Take that
Bluebottle: I've been Spanish nutted. Falls right into the ground holding dirty big lump on crust - doot-doot-doot-doot!
Seagoon: What are we to do? Heeeeelp!
Eccles: No no no no no. That won't do any good, you know? You've got to use your brains, brains.
Seagoon: We can't stay here for the rest of our lives!
Eccles: No, we must get out.
Seagoon: Yes, but how?
Eccles: I'll show you. Heeeeeelp!
Henry Crun: Well, if we're going to be here for the rest of our lives we might as well get comfortable.
Eccles: Yeah
Seagoon: It's alright for you, a couple of weeks and you'll be out
Moriarty: Caramba! I wonder who could have stolen the jewels? Who? Who?
Fx: Lone violin playing A "Hearts and Flowers" over...
Seagoon: 93 years went by
Eccles: Do you think they've forgotten us?
Seagoon: And by now, we'd almost given up hope. Our only recreation was to climb up on each other's shoulders and look through a tiny crack in Eccles's head. We could see the harbour and occasionally a beautiful yacht which belonged to one of the newly rich families that lived in Spain - El Greenslade
Grytpype: Rather a funny name for a yacht - it was called the Spanish Suitcase!
Orchestra: Closing theme tune
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra as conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
Orchestra: Outro...
Transcription and HTML by Kurt Adkins: kurt@thegoonshow.co.uk