The Sinking Of Westminster Pier
by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes
Series 5, Episode 21, Broadcast 15th Feb 1955
Orchestra: Ta Da!
Greenslade: Clear the floor for the East Acton Working Man's Club Crazy Cabaret
Seagoon: Act number one is the highly esteemed - Goon Show!
Orchestra: Ta Da!
Seagoon: Now, Mr. Greenslade, put down that Radio Times, cast off that bamboo kilt and give the listeners the old posh chat there. Do the old wireless talk, Wal, go on Wal, right up you, Wal
Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen this week, as stated in the Radio Times, we give you the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street
Seagoon: Sorry, Greeners, we're not doing that, Wallace
Greenslade: Oh yes we are
Seagoon: Not this week, no
Greenslade: But we are, you see on page 24 of my Radio Times it states quite clearly "The Six Ingots Of Leadenhall Street"
Seagoon: I know, but we changed it, you see
Greenslade: But the Radio Times never lies!
Sellers: (Announcer) Tonight we give you the story of the port of London authorities valuable hand-carved oil-painted valuable floating pier
Orchestra: Lone wailing violin over speech
Sellers: (exaggerated narrator / poet )Oooooh, 'twas the month of February in 1955, when the valuable floating pier at Westminster suddenly took a dive. On board the sinking pier Fred Harding was having his tea, when the icy waters closed over his head and he screamed... (Violin stops)
Seagoon: (strained voice, unemotional) Oh deary me!
Sellers: (Violin starts again) But 600 Westminster firemen with hook and ladder and line, worked with tigerish courage sank the whole lot before 9! And oooooh!
Grams: Bubbling of drowning object
Orchestra: Dramatic descending chords
Fx: 3 Hits of a gavel
Council Leader: Attention, Westminster Councillors! Enquiry in to the sinking of the valuable Westminster Pier on the 7th of Feb 1955 is now in the old session, there! Chairman Mr. Ned Seagoon - and a right charley he looks in that cardboard trilby over there!
Seagoon: (clears throat) Gentlemen, for the Port of London Authority I must state the day before the valuable Westminster Pier sank it was inspected and certified river-worthy
Councillor: Who was the man who inspected it?
Council Leader: It was none other than...
Seagoon: I resign!
Council Leader: Resignation accepted on the grounds of incompetence, anyone else want the old job, there?
Seagoon: I'll take it on
Council Leader: Right, name?
Seagoon: Ned Seagoon
Council Leader: Same as the last bloke, all right carry on
Seagoon: Now did anybody actually see the Pier sink?
Willium: Yes mate, Jim Tula
Seagoon: Then why isn't he here?
Willium: He went down with it, mate
Seagoon: I see. Right... lunch!
Grams: Hundreds of feet running out of building
Council Leader: Here wait minute! Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! We've got some more witnesses yet
Seagoon: Oh, very well. Throat?
Throat: Yes?
Seagoon: Postpone lunch
Throat: Right
Seagoon: Good
Throat: Right
Council Leader: Next witness!
Fx: Very slow footsteps gradually getting closer and then walking away, door slams
Seagoon: Right, next witness! What? No one else? Right - lunch!
Grams: Hundreds of feet running out of building
Eccles: Stop! Hallo!
Seagoon: Who are you, you ragged idiot?
Eccles: I'm the famous Eccles
Seagoon: Famous? I've never heard of you
Eccles: What? You've heard of Clapham Common!?
Seagoon: Yes
Eccles: Well you mind what you say
Seagoon: What? Now look here let's get down to the important question, what caused a valuable Westminster Pier to sink?
Willium: As a member of the police, may I make a suggestion, mate?
Seagoon: Police? You're not Fagin of the yard
Willium: No, I can't act for toffee, I can't
Seagoon: Neither can he. Now, do you suspect sabotage?
Willium: No, he's in the clear
Seagoon: Then whom do you suspect?
Willium: Russian frogmen dunnit, mate
Seagoon: What is their motive?
Willium: Oo, I don't in to their private affairs, mate, I just accuses 'em, that's all I do
Seagoon: Are you sure the Russians did it?
Willium: Well I 'aint, mate, but it looks good on the report sheet, dunnit?
Seagoon: Hmmmmm - right, lunch!
Grams: Hundreds of feet running out of building, pigs snorting
Greenslade: Meantime, on a fish train, travelling from Leeds to Salisbury
Max Geldray and Orchestra - 'Brazil'
Seagoon: For a week we tried to raise the valuable sunken Westminster Pier, but failed miserably. Then yesterday a professor offered me a service
Henry Crun: Good morning
Seagoon: Good morning, sir
Minnie Bannister: Good morning, buddy
Seagoon: (laughing to himself) Good morning buddy, yes. So you think you can raise the pier. ey?
Minnie and Henry Crun: Oh yes, yes! We can! We've done it any times!
Seagoon: Splendid. Now, what is your profession?
Minnie and Henry Crun: Ooooh!
Minnie Bannister: We're Oyster Sexers
Seagoon: Oyster sexers?
Minnie Bannister: Yes, we can tell the difference, you know?
Seagoon: At your age that must be quite a revelation. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in oyster sexing
Henry Crun: Ah, but you're not an oyster, are you?
Seagoon: Mr. Crun...
Henry Crun: What what what?
Seagoon: If I was an oyster I wouldn't be here. Can't have an oyster as chairman of the Westminster Pier Salvage Committee can you?
Henry Crun: Why not, ey? Why not? It's a free country isn't it? Why shouldn't an oyster be chairman?
Seagoon: Because an oyster can't talk
Henry Crun: Have you ever spoken to one?
Seagoon: Hhhmmmm, no!
Minnie and Henry Crun: Aaaah!
Henry Crun: Then you don't know, do you?
Minnie Bannister: No
Henry Crun: No, no. Now look, we've got an oyster here
Minnie Bannister: Fred
Henry Crun: Yes, put it on the desk, there you are Min...
Fx: Shell on desk (coconut shells)
Henry Crun: There, go on, speak to it!
Seagoon: Speak to it? This is absurd, I, I can't -
Minnie Bannister: No, go on buddy, yakaboo! Speak to it, speak to it!
Seagoon: No no, I refuse. I can't...
Henry Crun: Yes you can, try. Then you can find out if it can speak
Minnie Bannister: Yes!
Seagoon: (clears throat) Um... Good morning! Ha-ha! This is madness! You can't...
Henry Crun: You'll have to speak louder he can't hear you
Seagoon: Of course not, the oyster's closed
Henry Crun: Closed? Wednesday! Of course, it's early closing!
Minnie and Henry Crun: Shout loud to it! Shout loud to it!
Seagoon: (louder) Good morning, I see that it's early closing for oysters
Grams: Fred The Oyster: Shell scrapes as it turns, creaks open, donkey eee-aughs twice, rasberry, creaks shut, shell closes
Seagoon: How dare he do that to me, give me that oyster here! (gulps) There, that's the last you'll hear of him (belches) Pardon!
Minnie Bannister: Oooooh! You naughty man, you've eaten Fred our oyster
Henry Crun: We'll call the police constable!
Seagoon: (over their shouts) Get out of here! You can't -
Fx: While the three argue door is taken off hinges, fade away, door slammed shut
Seagoon: Good heavens! Is there no one who can salvage the highly valuable Westminster Pier? I'd pay anything!
Grams: Whoosh!
Moriarty: Ooooh! Pardon me, my ami, mon card
Seagoon: Thank you, but there's nothing on it!
Moriarty: Look on the other side
Seagoon: Oh, that's a silly place to have it printed... on the back! Now what's this? "Messrs Fred Moriarty Ltd. - Sunken Westminster Floating Pier Salvage Expert"? Gad! Just the man we want!
Moriarty: Sapristi! You mean the Westminster floating Pier has sunk?
Seagoon: Yes
Moriarty: At last... employment! All these years I've waited!
Seagoon: Well tell me, how do we raise the pier?
Moriarty: Oh, don't raise the pier!
Seagoon: What then?
Moriarty: Lower the river
Seagoon: Gad! Genius! Absolute genius! But can you do it?
Moriarty: Sapristi yacka-backaras of course I can. My partner, the Honourable Grytpype-Thynne is the greatest water remover in the world! Follow me!
Grams: Whoosh! Whoosh!
Fx: Knocking on door
Grytpype-Thynne: Come in!
Fx: Door Opens
Grams: Swimming through water over speech
Seagoon: I entered a room 4 foot deep in water. Up to his neck in it Grytpype-Thynne was sitting on a rubber dinghy smoking a Jim-filled Hookah
Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy! Have a glass of water
Seagoon: (gulp) Thank you
Grytpype-Thynne: Have another. Drink as much as you can
Seagoon: Why?
Grytpype-Thynne: The basement's flooded
Seagoon: But I thought you were an expert water remover
Grytpype-Thynne: Oh I am, it's my day off!
Seagoon: I see
Grytpype-Thynne: So you want us to lower the level of the Thames?
Seagoon: Yes
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, well that will be 30 bob a day for the hire of the pumps
Seagoon: Pumps?
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, I always wear them, they don't draw the feet, you know? I hate having my feet drawn, except by Graham Sutherland. then for the work, well the work shall we say 10 pounds for every hours pumping?
Seagoon: 10 pounds for every hour?
Grytpype-Thynne: I accept! Sign here please And here! And here!
Fx: Scratching of pen nib on paper
Grytpype-Thynne: And here! And on this cheque. Now this one. And here! This small cheque here. Bank guarantee, mortgage, pawn ticket, here's your insurance policy, just there! This contract! Indemnity clause... here! Watch, chain, thank you! Now have a glass of water
Seagoon: (gulp) Thank you
Grytpype-Thynne: Splendid. I want you to drink as much as you can
Seagoon: Why, is it good for me?
Grytpype-Thynne: No, good for my grandmother
Seagoon: Why?
Grytpype-Thynne: She's under all this lot. Righto, Neddy, we'll be there in the morning and I take it you'll have the money ready, hmm?
Seagoon: Yes. Hurrah! Then tomorrow my name will be famous. Neddy Seagoon - the man who raised the Westminster sunken floating Pier and the good old Port of London Authorities flag will fly once more and the crowd will sing - (singing) For he's a jolly good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seagoon! For he's a jolly good Seeagoooooon and so say all of us!
Grytpype-Thynne: You silly twisted boy
Seagoon: Thank you. Then you'll start pumping out the river tomorrow, ey?
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, 'til tomorrow then, Neddy
Seagoon: A demain!
Fx: Door Slams
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty!? We shall make a fortune out of this charley. But first let us hear Gladys Ellington and her lean Water Baby
Ray Ellington and his Quartet - 'My Lean Lady'
Greenslade: And now, the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street part 3, in which Ned Seagoon is attacked by a drink crazed Peruvian Trombonist with rumpled feet and then...
Seagoon: Wallace, we're not doing that this week
Greenslade: But page 24 of my Radio Time says...
Seagoon: I don't care what your Radio Times says, Wallace, we're not doing it!
Greenslade: But the Editor is a friend of mine and the Radio Times never lies!
Seagoon: I don't care! We're not doing it Wallace (fades out)
Sellers: (exaggerated theatrical narrator) Oooooh!
Orchestra: Lone violin over speech
Sellers: So Moriarty and Grytpype-Thynne started to pump the river, and as the weather was very cold sometimes they were both were want for to shiver. They pumped and pumped but the River Thames didn't get any lower, but this didn't worry Grytpype-Thynne as he was being paid by the hour. And Oooooh, the pump fiend did pump and roar
Grams: Heavy machinery pumping over speech
Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, chesnuts in blossom
Grytpype-Thynne: How much does he owe us no, Moriarty?
Moriarty: Er, we've pumped 60,000 gallons - that's 3 Million Pounds
Grytpype-Thynne: Lovely, lovely
Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: (singing) April in Paris, chesnuts in blossom, her comes a charley!
Seagoon: I say! I say, Grytpype!?
Grytpype-Thynne: Ah Neddy, have a glass of water
Seagoon: (gulp) Thanks
Grytpype-Thynne: Every little helps, you know?
Seagoon: That's just it. You've been pumping for 8 weeks now and the river hasn't gone down 1 inch!
Grytpype-Thynne: Well you can't rush these things, laddie. You've come to pay us the old...
Seagoon: yes, yes. Here it is, 3 million pounds
Fx: Cash Register
Grytpype-Thynne: Thank you
Seagoon: But that's the last of it, you know? Treasury's nearly broke!
Grytpype-Thynne: Nonsense. Have a glass of water
Seagoon: (gulp) Thank you. Now listen, if in the next 24 hours the river is still full of water the government is going to step in
Grytpype-Thynne: Good riddance to them! Now let's see, we've got 3 million,
Moriarty: (goes off singing 'April in Paris')
Seagoon: Wait! I say, wait! Where were they pumping all the water to? It was then I noticed a long pipe. I followed it, along the Embankment, past Vauxhall, Chelsea Bridge, Putney Bridge, Barnsbridge, Mortlake Brewery - hmm! Mortlake Brewery!
Fx: Door handle turned, slams door, long pause, door handle turned
Seagoon: (drunk, singing) April in Paris, Aaaaaaapri (hiccup)
Grams: Man falling in water, splashing in water
Seagoon: (distant)Heeeelp! Heeelp! I'm drowning, and I'm with the dreaded alcohol!
Bloodnok: (over splashing and calls) Thund me ninging nurgelers, is it? Gad, but no! Where's me old photographs? It's me old bat man Neddy Seagoon having a swim in mid-February, the naughty man! I say there Seagoon, it's me!
Seagoon: Heeeeelp!
Bloodnok: Me, Major Bloodnok, of the Third Regular Army Deserters. I say, Seagoon, remember that day in Poona at the Muratari's Restaurant? Oh she was a boutique biddy, oh yes!
Seagoon: I'm drowning!
Bloodnok: Don't interrupt, please. I took her to Grant road and - what? Drowning, you say? Surely not drowning!
Seagoon: Heeeeeelp!
Bloodnok: Not Neddy Seagoon drowning, not my old bat man, not drowning! Why you were the plunging and trudgeon stroke champion of Turkey weren't you? Let me see, it must have been 1903 I think...
Seagoon: (gurgling water) Help me!
Bloodnok: 1904! I remember now. Save you, lad? I can't swim, lad. But wait a moment, I know a fellow at Hackney who's an excellent swimmer. I'll go and get him. Lend me the cab fare, lad
Seagoon: Get me out!
Bloodnok: What? Give us your hand then
Grams: Struggling to get man out of water
Seagoon: (closer) Thanks, now here, here's five shillings -
Fx: Coins jangling
Seagoon: Now hurry up and get him before I drown
Bloodnok: Right. No no, wait! You're soaking wet! Laddie, let we wring out your wallet, and that watch! That gold Hunter, they mustn't be dropped in water these Hunters you know!? It'll get ruined in that water. Oh you naughty man you! I'll preserve it for you, lad. Now take off that damp money belt you have on, rheumatics, my goodness you mustn't have those sort of things. That's right, lad. Now off with those wet clothes, coat and trousers, vest and underpants, shoes and - (under breath) Oh we'll flog this lot - Good Heavens man! What? You can't stand there naked, get back in the water, there!
Seagoon: Right! Hup!
Grams: Huge splash
Seagoon: (distant) Heeeeelp!
Bloodnok: I say, wait there, don't go away
Grams: Running footsteps going into distance
Seagoon: I never saw him again. I dragged myself ashore on a pipe. A pipe that I discovered - so this was Grytpype's game, ey? He'd been pumping water out of the Thames at Westminster and back to the river at Mortlake. The crook! That night I decided to revenge myself on Grytpype, and to destroy the pump for and on the behalf of the Port of London Authority
Grams: Big Ben chimes over speech
Seagoon: (whisper) Shhh! This way! Got the dynamite?
Bluebottle: I have got the dynamite, my Captain. Enter Bluebottle, pauses for light audience sausanges, thank you! Moves forward under gas light as done by George Raft in "I am the Law". Thinks: I have moved under the gas light as done by George Raft in "I am the Law"!
Seagoon: Shhh! Eccles?
Eccles: Eccles? Oh, that's me!
Seagoon: Help little Bluebottle arrange the dynamite
Eccles: Okay. You ready to start, Bluebottle?
Bluebottle: Yes, I'm ready. Pulls out cardboard cut-out sword
Eccles: Ooh! Mind what you're doing!
Bluebottle: Long live the Port of London Authorintins. I will not rest until the forces of evil are swattinged! And the valuable Westminster Pier is raised! Thinks: I will not rest until the forces of evil...
Seagoon: Shut up!
Eccles: Shut up!
Seagoon: Shut up Eccles!
Eccles: Shut up Eccles!
Seagoon: Come on, get the rest of the dynamite off Ellington's head
Eccles: Come on now!
Ray Ellington: Me carry dynamite! Me strong!
Bluebottle: Are you strong Ellingta?
Ray Ellington: Me strong!
Bluebottle: Ooh! Are you strong, Eccles?
Eccles: No, I 'aint strong, are you?
Bluebottle: No, but Ellinga's strong
Eccles: I 'aint strong
Bluebottle: He is!
Ray Ellington: Me strong!
Greenslade: While our heroes are deciding who is strong we take you now in to Mr. Seagoon's stomach to hear how the oyster has fared
Grams: Bubbling and wailing voices
David Attenborough: And here along the great Duodenal Tract of the great Seagoon intestine I see approaching the boiled spuds he had at breakfast, followed by closely that foul meatloaf salad he noshed at the BBC canteen. There's no sign yet of the oyster, but yes! Here now comes a dirty great dollop of steam duff and three quarts of mild that he woofed down during the rehearsals. And yes! Here comes four pounds of mixed chocolate and 8 pints of tea, soup, liquorice allsorts and lastly the oyster!
Grams: Adolphus Sprigs crooning 'I'm Only A Lonely Round Vagabond, For Good Night...', donkey eee-aughs twice, march music and marching footsteps very fast, attack trumpet, screams of battle and trumpets and bangs
Seagoon: Now to arrange for a new Westminster floating Pier
Grams: Whoosh!
Moriarty: Ah, there's no need for that. Look we have a new one already made for you
Seagoon: Good Heavens! By Jupiter! Etcetera Etcetera! And I thought you were both villains!
Moriarty: Waaugh! Listen, you go aboard and examine it at once
Seagoon: By Jove, I'll do just that!
Grytpype-Thynne: Have you bored holes in the bottom, Moriarty?
Moriarty: Yes, it will sink in 10 minutes (sings) April in Paree!
Bluebottle: Oh, Captain! I've lit the dynamite under the pump... Oh! Hee-hee! You're not my captain! You're Morinartins, the forces of Evils!
Moriarty: You're going to blow up our pump? You run right back and put that dynamite out
Bluebottle: But it's burning!
Moriarty: Get back at once!
Bluebottle: All right!
Grams: Whoosh!
Bluebottle: (far away) It hasn't burnt down quite yet, so I'll...
Grams: Boom! bricks and metal bars hit ground
Bluebottle: You rotten swine, you! I'm fed up with being deaded every week. Eccles never gets deaded, why doesn't Eccles ever get dead...
Grams: Boom!
Eccles: (distant) Your rotten swine, Bluebottle!
Bluebottle: Tee-hee! That's better! Tee-hee! Exits left, much happier. Picks up loose bonce, shins and spare feet
Seagoon: Ah! There you are, Grytpype
Grytpype-Thynne: So I am
Seagoon: I must say that this new pier you provided is absolutely perfect. I'll buy it!
Grytpype-Thynne: Right, sign here...
Fx: Pen scratching paper
Grytpype-Thynne: ...here, this cheque, bank guarantee, credit note, postal orders, travellers cheques and finally sign this Will. There, good lad! Moriarty?
Grytpype-Thynne and Moriarty: One, two, hup...
Grams: Big Splash
Seagoon: (distant) Heeelp!
Moriarty: Taxi? Gatwick Airport please
Grams: Whoosh Whoosh!
Seagoon: (distant) Heeeelp!
Bloodnok: Thud me cringing nurglers, is it? It can't be! Where's me old photographs
Seagoon: (distant) Heeeelp!
Bloodnok: It's my old bat man Neddy Seagoon
Seagoon: (distant) Oh no, go away...
Bloodnok: I've got a money belt...
Seagoon: Go away! (fades out with the two screaming at each other)
Greenslade: Ladies, according to page 24 of my radio Times, you should have been hearing the Six Ingots of Leadenhall Street, but I fear the Goons have lied to the Editor and not carried out the intended story. It's a disgrace- Goodnight!
Orchestra: End theme tune
Greenslade: That was the Goon Show, a Recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan and Eric Sykes, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Peter Eton.
Bloodnok: Gad, it's the old wireless star Greenslade, oh yes!
Orchestra: End theme tune and play out
Original transcription by Anon
Corrections, additions and HTML by Kurt Adkins (kurt@thegoonshow.co.uk)