The Hastings Flyer - Robbed

Sellers: Gad -how Our Gracie has changed.

Sellers: I should think so too, Jim.

Sellers:Oooooooo- 'Twas in the month of December In the year of eighteen eighty-two The railways lines near Pevensey Bay Were buried under the snoo.

Sellers: All thro' the night the blizzard fiend Did like a lion roar, The snow rose up from inches three To inches three foot four... And ooooo the snowwww....

Lew: Nedddie - little tittle Neddie, sit down - here, have a chopped liver cigarette.

Lew: Good luck. Listen, Schlapper - the line between Hastings and Pevensey Bay station, is under twenty feet of Schnow. Neddie, we want you to drive a snow-plough and clear the line before midnight.

Lew: It isss, it isss.

Lew: Good Schiapper - here's a kosher wine gum. Off you go.

Grytpype: Have you a match?

Grytpype: Don't look so worried, my friend and I here are only MPs.

Grytpype: Liberals.

Grytpype: Any room in the boot?

Grytpype: Curse, we'll have to run alongside you.

Grytpype: Thank you, Nurke - have a gorilla.

Grytpype:I see. Neddie - my heavily-oiled friend here and I are anxious to get to Pevensey Bay station tonight.

Grytpype: We know - perhaps a lift on your snow-plough?

Grytpype: We have money.

Grytpype: Yes, to prove we're not lying, here's a photograph of a shilling.

Grytpype: And there are more photographs where that came from.

Grytpype: Very well, Moriarty? Plan two - I'll play the violin.

Sellers: Oooooooo Thro' the night the blizzard raged It covered Pevensey Bay station Inside the ticket office there The staff were in charge of the situation. Ooooo.

Henry Crun: Mm? What's the - stop that sinful singing...

Henry Crun:I'm not interested in the modern style, Mm - I'm more worried why we haven't sold any tickets today.

Henry Crun: Neither can I - it's the peak of our winter tourists' season.

Henry Crun: I can't see for all this snow coming down.

Henry Crun: Yes - only an idiot would come out on a night like this.

Henry Crun: Ohhh -

Henry Crun: Oh.

Henry Crun: Goodnight.

Henry Crun: What a nice man to come a-visiting on such a night.

Henry Crun: Did you see that lovely brown paper suit he was wearing?

Henry Crun:Ahh. Well off to bed you go, Mm - I'll keep the ticket office open a little longer just in case there's a sudden rush from the Continent.

Sellers: Oooooooo And thro' the night, the snow-plough train was racing down the line A lonely spectator who saw it pass Looked up and said...

Sellers: Ooooo...

Grytpype: Can't we go any faster?

Grytpype:Come on - be a devil.

Grytpype: (disbelief) The hairs on your wrist say half past ten?

Grytpype:You must be mad.

Grytpype: The hairs on my wrist say eleven-thirty.

Grytpype: Hands up, Neddie. Moriarty, tie his hands - then hide them where he can't find them.

Grytpype: (furious) Give me that letter - you'll not send that, lad - now.

Grytpype: Dear sir - today I heard the first cuckoo - there, sign that -

Grytpype: Good - Moriarty, post it - that'll put them off the track.

Grytpype: Good - now cut the knot off so he can't untie it.

Bloodnok: Ooo - I say - have you seen a band go this way?

Bloodnok:Oh, I must find them - they might be playing a different tune from me by now. Wait a minute - I know you - aren't you Neddie Seagoon, the singing dwarf and current number one with the Grades?

Bloodnok: If you put it that way - I am. And what are you doing here?

Bloodnok: Any decent driver would have done the same!

Bloodnok: Your hands are tied?

Bloodnok: Ooo.

Bloodnok: (going off) Three pound ten - four pound, four pounds -

Bloodnok: Aeioughh.

Bloodnok: Ten. (going off fast) eleven pound twelve - Merry Christmas. (Goes off)

Henry Crun: Hello, Pevensey Bay station here.

Sellers:(Distort -gram recording: long mad unintelligible speech)

Henry Crun: I'm sorry, he's not in.

Henry Crun: No.

Henry Crun: Yes.

Henry Crun: What~s all this about -

Henry Crun: Mr. Seacrune - it's the snow-plough come to clear the line - hooray!!

Henry Crun: Oh, don't worry - the moment they step through that door I'll let them have it with this leather blunderbuss.

Bluebottle: You rotten swines you!!! What are you doing to Blunebontle - I was walking along collecting numbers like a happy boy train spotter when - blange - there was a blinding flash - I reeled backwards clutching my forehead - I looked down and my knees had gone and certain other vital things - you swines you!

Bluebottle: I'm not going to tell you - shooting me like that.

Bluebottle:Cor, dolly mixture - thinks - with those-type sweets I could influence certain girls at playtime - that Brenda Pugh might be another Rita Hayworth.

Bluebottle: Yes - I saw the two nice men walking up the line towards the signal box - yes.

Bluebottle: Ooooo - smashin'.

Willium: Zzzzzzz mate.

Willium: Oh strufe cor blimestone a crow - zzzzzzz mate.

Willium: Ow ow ow ow - wahszat mate?

Willium: Oh, it's the torking telephone ringing mate.

Willium: There it goes again mate.

Willium: And again - and unless I'm mistaken it's going to go -

Willium: - again mate.

Willium: Hello, Pevensey Bay signal box man here mate.

Willium: Oh - I'll do that -

Grytpype: (very cold) All very nicely done, Moriarty mate. Now see, there's a bridge to the right - good, take these sticks of dynamite, place them in the centre of the span and run the wires back here. When the Hastings Flyer comes across - we press the plunger.

Grytpype: Moriarty: Thanks to a Charlie...

Bluebottle: What about me, Captain - can't I come in the game?

Bluebottle: Oh good - I will - I will be a hero! - My picture will be in the East Finchley Chronic - 'Boy hero Bluebottle' - he he - thinks - that will make that Muriel Bates run after me - but I will play hard to get - 'I'm sorry Miss Bates - I am a busy boy hero - I have certain matters to attend to - I have to be photographed with Sabrina' - he he - yesss, that's what I'll say - thinks - here (awe) that Sabrina a fine big girl. Heee.

Bluebottle: Yes - he he - thinks - I better start wearin' long trousers soon.

Bluebottle: Yes, forward to the bridge.

Willium: Ow ow ow - you hit me on me head and tied me up mates.

Grytpype: Steady, frog-eater - obviously the blizzard has delayed the train.

Grytpype: Shut up! Open your mouth.

Grytpype: Close it.

Grytpype: Yes, let that be a lesson to you - now control yourself.

Grytpype: Great goose hooks - look, it's a military gentleman walking up the line - banging a drum.

Grytpype: Yes, the woods are full of them. Now let's sit quietly and wait for the Hastings Flyer.

Bluebottle: Captain, captain, look what I found in the bridge.

Bluebottle: Thank you, heaven.

Bluebottle: Yes - moves right - puts dreaded dynamite under signal box for safety - does not notice dreaded wires leading to plunger up in signal cabin. Thinks. I'm for the dreaded deading alright this week.

Grytpype: So, Neddie, you managed to get your hands free.

Grytpype: (idea) Oh - er - you can easily stop it - just press that little plunger with the wires leading out the window.

Grytpype: (aside) Here goes the bridge, Mori...

Bluebottle: You rotton swines, I told you I'd be deaded.